Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1
Joke writer and postal worker Bristol, UK Joined March 2013-
Tweets3K
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Followers23K
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Following9K
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Likes5K
I spent all morning window shopping. I've bought far too many windows.
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I read this over dinner and it ruined my whole morning.
My mum kept telling me my bathroom needed cleaning so I decided to hire a professional. This professional mum is much less critical.
Just typical. Two weeks after I buy a year's supply of both.
I would've loved to have been a detective during the era when people's watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it's all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I found my plumber on Google. I told him to stop using my computer and get back to work.
I'm happy to watch any film with Timothée Chalamet. I know he's busy, but the offer is always there.
I hate it when under 18's disguise themselves as stationery.
Do you add the children before or after the jam?
I'm sitting opposite Five Guys and Claire's Accessories, both of which were also rejected names for the band Steps.
Sorry can't talk right now. I'm
I am one of stand-up's great storytellers. No matter the gig, I will always come up with a convincing story about why the audience didn't warm to me.
I like this picture from last night because it looks like the only audience member is a headless ghost.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Charles Bukowski drank a pint of whisky and two six packs of beer every night while he was writing Post Office. Tonight I drank a Coors Light and wrote a blog about how to avoid phishing scams. Just a couple of tortured souls spilling our guts on the page.
This headline sounds like a mnemonic you'd use to remember something for your GCSE science exam.
Lately I've found myself very drawn to shops like Mountain Warehouse and Millets. I think it's an economic thing. There was a time when you'd turn 30 and start to think about buying a house. Now you turn 30 and start to think "How can I prepare myself for being outdoors?"
I want to be the voice of a generation. I've chosen the generation that came of age at the end of the 18th century. "The king is mad and my wig is poisoning me!"
What separates us from the animals? In my case it's usually the security guard at the petting zoo. He says I hog the best goat.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
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Matty @bestestname
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nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
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Katie D @KatieDeal99
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cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
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Rotten Orange Product.. @RottenOrangePro
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Mike Mentalpause @mentalpause1
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🩵Sarah Michelle�.. @rizashiesty
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Sarah @theladylovesgin
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Sean Good @goodbar_ca
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Empress of the Awkwar.. @AwkwardEmpress
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Jim (Still Spooky) Wr.. @JWr1ghtBra1n
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LGConnolly🇮🇪�.. @connolly_lg
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UncleTog1️⃣9️�.. @tog1989
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Viking Tower @Viking_Tower
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Matty @bestestname
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nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
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Nate Limit Exceeded @.. @perlhack
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Katie D @KatieDeal99
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cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
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PieGuy @ilovepie84
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Blue Berrymore @BerrymoreBlue
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Daveastated @Daveastated
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Felicia @LostFelicia
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soph 🌝 @soph_atkk
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Empress of the Awkwar.. @AwkwardEmpress
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Pete @peteturton85
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Doug M @MPoetease
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Finger Taints @ArtIsMyPorn
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James Mayhew @mrjamesmayhew
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Al Murray - DKMS.ORG... @almurray
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Damaged Robot Person @MsVanillaRose
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Humphrey U Bogart @OfficialUBogart
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Mychal @mychal3ts
151K Followers 3K Following “Having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card” 📚
Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric
27K Followers 9K Following Gen X Superhero. Old people jokes for my old people followers. 90’s Kid Alumni. #cheeseburgers
Queen Star Cunt 👑 .. @SuperHyperSpaz
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The Heart Speaks @SGabardi1111
6K Followers 3K Following Author Epistemophilia Empath INFJ HSP.. I love with my heart torn wide open My soul belongs to music and the trees https://t.co/jJuW2CtLfO
Jim (Still Spooky) Wr.. @JWr1ghtBra1n
1K Followers 1K Following Graphic Designer/Illustrator and Co-Owner WrightBrain Design, LLC. Married. Co-host of #Riffotronic Sat @ 8 EST. LGBTQIA+ ally
Christine WaitsForWaf.. @googlygirl98
20K Followers 5K Following Hashtagger past my prime. Still impulsive, capricious, over-emotional, punk-loving, wannabe badass, and as googly-eyed as ever. Include 3 Words Fridays 1pm ET.
@MartinPilgrim1 Our neighbors are having a yard sale, but we would only consider buying it with the house.
@MartinPilgrim1 @bristol_citizen Odds are, he's called Wally.
@GBretman @MartinPilgrim1 Beat me to it, mate. ‘You wait a hundred million years for a prehistoric sea reptile…’🤣🤣
@MartinPilgrim1 Apparently they've discovered another two That's the trouble with prehistoric sea reptiles, you wait millions of years then three come along at once
@MartinPilgrim1 Well come winter your snowman won't be able to smell
@MartinPilgrim1 This 19 word tweet speaks the truth!
@MartinPilgrim1 stop playing that damn pipe!
@MartinPilgrim1 You still get your news from Newsround?
@MartinPilgrim1 Correction. Their watches stopped at the time the murderer wanted to think they had been murdered. But also people always used to make their watch tell the wrong time so they were always caught.
@MartinPilgrim1 Was he at least Googling himself?
@MartinPilgrim1 He might be installing pipelines remotely.
@MartinPilgrim1 Prince George gets his vapes by disguising himself as a ruler.
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