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Tweets19K
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Followers7K
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Following5K
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Likes38K
My boyfriend’s favorite hobby is to text me a question, then put his phone away and NEVER LOOK AT IT AGAIN
will i understand wwiii if i didn’t see the first two.
when I see people kayaking a rush of relief washes over me that I’m not kayaking
I spend half of my relationship wondering where he left the fucking remote
Choose to believe the opinions of you from the people who love you instead of the people who hate you.
It would be funnier to give people awards for wearing ugly sweaters in March
The best way to see the sunrise is at the end of a great night
Trying to out sunglass the hut.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today. White t-shirt: lol same.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Make it worse by saying they look tired.
These incredibly boring people who mistake wearing crazy-looking eyeglasses for having an interesting personality
Just let them take your picture. You’re the only person in the room who believes you don’t really look like you without filters and angles.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Lying next to my boyfriend at night showing him the videos and memes that I hand-selected and sent to him all day because I know he won’t read them unless I make him
Hear me out, Weird Al performs at the next Super Bowl halftime show & the artists he parodies joins him on stage to sing along
Republicans these days project the same energy as the Confederate army just before the Civil War
Why is Facebook always telling me about stuff on Amazon that I can’t afford?
Famous people are just like anyone else, clipping their toenails and leaving them in the carpet
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Craving @calluptome
15K Followers 5K Following wifey @JaymianaJones & I have seen it all used to travel now wants to hide ❤️horror films https://t.co/j1tRiOtekK
Cat From Nowhere @kv8
17K Followers 10K Following omnipresent in absentia, perchance frittering my time away on twitter. ok fine, X. .•| sui juris |•.
Shane @shanethevein
18K Followers 3K Following I don't care about politics, especially yours. Padres fan.
The B. @anerdonfire2
37K Followers 14K Following My thoughts were full of other things when I wandered off the path. Dante Alighieri, Inferno
Dr Pepper M.D. 🥤 @JustLikeMikee
24K Followers 24K Following All answers questioned here. I’m definitely not a doctor. Partial facts and stuff. I read a book about it.. once.
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
SneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
Verifried Drunk™®�.. @VerifiedDrunk
28K Followers 2K Following The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk
Richard Harris @RichHarris2
41K Followers 31K Following Vascular surgeon to real people and author of Imagine a novel https://t.co/UcFYOI2NG9
Just Call Me Frank™.. @JustCallMeFrank
15K Followers 6K Following Nightmare with legs | Creator, writer, sayer of things and stuff. Mostly things | My YouTube channel: https://t.co/XlCXxMHyH0
C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time Asshole
Alfie @DownFrontArtist
54K Followers 48K Following There is no show without business. https://t.co/X2EN341vnk
The Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
36K Followers 13K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUa
💙 His Trials and T.. @CamusOverEasy
20K Followers 16K Following I like Albert Camus and eggs over easy. What's the point of dying if nobody knows you're dead? I can't walk a mile in your shoes if you're wearing them. 凡人
Celestia @Celestia737525
1 Followers 271 Following
Austin Scott Miller @scott_gen96877
112 Followers 555 Following Don't date the most beautiful girl in the world, date the girl who makes your world the most beautiful.
IvyInfinite_ @IInfinite30198
32 Followers 709 Following
Laura Deeee @FierceFemmeX
0 Followers 22 Following I’m an anxiety queen 👸🏻 just trying to navigate this single life I’m in. I’m sarcastic and witty yet kind and funny. I also love my dog more than you.
Steve Tweeters @stevetweeters
3K Followers 5K Following Father of 5 (humans). Also ADD. While we're being honest, kind of an alcoholic also. That's not my cat in the picture. I steal cat pics. Prenouns: dinosaur.
Chimpu @AvaSWilliams1
97 Followers 2K Following Find your love online and chat for free with thousands of singles from your region ➡️ https://t.co/mDhATubsXf
Tombstone Preacher @thepreacher1365
26 Followers 97 Following
Stefan @stefano3
3K Followers 5K Following Life brings beautiful things. like a sister you never knew you had.. oh and I hate flip flops...#Breastcancerawarenes for men and women....ps I love gluten...
SinghBabbra_13 @Singhbabbr72477
54 Followers 645 Following
Wasiu Olawale @WasiuOlawa999
113 Followers 607 Following
Jenifer Loveless @LovelessJenifer
4K Followers 173 Following Likes to party, likes to smoke, likes to have a good time.
Goutam Bera💀$ELS @GoutamBera25416
12 Followers 268 Following
Theausloo @theausloo46912
24 Followers 1K Following I live alone now and enjoy business, traveling, shopping, food and music. I have a calm personality and I hope we can be friends.
Slethee @Slethee150175
68 Followers 1K Following I live alone now and enjoy business, traveling, shopping, food and music. I have a calm personality and I hope we can be friends.
George Takesi1 @GeorgeTakesi_1
417 Followers 1K Following I am a parody of myself, if anyone wonders if this is really me
Dark Betilson @Darkylson
45 Followers 464 Following https://t.co/6qyuC8ToBZ email oficial/ @[email protected] 🇦🇴 New school rap trap hiphop
James Felix @JamesFelix45
13 Followers 194 Following In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans
Andrew ash @andewash
953 Followers 5K Following Lover of art, philosopher, nature lover, writer, gym instructor, and a motivational speaker, if you ever need help just text me on [email protected]
🇳 🇦 🇪 🇪 �.. @naeemanjum345
930 Followers 4K Following 🐂, Article Writer, blogger, freelance News report, #traveler #Dreamer #stand with humanity #Stand with Plastine
James @SamuraiJ11
1K Followers 3K Following Came to explore—never left. Sapio. ENTJ. Suit by day. Father of 4. Rebooting.......... https://t.co/nfI6xHkKaK
Relentless Truth Medi.. @RelentlessTrut2
3K Followers 5K Following Relentless Truth Media is a Christian ministry aimed at helping people understand Bible prophecy and exposing darkness with unique investigative documentaries.
Jace of Fuse! @JaceFuse
1K Followers 1K Following My tweets may be corny, esoteric, or stupid. I have lucid dreams. Sometimes I create things. Wannabe Game Maker. I’m not funny but I crack me up. FNORD
Lil Miss Snarkey Pant.. @Ris622
3K Followers 5K Following It doesn't matter how much antibacterial soap you use - the shame doesn't scrub off. Lawyer by trade, Batman when summoned.
Patrick @MrPatAttack91
2K Followers 4K Following Happy Go Lucky Cookie fanatic, Dog Lover, Identical Twin, Huge Encourager, Movie Nut, Tech Nerd Extraordinaire! DM’s = 🚫Blocked
SeanoStar @SeanoSays
663 Followers 1K Following Go where your energy is reciprocated, celebrated, and appreciated.
Pat McDermott @CrankyGrampaPat
463 Followers 3K Following Husband, Dad, Step Dad, PaddyPa, Loves Music, Photography - Opinionated Grump, Centrist Independent (former R) with Common Sense, a Guy Who Is Full of Snit.
Carlos Ángeles castr.. @Carlosngelesca1
184 Followers 5K Following
The Hammer @nevetsmv88
631 Followers 5K Following
Pam Miller @Mookzmom
263 Followers 2K Following Mom of 2, grandma of 3, RN (means Rogue Nurse). Enjoying life immensely.
Pepper @pepehdz29
317 Followers 1K Following I stopped pretending I don't know everything..because I do.
Cylos @imbojay
117 Followers 213 Following I'll try anything twice and if you say it can be done then challenge will be accepted!
Awayfromdivine @sweatheartmoony
19K Followers 18K Following wordplay afficionado who considers sarcasm to be the most subtle form of human expression https://t.co/JqVZh7bbuq
Chris Swart @BwanaChris
60K Followers 54K Following A wealth of experience in data analysis, GPS tracking, risk assessment, fraud detection, I bring a unique perspective to Twitter in account forensic diagnosis.
Xiangzhen Deng @XiangzhenD
17 Followers 32 Following
SheLii @shamelessShely
397 Followers 2K Following U R PURE. dO 0/harm. ONE.TRUTH its the end of the world so only PM me if you're a fish big enough to be worthy of frying
Fineazzscorpioo @fineazzscorpioo
77 Followers 262 Following
ADEYEMI MUSBAU OFFA @fabulousadeyemi
2K Followers 3K Following Insurance/Financial Advisor, Moniepoint BRM, Social Commentator, Sociologist, Writer, Enterpreneur, RMK Enthusiast, Member Kwankwaso's PCC.
Raphael @Raphael56093752
83 Followers 198 Following
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Craving @calluptome
15K Followers 5K Following wifey @JaymianaJones & I have seen it all used to travel now wants to hide ❤️horror films https://t.co/j1tRiOtekK
Cat From Nowhere @kv8
17K Followers 10K Following omnipresent in absentia, perchance frittering my time away on twitter. ok fine, X. .•| sui juris |•.
Shane @shanethevein
18K Followers 3K Following I don't care about politics, especially yours. Padres fan.
The B. @anerdonfire2
37K Followers 14K Following My thoughts were full of other things when I wandered off the path. Dante Alighieri, Inferno
Dr Pepper M.D. 🥤 @JustLikeMikee
24K Followers 24K Following All answers questioned here. I’m definitely not a doctor. Partial facts and stuff. I read a book about it.. once.
Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
66K Followers 9K Following divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | https://t.co/0FDtG6xK4t | please send all dms to @funderlaw | https://t.co/t7dCbYmwgu
SneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
Verifried Drunk™®�.. @VerifiedDrunk
28K Followers 2K Following The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk
Richard Harris @RichHarris2
41K Followers 31K Following Vascular surgeon to real people and author of Imagine a novel https://t.co/UcFYOI2NG9
Just Call Me Frank™.. @JustCallMeFrank
15K Followers 6K Following Nightmare with legs | Creator, writer, sayer of things and stuff. Mostly things | My YouTube channel: https://t.co/XlCXxMHyH0
C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time Asshole
Alfie @DownFrontArtist
54K Followers 48K Following There is no show without business. https://t.co/X2EN341vnk
The Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
36K Followers 13K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUa
💙 His Trials and T.. @CamusOverEasy
20K Followers 16K Following I like Albert Camus and eggs over easy. What's the point of dying if nobody knows you're dead? I can't walk a mile in your shoes if you're wearing them. 凡人
Natasha Something @IfIwassomething
9K Followers 4K Following not in the last place you'd expect https://t.co/3fXb59eAtL
Billy Club @BillyFuckinClub
3K Followers 3K Following Of course your opinion matters, just not to me
Mellimelle @mellimelle
21K Followers 2K Following I wanna tweet right now. I'm Mellimelle and I came to get down. I'm not internationally known but I'm known to rock the twitterphone. Because I get stupid.
🌜🤷♂️ �.. @raoulvilla
5K Followers 3K Following Husband father of 4. Wu Tang name is Tha Nappa. Parody, not a real moon. As seen on https://t.co/9fhkEMkr1v https://t.co/1vrml28KE3 the weekly church bulletin
MELapalooza 🐈⚽�.. @MELisCrazyInAZ
32K Followers 15K Following MY ONE AND ONLY PROFILE $MelisCrazyInAz https://t.co/rjxWV6PjFA 🤪Teetering on the edge of insanity 🤣98.2% of my tweets are jokes. Respond accordingly
Awisp @ALXtampa
5K Followers 4K Following 🎶 My Pics with Music LyRics 🎶 Sun,Moon,Skies,Beach,Nature, Architecture, Sports٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶....... Humor...\o/..
Tweet to the Void @TweetToTheVoid2
2K Followers 2K Following Ruthlessly mocking your crippling coffee addiction. Pan 🏳️🌈 (he/him) Actually autistic. Geeky af. BLM ACAB Header by @RiotGrlErin
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish
8K Followers 3K Following Warning: alcohol leads to kids leads to lots more alcohol.
dangerfloof @BrightsidesWife
5K Followers 4K Following life is love, joy, chaos, peace, humour and pain. artist. advocate for mental health, cptsd and autism 💙
That Guy @SocialOutcast82
8K Followers 6K Following It's ok if you don't like me, I don't like me either. The so-so shit: https://t.co/JpkHXDRSok
@thefishpants.bsky.so.. @thefishpants
4K Followers 4K Following 𝕺𝖇𝖘𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝕽𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊𝖘, 𝕱𝖆𝖗𝖙 𝕵𝖔𝖐𝖊𝖘, & 𝕾𝖜𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖘😆🤓🤬 Political/News Jokes🏛 ➡️: @theresistpants Schemes & Nonsense✒➡: @thecultpants
The Best Dave you kno.. @TheFaceOfDave
7K Followers 5K Following Australia’s Favourite David and Guatemala’s Fave Dave. I've never been to either place. avi by nature colab on https://t.co/edyjqcy5Er never blue check
Robo Justin (update s.. @justinmatic5000
2K Followers 2K Following Sometimes funny on purpose. Not Y2k24 Compliant. Married to a hot robot, so no dms unless you are @RoboEllen or have an exciting offer about oil changes.
Emotional Support GOA.. @SwissArmyWife00
5K Followers 3K Following Happily Married to @whatevegoeshere💕 OK-ish Step-Mom. Cat lady. 🐐 Seen on @buzzfeed @huffpost and @thefunnytweeter
💚Stucco and the Ra.. @Stuccoman1
7K Followers 8K Following If you can help: https://t.co/p1Ld3ERrNk I beat cancer twice for these reasons: Raise my son to be a good man. To love my momma. Marijuana saved my
Daft Pun @AllanForsyth
7K Followers 3K Following Humour account. Don't take anything I write on here seriously, you muppet. Please don't add me to DM rooms.
Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
13K Followers 9K Following In the name of the Earth & the Wind & the Fire, amen https://t.co/MEeOiowPL2
💋Curly💋 @curlymalloy
21K Followers 4K Following I dated Mel Brooks... But he probably doesn't remember… He’s old!!! https://t.co/A7GZHT5PEu
Deacon Blues @DeaconBlues0
70K Followers 70K Following Biden-Harris; Catholic; USMC; Navy CAPT; 2nd career Psy.D. and MS teacher; I do not represent any religion; INFJ; #Aja (Steely Dan); #marido #girldad
cella @cellapaz
11K Followers 2K Following i’m probably eating soup. seen on @huffpost @buzzfeed @todayshow
Just a Chloe @CArmanthegirl
41K Followers 12K Following Please retweet my retweets, that’s what they are for
Dumb Beezie @dumbbeezie
44K Followers 23K Following This bio can't handle me I'm too many characters. Also fuck you
hdrk @thehdrk
4K Followers 1K Following Sensitive lumberjack poet Good Shit Saturdays 6-8pm central on https://t.co/cx4mqJnkHk
Xennaissance Dad @XennDad
5K Followers 2K Following Various dad jokes, bad jokes. Featured by @Buzzfeed, @TODAYshow, more. Join me at @xenndad.bsky.social . To see my tweets click ⬇️
Liam Nissan™ @theliamnissan
325K Followers 14K Following What I have is a particular set of skills; skills that make me a nightmare for Nazi dickbags on the internet. I joke, and drive a Nissan (parody)will i understand wwiii if i didn’t see the first two.
If my death is so brutal it changed domestic violence laws permanently-do not call my batterer a 'football star'.
my coworker said she imagines this to be my type in men and she’s not wrong.
when I see people kayaking a rush of relief washes over me that I’m not kayaking
I still blame OJ Simpson for making the Kardashian family famous
lunch time or what i like to call sitting in my car and listening to true crime for thirty minutes.
In 1994 Nicole Brown Simpson was brutally murdered. OJ Simpson got to live another 30 years before dying today from cancer at 76. Nobody was ever convicted of killing her but everyone knows who did it! Rather than focusing exclusively on him, let’s take a second to remember her!
OJ Simpson has died. In unrelated news the killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman has died.
@KeenanPeachy Handwriting in general is going to be a lost art, and people in general don’t appreciate the timelessness of it. I kept every single handwritten card, note, recipe, etc., from my mom. After she passed they became something I could touch, and it felt like I was touching her. Her…
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
men used to go to war now they just live to respond stupidly to every tweet curated by a female.
I just helped a woman with her grocery bill because she was a few dollars short & her daughter said “He’s a nice man Mommy” I won today.
@fasc1nate Doctor "The good news is the cancer won't kill you." Patient: "great, that's a relief. Any bad news?" Doctor: *points at wolf*
I now understand bookmarks! I'm sorry to keep y'all waiting. It took me all day to get the courage up to hear it. It's basically my birth story and a week by week telling of my first 3 months of life. I sobbed as I heard her sweet (Dolly Parton) voice. Here is the 1st minute. ❤️
When I was 7, I found this tape. I remember hearing my mother's voice. Only one sentence in my mom came flying in from the other room. She ripped the tape out of the player and said this was not meant for me to hear. My entire life, I have thought about it. I FOUND IT AGAIN.
Who are the absolute psychos buying orange juice with extra pulp?
You gotta think dogs listening to humans talk is a lot like humans listening to Pearl Jam lyrics
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