The Dude @TheFirstDudish
When I grow up I want to be left alone. twitter.com/search?q=From%… Joined November 2011-
Tweets4K
-
Followers4K
-
Following180
-
Likes114K
The best life choice I ever made was to always take responsibility and never put the blame on others, no matter what. This decision changed my life, literally. One day, I got a huge promotion offer at work. Which I rejected respectfully, only to start my own business.
- Mom, what is a lesbian? - I'm busy, sweetie. Go ask Mom.
I didn't say you're being over dramatic. I just asked if you could turn down the violins in the background.
Me: Did you lock the front door? Her: Yes. Is that why you woke me up? Me: Sorry, but it's starting to get chilly outside.
A good relationship is when you both share the same taste in porn.
You know you're in love when you don't mind losing hours of sleep just so you have more time to spend with her.
That phase in life when you realize that's life and it's not a phase.
I don't suffer from a shortage of sleep, just an excess of being awake.
People who stare at me picking my nose in the car, you are disgusting.
Thanks to feminism, women are now strong, determined, and independent. They can pursue their preferred careers, make more money, achieve their life goals, and die alone.
I wonder if, on the last day of Burning Man, they also burn all the clichés that were sold there to everyone.
The future is always pinker on the other side.
Unlike women, men don't miss their childhood, because mentally they're still there.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked "Are you going to pick this up?" I picked it up and replied to her "I have no choice, this is my food", and I walked away.
So many fights could be avoided if women realized that men don't ignore dirt. They just don't see it.
What app do I need to remove from my iPhone so it stops receiving calls?
I just sneezed so hard that one of my lungs landed on the table, curled up, and said, "I'm staying here until you apologize."
Most people are stuck in the past because the future is unknown and the present is depressing.
The human body contains 70% water and 30% useless information.
Life is too short. Be sure you're making the right mistakes.
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2k
Verifried Drunk™®�.. @VerifiedDrunk
28K Followers 2K Following The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk
DamnFineTweet @damnfinetweet
13K Followers 3K Following RIP DamnFineTweet 8/7/2019-4/27/2023 thank you for 85000 trophies and a million good vibes. I'll miss you!
paused mortem 💀 @LeeCram
12K Followers 4K Following life's foul-mouthed casualty • ig/alt: @pausedmortem
Claire Behind The Hai.. @urmumsausername
44K Followers 6K Following PayPal➡https://t.co/Kf0eVciHmW tweets➡ https://t.co/EJvcH671EQ
мя gяєєη @iGreenGod
94K Followers 3K Following Mentally unfit. #ChatGpt & #GoogleBard Professional Read #TheSanatanStories
He's Back And He's Sc.. @SchmuckOnAHorse
7K Followers 5K Following Mild-mannered CPA by day, miserable curmudgeon by night. Followed by @mrsdash.
🐼panDa😇panDa�.. @wordsmithlegend
7K Followers 6K Following AVI is me.Not a real panda. Sarcastic AF and witty. WAP(Wise Ass Panda). Male 🐼. Cake aficionado. sweet/bratty AF. “ I like ur butt”. I like saying stupid shit
Jules @julcasagrande
78K Followers 7K Following Q ⚔️ energy. coffee cups and thoughts https://t.co/V349QaXUGV
Particia Meader @MeadePartic
71 Followers 5K Following
Amal Buske @AmalBuske79741
54 Followers 5K Following
Ema Gassaway @EGassaway81801
57 Followers 5K Following
Loc Le @LocLe317140
294 Followers 522 Following
Joy Desrocher @joy_desroch
56 Followers 5K Following
Reeva Mccarville @ReeMccarvil
39 Followers 5K Following
Soraya Duitscher @DuitscherS21613
55 Followers 5K Following
Norah Paulin @NorahPauli37492
83 Followers 5K Following
Kristan Singhisen @KristanSin4452
72 Followers 5K Following
Stacie Eugley @eugley50464
67 Followers 5K Following
Carlie Bluming @CBluming12195
80 Followers 5K Following
Eliana Nikocevic @EliaNikocevi
56 Followers 5K Following
Liberty Yantzi @YantLibert
53 Followers 5K Following
Hong Kash @HongKash14365
76 Followers 5K Following
Brynn Meile @BrynnMeile17590
59 Followers 5K Following
Willodean Sauler @WillodeaW
75 Followers 5K Following
Alexandra Duhart @AlexandraD8029
99 Followers 5K Following
Zulema Hudmon @HudmonZule18793
79 Followers 5K Following
Michelle Leonard @michellehunziga
901 Followers 3K Following I'm an expert in my field of study specialisation and specifications, if you want to talk to me it should be on business grounds no naughty stuff on my inbox🙏
Deb Zolla @ZollaDeb13114
66 Followers 5K Following
Lola Holzinger @LHolzing
95 Followers 5K Following
Cassie Deveja @c_deve
49 Followers 5K Following
Brunilda Degraffenrei.. @BrunildaDe448
77 Followers 5K Following
Magan Ellerd @ellerd_ell
73 Followers 5K Following
Joann Sterback @JSterback42194
83 Followers 5K Following
Bailey Nole @NoleBaile
75 Followers 5K Following
Olivia Paguin @OPaguin47566
80 Followers 5K Following
Rhea Mcmorrow @McmorrowRh5111
62 Followers 5K Following
Alyce Truhe @AlycTru
61 Followers 5K Following
Marshall Demirjian @MDemirj
63 Followers 5K Following
Martyna Ensign @mart_ensi
82 Followers 5K Following
ƊƛMЄƝ @plan_c_mindset
7K Followers 6K Following Art addicted, coffee fueled, father, fighter, friend, lover of beauty, music, and reckless abandon. I like & RT whatever strikes a chord or sparks my interest.
Lise Steinour @LiseSteino2200
70 Followers 5K Following
Adah Manlove @manlove7657
77 Followers 5K Following
Balderdash @wx388
7K Followers 5K Following Doesn’t matter what the problem is. The answer is always 🧀 #Chiefskingdom #ForeverRoyal
Alene Danes @AleneDanes87376
55 Followers 5K Following
Chelsea Darou @ChelseaDar54407
75 Followers 5K Following
Maxine Cartegena @CartegenaM46821
77 Followers 5K Following
Bailey Lyles @BaileyLyle85656
78 Followers 5K Following
Marcelene Matalka @MarceleneM27857
67 Followers 5K Following
Dania Gothro @GothroDani50298
77 Followers 5K Following
Cassandra Griffins @CassandrGriff
67 Followers 5K Following
Harriet Alejo @AleHarrie
78 Followers 5K Following
Roni Carcano @carcano40722
84 Followers 5K Following
Beatrix Chwalek @ChwaleBeatr
82 Followers 5K Following
Nalani Lukins @luki_nalan
71 Followers 5K Following
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
donni saphire @donni
60K Followers 2K Following Skeptical of most squirrels. Friendly comedian. More jokes on @[email protected]. Producer on The Love Below at Beermiscuous in Lincoln Park. Hat avoider.
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Ivsy @Ivsy01
40K Followers 9K Following drinking slurpees in front of 7-eleven with @The_Getawaygirl My thoughts in a box. my tweets 🤦♀️ https://t.co/0g8VMFzt2k
Verifried Drunk™®�.. @VerifiedDrunk
28K Followers 2K Following The later the tweet, the drunker I am. it/that/drunk
paused mortem 💀 @LeeCram
12K Followers 4K Following life's foul-mouthed casualty • ig/alt: @pausedmortem
Claire Behind The Hai.. @urmumsausername
44K Followers 6K Following PayPal➡https://t.co/Kf0eVciHmW tweets➡ https://t.co/EJvcH671EQ
мя gяєєη @iGreenGod
94K Followers 3K Following Mentally unfit. #ChatGpt & #GoogleBard Professional Read #TheSanatanStories
He's Back And He's Sc.. @SchmuckOnAHorse
7K Followers 5K Following Mild-mannered CPA by day, miserable curmudgeon by night. Followed by @mrsdash.
🐼panDa😇panDa�.. @wordsmithlegend
7K Followers 6K Following AVI is me.Not a real panda. Sarcastic AF and witty. WAP(Wise Ass Panda). Male 🐼. Cake aficionado. sweet/bratty AF. “ I like ur butt”. I like saying stupid shit
Jules @julcasagrande
78K Followers 7K Following Q ⚔️ energy. coffee cups and thoughts https://t.co/V349QaXUGV
Pink Floyd 💎 @Just_pinkfloyd
195K Followers 25K Following Pink Floyd - The Most Successful And Influential Rock Groups In History.
💖 Top Tweets Bot �.. @TopTweetsBot
271 Followers 0 Following Maintains a list of your top tweets in a collection. Go to the link to sign up. Free as in beer. Beta as in evolving.
Carmella Cannoli @piccolobutt
12K Followers 4K Following I like long walks through the liquor store & chickpeas. Pleasantly oblivious. https://t.co/UPLdA35eHN
The_Wanderer @TheWanderer000
3K Followers 2K Following A real man, not a porn account. I simply post what I enjoy because life is too short to keep people guessing. #eroticism
ⒷⓊⒷⒷⓁⓎ T .. @smileitsfree44
56K Followers 6K Following Welcome to Ts FunHouse Im Not VERIFIED, but I am 💯 🫧 #FannyPacksRule😘 #SunRiseWatcher 🌞☀️ #CloudChaser🌥️ @SmileTurn1 is BubblyT’s Good Girl Side😏NO DMs
⭐ Lisa, Duchess of .. @MsLisaM
30K Followers 4K Following movies. music. cats. pistachios. laughter.
TheFunnyDesi @thefunnydesi
2K Followers 437 Following We all need some laughs! Pizza lover, sudoku addict.
COOK·Ⓔ @cookie_mumbles
3K Followers 891 Following also look me up on Mastodon: https://t.co/VA6pcay8Nn
Seann @Happee69014151
3K Followers 4K Following So busy irl you’ll end up disappointed. A waste of time. Providing laughter makes me smile. https://t.co/4CbwNG1cUb
Jo Bean💕 @jobrowneyes
26K Followers 5K Following Concentrated formula of snarky and emotional vomit. Every 11:11 spoken for, and each minute in between. Connections that can’t be broken 🔗
Dad Set Against @DadSetAgainst
5K Followers 984 Following Outnumbered, dad tired, dead set on seeing the comedy in it all. Featured on @TheDad @Buzzfeed @BoredPanda @TODAYshow @huffpostparents @theFunnyTweeter
𝕝 𝕚 𝕥 𝕥 �.. @ardentreflexion
14K Followers 3K Following bird-hearted lioness || wildfire + sól birthed in my bones || gypsy mystic • artist • writer || infp•2w1 || ignis natura renovatur integra || my photos•tweets ©
Basically Broken @SalorMoon_Shine
30K Followers 4K Following Waiting for someone to finally take me seriously, so I came to Twitter
Awayfromdivine @sweatheartmoony
19K Followers 18K Following wordplay afficionado who considers sarcasm to be the most subtle form of human expression https://t.co/JqVZh7bbuq
⚔️ Ina𝗽𝗽�.. @Songbird70x7
47K Followers 9K Following Muses are welcome.🎸🐺Thou shalt not runneth thine mouth. Stabby 1:1 https://t.co/mpjlcfCxik @DamnPuppetMan
Bone Chocolates @BoneChocolates
6K Followers 2K Following Making my little jokes to distract myself from the terror of the walls closing in.
Trouble @troubleinheels1
11K Followers 6K Following Currently not suffering fools gladly #happypride 🌈 #staywithukraine social media Outfluencer or Unfluencer (thanks @unearthedcat and @revbigbabyhuey)
natalayhehoo @highprobably1
38K Followers 3K Following This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life
Enigma @shallzzz
4K Followers 2K Following A dreamer 😍traversing the complexities of this cosmos seeking infinite answers. Fun is my elixir and curiosity my vice.
bubble girl @JessObsess
18K Followers 1K Following I could have been something great. Winner of the “Best Avi” 10 years in a row. My tweet trophies are covered in dust.
Crissie @CrissieC
42K Followers 4K Following Mom. Pickle connoisseur… Certified meat-eater…I have a potty mouth...Leafs fan.I like my coffee black because it’s a lot like me…bitter, dark and hot (flashes)
Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMv
Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie
28K Followers 3K Following Tattooed mum & coffee enthusiast. Living life from one snack to the next.
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.
SR Buffalo @DrunksWithGuns
3K Followers 2K Following I'm currently up to date on shots. Mostly house broken.
𝙴𝚗𝚗𝚞𝚒 .. @blueeyesgreene
12K Followers 4K Following let's get out of here ☁️: https://t.co/FXCn4TBLu7 more tweets @ link ⤵️
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
Tipsy Angel Smoo🤍�.. @blonde_opinion
124K Followers 6K Following happily married, fuk awf, I don’t want to be your friend and yes he is ok with the pictures I share here,but also fuk off
M i c h a e l @Michael_Humor
5K Followers 2K Following #GirlDad ~ Laugh as often as possible ~ Enjoy this short life we live ~ You're as old as your back and knees say you are ~ your couch misses you
SeaShell @DianeP89
26K Followers 12K Following Back home 🇨🇦 after living on the other side of the ocean
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*The best life choice I ever made was to always take responsibility and never put the blame on others, no matter what. This decision changed my life, literally. One day, I got a huge promotion offer at work. Which I rejected respectfully, only to start my own business.
- Mom, what is a lesbian? - I'm busy, sweetie. Go ask Mom.
I didn't say you're being over dramatic. I just asked if you could turn down the violins in the background.
Me: Did you lock the front door? Her: Yes. Is that why you woke me up? Me: Sorry, but it's starting to get chilly outside.
A good relationship is when you both share the same taste in porn.
You know you're in love when you don't mind losing hours of sleep just so you have more time to spend with her.
That phase in life when you realize that's life and it's not a phase.
I don't suffer from a shortage of sleep, just an excess of being awake.
People who stare at me picking my nose in the car, you are disgusting.
Thanks to feminism, women are now strong, determined, and independent. They can pursue their preferred careers, make more money, achieve their life goals, and die alone.
I wonder if, on the last day of Burning Man, they also burn all the clichés that were sold there to everyone.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked "Are you going to pick this up?" I picked it up and replied to her "I have no choice, this is my food", and I walked away.
So many fights could be avoided if women realized that men don't ignore dirt. They just don't see it.
What app do I need to remove from my iPhone so it stops receiving calls?
I just sneezed so hard that one of my lungs landed on the table, curled up, and said, "I'm staying here until you apologize."
Most people are stuck in the past because the future is unknown and the present is depressing.
The human body contains 70% water and 30% useless information.
Life is too short. Be sure you're making the right mistakes.
I'd follow you to the end of the world just to make sure you're not coming back.
Trends for United States
You might like
