I want to start saying “yaas queen” in work conversations but it doesn’t feel organic.
wife: why r u putting garlic in ur pants
me: so dracula won’t try to eat my ass
wife: why would dracula try to eat ur ass
me: he won’t. the garlic- r u even listening
Do you know why womansplaining isn’t a thing? It is. Men just don’t listen.
I’ve heard of cauliflower ear but broccoli ear?
Let’s see how do I put this nicely…you’re genetic crap.
A candy necklace but benzoes.
I hope whoever wrote that 1 800 Kars4Kids song burns in hell.
Not you again! -memory foam mattress
Does anyone else automatically think “diarrhea” when they see “juicy” on someone’s butt? Just me?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it'd be like 8 inches long
I’m afraid you have a terminal case of saggy mom butt.
That’s quite the Festivus pumpkin.
That’s mighty Betty White of you.
I’m sorry I gave your jack-o-lantern a glory hole.
CT scans only work if you scan them while they’re sleeping.
I bet Tom Selleck’s mustache still smells like 80’s pussy.
The perfect couples costume doesn't exi-
🇨🇦Sassy Canadian Girl🇨🇦
a week ago
Silence is golden
Duct tape is silver
Radio Shack: you’ve got questions, we’re out of business.
Keep on owning the libs to death.
Predictive text that just texts your ex when you’re drunk bc that’s how well it knows you.
Scent of a Woman 2: Stank ass bitch.
I really liked Bill Hader until I found out he the one responsible for Pete Davidson being on SNL.
They done gone and done it now. 🥴
Her: How dare you call me a piece of ass!
Me: I said pizza ass.
My ten year plan is to come up with a five year plan.