Burro Hunter @choniepony
Overly optimistic, grossly unprepared. So-Cal Joined September 2012-
Tweets21K
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Followers4K
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Following496
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Likes47K
And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
Happy easter
[pockets brass knuckles] The Rotary Awards Dinner is gonna look a little different this year.
i’m not entirely convinced that elon musk can identify all the boats in a captcha.
Anyone got any tips on making honey? I've been grinding the bees up real small, but it still tastes fucking horrible
JUDGE: state your occupation ME: I’m the best handjob artist in town MY LAWYER: *leans over and whispers* I thought we agreed on puppeteer
Gonna tell me grandkids this is Steve Bannon.
i got a white noise machine to help me sleep but it just says things like "i have many Latino friends" & "you should check out this podcast"
“I know, I know, it just feels wrong,” said Noah as he loaded the two murder hornets.
death is not the end; credits roll, there's a blooper reel, a few deleted scenes
If you believe in this kind of thing, the only real final four are the horsemen of the apocalypse. If you’re not a total fucking moron then the final four are just the last people to die of radiation poisoning, staggering around til the sun swallows the earth Please enjoy Arby’s
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*gracefully sl-i-i-i-i-i-ides across my kitchen floor and releases the Roomba like a curling stone to pick up a chip*
Been in Iowa for two days and now Slipknot makes total sense.
This is perfect
16 police officers hospitalized after reading the word "fentanyl" in an interdepartmental email
There’s nothing more exciting than being on an email chain you’re not directly responsible for and somebody starts their reply with “As I said in my previous email” It’s getting real. This is business thunderdome now
[at the crucifixion] Hey, isn’t that the guy that made our dining room table?
I am a tenured Professor of Russian History at Harvard. I have published seven books about Russo-Ukrainian relations. Here’s why the Will Smith slap was funny as shit. 🧵 (1/?)
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
Benny Boy @Camel_Crushin
10K Followers 6K Following
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time Asshole
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
Binderdunnit @njpc1888
2K Followers 3K Following I was born very young in Paisley because I wanted to be near my mother; now I'm older and wider. Diagnosed with Aspergers. Scotland deserves better than the UK.
Bryan Buckley @BryanBuckley09
320 Followers 741 Following Founder/CEO: Helmand Valley Growers | Company l Founder: Battle Brothers Foundation | Chairman: SD Cannabis Chamber of Commerce | Marine Raider Veteran
Beth G @Carlinelunatic
82 Followers 302 Following prob in a car line somewhere with a poop urge headed my way
Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker
2K Followers 1K Following I know why the caged bird drinks. https://t.co/RxYsGZ8pAg
Gary Muppet @GaryMuppet
3K Followers 3K Following Just a Muppet Whatnot and whatnot. So what? Inspired by a true story.
Housewife of Hell @HousewifeOfHell
29K Followers 13K Following Worst housewife ever. Mom to mortified teenage twins. Living a life of minivan magic.
JSlower @CooleyJscooley
5K Followers 5K Following father, carpenter, Independent politics and religion, optimist in the weeds, wannabe robot, breaking and making. #Lupus
Natasha Something @IfIwassomething
9K Followers 4K Following not in the last place you'd expect https://t.co/3fXb59eAtL
Michelle 🍎 @michelleDbelle
17K Followers 9K Following I spend my days with the future. | Just here to silently grade your tweets for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. #teacher
@[email protected].. @JonBaker
14K Followers 11K Following Gamer, geek, Mensan, and lover of all things comedy. Creator of the webcomic Alarmingly Bad (@AlarminglyBad)
𝙣𝙖𝙥𝙤𝙡�.. @NapVeg
8K Followers 6K Following developer alt: @nexxai | inventor of joke x | vaccine enthusiast | 4 time therapy world champion | ▪️P▪️U▪️S▪️S▪️Y▪️ | avi by @gazpachomachine | he/him
Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
13K Followers 9K Following In the name of the Earth & the Wind & the Fire, amen https://t.co/MEeOiowPL2
Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99
31K Followers 22K Following I am not leaving my wife. Unless something better comes along. Which I hope is tomorrow. Single dad. Former Student Government President at Faber College.
khaoticdarkness @khaoticdarkness
29 Followers 164 Following Just a small town girl dreaming of a big city world
NickCanyonero @DongCopter505
1K Followers 1K Following Anti-fascist af. Dongcopter505 is here to serve.
Brother Ben @SentenceReduced
11K Followers 10K Following #BillsMafia Gooble Gobble, One Of Us... https://t.co/WSm1eoBPQs)
Larinzo @LarinzoMosley
1K Followers 1K Following I hope you step in a wet spot after putting on a fresh pair of socks. Just a Carolina Guy trying to make sense of it all.
Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective
21K Followers 4K Following I'm organized but not neat. I'm intellectual but not intelligent. I'm frugal but not parsimonious. And I know how to use a thesaurus.
chynadoll9228 @chynadoll9228
202 Followers 975 Following
Sooz @CruisinSoozan
30K Followers 5K Following Erotically whimsical, clinically awkward 🔞💋 https://t.co/RTwJsrQhgu
McFolley @bluesman2020
81 Followers 1K Following
susan @susan99833234
678 Followers 4K Following
HouseOfBricksComedy @HOBComedy
426 Followers 3K Following Free comedy show at Pine Box Rock Shop the second Friday of every month at 8:00pm. Hosted by Gideon Hambright, Michael Good and Brandon Ream.
CHEMISTRY. @trychemistry
1K Followers 2K Following Full-spectrum cannabis products made from small batches of sustainably cultivated flower grown under the sun by NorCal's leading craft farms. ✌️ 💜 🌱
kimmi @mikkicoo
24 Followers 162 Following
Navybrat🌊🇺🇸 @be_whitten
467 Followers 2K Following Been through hell & back😨💊 Been a pediatric nurse...gotta love those little angels. Centrist, chocoholic, carb-addict, food connoisseur, animal lover.
Mandy Morris @MandyMo27985508
124 Followers 1K Following Arts & Culture Basketball Entertainment Fantasy sports Football (US) Fun Golf Government & Politics Hockey NCAA basketball NBA NBA NCAA football News Nonprofits
The Chosen One @TheChosenOne786
2K Followers 3K Following #Family #Business #Money #Football #MUFC #Boxing #Cars.. You Are What You Make Of Yourself #GodIsTheGreatest #Blessed
Maybe @Maybe83353577
102 Followers 652 Following
WhoKnows @lawmoaning
209 Followers 527 Following Moody lawyer living in the country. Lover of funny and rudeness. Contains swearing. Returning to twitter after a two year break up.
xoxo @MaSOcrazy
283 Followers 592 Following
Casually Baked @casuallybaked
985 Followers 744 Following I share my responsible cannabis lifestyle on Casually Baked, the potcast. Subscribe on your fav #podcast app. Become a Potcast Patron: https://t.co/eF5iIHx1QO
RØB€RT @rubbertoe1988
977 Followers 3K Following Amateur Chef, Hotelier, Gym Junkie, Inappropriate and Occasionally Funny. https://t.co/vtQeMzRu1q
K-dog 🔥🔥🔥 @Kdog_2001
2K Followers 2K Following Quite possibly the greatest human being who ever lived. Like. Ever. 🧐 https://t.co/w4nk2rN1jl
Battle Brothers Found.. @battlebroreal
189 Followers 458 Following 501c3 that Empowers veterans through community-based personal development, economic upward mobility, and progressive medical treatments.
sassymaisy @imsassymaisy
645 Followers 2K Following sassy Pisces...nuf said 😜. I write,retweet or quote what tickles me.
ismailkhan @ismailk10858593
273 Followers 1K Following
Aussie Primal @PrimalAussie
1K Followers 4K Following Published author • Australian male • Want to see where else I publish? visit https://t.co/fSW9FMyTNS
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
Tony P. @Tbone7219
43K Followers 19K Following
Grant Tanaka: Honky @GrantTanaka
37K Followers 5K Following Anatomically correct. For the most part.
C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau
57K Followers 50K Following Real Deal ~ Part Time Penis Model ~ Full Time Asshole
Kashana @kashanacauley
110K Followers 400 Following tv writer. deadly with a butter knife. author of the novel THE SURVIVALISTS 👉🏾 https://t.co/Ui1cbWVzUe
Benny 'Bluesky' Rolli.. @citizenkawala
21K Followers 8K Following Australian Jim Morrison | Real person | Dave's mate | 1053 https://t.co/PN73YRdrct
Welcome to the Ump Sh.. @umpjob
143K Followers 7 Following Always make yourself bigger than the game • @verymlb
Cat TikToks @CatTikToks
187K Followers 26 Following An account dedicated to cat TikToks and other cat content | https://t.co/behPBvmkes
Wu Tang is for the Ch.. @WUTangKids
213K Followers 2K Following Politics, Sports, Music…2023 EAS Survivor and 2024 NYC earthquake survivor
Ryan Ken @Ryan_Ken_Acts
108K Followers 2K Following Writer. Actor. Jokes. Incomplete thoughts. Nonbinary. They/Them [email protected]
Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit
21K Followers 753 Following Pilot. Mancub. Liar. 🍸🤘avi by @fro_vo / header by @marfsalvador https://t.co/6bJSdwHf8w
Fred Schultz @FredSchultz35
159K Followers 509 Following Posting videos that hopefully bring a smile or laugh. Laughing is something everyone can do more of these days.
CCTV_IDIOTS @cctv_idiots
1.5M Followers 59 Following *Original @cctv_idiots Account* (2015) Not Affiliated With Any Accounts Of Similar Name Enquiries [email protected]
Stephen Miles @SPMiles42
7K Followers 1K Following President @winwithoutwar. Talking national security, politics, Philly sports, New Orleans and anything else that springs to mind. Usual caveats.
Gary Muppet @GaryMuppet
3K Followers 3K Following Just a Muppet Whatnot and whatnot. So what? Inspired by a true story.
Ben Rhodes @brhodes
549K Followers 2K Following Pod Save The World, MSNBC, Author - After the Fall: Being American in the World We've Made: https://t.co/qzG9cDCc2X
Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly
5K Followers 1K Following eagle trainer. puppy petter. drinker of milk. taker of naps. author. artist. my books available at https://t.co/tNhRJoHok6
Eazy E @Evo1810
436 Followers 438 Following one eyed @RaidersCanberra supporter, beer lover, sports tragic, terrible golfer, and Canberra local. 🏉 🏏 ⛳️ 🍺
Steve Inskeep @NPRinskeep
367K Followers 4K Following @NPR. Author of Differ We Must, a NY Times bestseller. https://t.co/l9DXNpdKdO
David Gura @davidgura
114K Followers 4K Following Host, Bloomberg's "The Big Take" | [email protected] | "Read not the Times. Read the Eternities."
Dumb Beezie @dumbbeezie
44K Followers 23K Following This bio can't handle me I'm too many characters. Also fuck you
JSlower @CooleyJscooley
5K Followers 5K Following father, carpenter, Independent politics and religion, optimist in the weeds, wannabe robot, breaking and making. #Lupus
Blather Wince Repeat @xerxesbigboy
2K Followers 2K Following Showing blithe disregard for those who so blithely disregard.
David Roberts @drvolts
206K Followers 4K Following I run a newsletter/podcast called Volts about clean energy & politics. Subscribe & join the community at https://t.co/mAVggtRfoE! (@volts.wtf on bsky, ahem.)
CartNarcs @CartNarcs
34K Followers 0 Following Videos from the courageous agents of the #CartNarcs. As heard on @TheWoodyShow. Your head Cart Narc is Sebastian - [email protected]![I was a snowball in hell. [he/him] I'm now a problem you can throw money at: https://t.co/wV6uDObiYO](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/742195299523792897/zHMQ_4-f.jpg)
Bacon, Lettuce & Pota.. @DominicCaruso1
3K Followers 3K Following I was a snowball in hell. [he/him] I'm now a problem you can throw money at: https://t.co/wV6uDObiYO
translated cats @TranslatedCats
384K Followers 3K Following Cats with machine and AI translated captions. I also run @catworkers and @thereisnocat_. Replies are monitored for spam/page promotion/impression farming.
Michelle 🍎 @michelleDbelle
17K Followers 9K Following I spend my days with the future. | Just here to silently grade your tweets for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. #teacher
Paul Pumphouse @shiggs17
128 Followers 560 Following Laughable, likable, lovable, lug. Hunky, hefty hubby & doting Dad. UMass Flagship🏈🏆
Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
13K Followers 9K Following In the name of the Earth & the Wind & the Fire, amen https://t.co/MEeOiowPL2
Rod Carew @RodCarew_29
76K Followers 329 Following The official account of Hall of Famer, 77 AL MVP and 7x AL Batting Champ
big boy online @idonotbleed
11K Followers 449 Following web page for reading my posts and being my.friend
Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99
31K Followers 22K Following I am not leaving my wife. Unless something better comes along. Which I hope is tomorrow. Single dad. Former Student Government President at Faber College.
Mr. Green @MGreenMachine19
369 Followers 1K Following Mean*. Green. Machine.** *not really so mean as mildly irritated. **not technically a machine.
Brent Terhune Bloomin.. @BrentTerhune
379K Followers 5K Following Comedian. The Field Trip and They're Coming to Get You podcasts.
David Zinn @davidzinn_art
32K Followers 144 Following Habitual doodler and street artist, wrangling ephemerality and finding uplift underfoot.
Natasha Something @IfIwassomething
9K Followers 4K Following not in the last place you'd expect https://t.co/3fXb59eAtL
TuSoon Shakur @TuSoonShakur
13K Followers 2K Following
James Rehwald @JamesRehwald
127K Followers 1K Following 🇵🇭 Support me on Patreon! Instagram: jrehwald15backup TikTok: jrehwald15 Inquiries: [email protected] - views are my own, not my employer’s
Kaleb Horton @kalebhorton
20K Followers 2K Following Writer/photographer. Epic, GQ, MTV, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair, Vice. Looking for a job. [email protected]. Podcast: @LastExitShow
Deserted Places 🏚�.. @iDesertedPlaces
501K Followers 197 Following Incredible Abandoned Places, Ghost Towns, Abandoned Buildings, Deserted Cityscapes & Urban Explorations Around The World 🏚️🌍
Acyn @Acyn
478K Followers 6K Following Senior Digital Editor for https://t.co/ok280opPL9 Clips made with @SnapStream Internet Hooligan…
Public Citizen @Public_Citizen
498K Followers 7K Following Public Citizen has been standing up to corporate power and holding government accountable for 50 years. We're people-powered and accept no corporate money.
NickCanyonero @DongCopter505
1K Followers 1K Following Anti-fascist af. Dongcopter505 is here to serve.
Wonder of Science @wonderofscience
2.4M Followers 42 Following "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science." - Albert Einstein
I shit you not. This idiot is the #GlassOnion “Genius”.
@MatthewJshow I’m not part of MAGA, but I do believe in fairness of justice. Chansley was falsely portrayed in the media as a violent criminal who tried to overthrow the state and who urged others to commit violence. But here he is urging people to be peaceful and go home. And the other…
@JohnnaCrider1 @stats_feed Underground tunnels are immune to surface weather conditions (subways are a good example), so it wouldn’t matter to Hyperloop if a hurricane was raging on the surface. You wouldn’t even notice.
Ben Simmons whenever it's game day:
I have never disliked an athlete more than Ben Simmons. Daryl Morey better never have to buy his own drinks anywhere in the city of Philadelphia forever for somehow getting James Harden for this heartless motherfucker.
Ben Simmons has officially completed the biggest heist in NBA history. He really sat out an entire season! Carry on…
spring is the perfect time for a frog to put on a little gentleman’s suit and play a banjo atop a wild mushroom imo
E-girl and her podcaster boyfriend.
I believe the children are our future
jesus: *comes back to life after being brutally murdered* some fucking rabbit:
Why don’t we eat rabbit for Easter? We have no problem straight chugging them turkeys for Thanksgiving.
My hobbies include smoking marijuana and hunting with my dog
Want to go back and tell my 17-year old self that one day the guy who wrote Cop Killer will be promoting heart health on the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Tonight my prayers go out to anyone who has ever encountered a math problem and was so scared they immediately turned gay or trans.
HAS SCIENCE GONE TOO FAR? [camera pans to me making a Nyquil margarita]
I have 3 Covid shots and I’m bathed, can I legally be inside Walmart?
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