Deena Lang @itsdeenalang
Relatable Adulthood + Momhood Humor twitter.com/search/from:it… Florida, USA Joined February 2009-
Tweets13K
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Followers4K
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Following646
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Likes11K
If you’re driving with the seat heater on because your back hurts, not because it’s cold, you’re my people 
Me: it’s super early. can we just have a lite conversation until my coffee kicks in? My kid: no problem… what are your thoughts on bureaucracy? 
Heard my kid running in the direction of my bedroom and preemptively yelled “don’t come in here, I’m not dressed!” to which he replied “don’t worry, mommy, nobody wants to see your naked body anyway!” & then my husband laughed & now they both need your prayers to survive this day
Just a reminder that the more fun it looks like someone’s having on social media, the less fun they actually had irl
Anybody else unable to recall what they had for breakfast but have a song attached to every single memorable thing that's ever happened in their life that instantly transports them back to that exact place and time within seconds?
Did you have a nice Sunday or were you my husband attempting to pry me away from “rescuing” these clearance fruit trees outside of the grocery store?
Had 2 drinks last night and woke up to a reminder email that I apparently added a top of the line washer & dryer to my cart and never completed my purchase Welcome to adulthood
As a parent my greatest hope is that my child will one day fight for my honor with the same vigor he uses to defend all the obnoxious YouTubers he’s obsessed with
By the time I actually get used to getting my period every month I’ll be hitting menopause 
Some days you win, and some days you drop an entire brand new giant container of Greek yogurt on the kitchen floor and it explodes everywhere and your dog alligator rolls around in it 
We’re not fucking with April Fools, right? We’ve been through enough and I am FAR too fragile
I miss the days when I could threaten to call the Easter Bunny to report my child’s behavior when my kid wouldn’t question the concept of an animal using a cell phone
Parenting a tween is much easier if you just agree that Elton John and John Legend are the same person and move on
Social media is : posting a reminder to wear sunscreen and immediately being told voting is more important
Love how my kid’s allowed to walk around the house beatboxing and emitting every noise known to man, but when I do it he’s horrified
One day you just wake up and start saying shit like “I’m so jealous of the neighbor’s mulch situation”
Nothing like being forced to get glammed up and record a video to appease the royals while you’re suffering from cancer
Nothing like being forced to get glammed up and record a video to appease the royals while you’re suffering from cancer
Officially at an age where I’m not young enough or cute enough for people to offer to help when they see me struggling in a parking lot … I had a nice run though
Me: I’m gonna accomplish so much today 💪🏻 Universe: looks like it’s time to reset all your passwords
There are people who have their shit together and then there’s me who just realized I’ve been walking around with my husband’s used Breathe Right strip stuck to my back all day
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
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14K Followers 943 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjTwinstant Family | Li.. @twinstantfamily
4K Followers 1K Following Twitter is just like real life. I talk about my kids and our life only to find out I’m just talking to myself. 100% mom, wife, mess. #IVF #ASD@itssherifield @itssherifield
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171 Followers 916 FollowingDadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 589 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgamingOne Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 943 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjTwinstant Family | Li.. @twinstantfamily
4K Followers 1K Following Twitter is just like real life. I talk about my kids and our life only to find out I’m just talking to myself. 100% mom, wife, mess. #IVF #ASDAdam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKMarcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensiveKevin The Dad @kevinthedad
15K Followers 973 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4ONicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4
116K Followers 6K Following I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids. https://t.co/m6TcvYNqfmredyellowgreendance �.. @RYGdance
4K Followers 838 Following Mom to two hilariously quotable boys. Link to my tweets: https://t.co/fEivqY0S59sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4McDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
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1.1M Followers 539 Following Live to make people laugh. Proud dad to kids & dogs. @gatto_pups Be kind. My podcast @twocoolmomspod Link to Tour tickets, cameos, YouTube, TikToks & IGMurr @jamessmurray
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25K Followers 5K Following 𝕌𝕟𝕒𝕡𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝔻𝕠𝕡𝕖 ℝ𝕒𝕔𝕔𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕦𝕣 𝕊𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕒𝕘𝕖 𝔼𝕘𝕘 𝕄𝕔𝕄𝕦𝕗𝕗𝕚𝕟 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕒𝕤tThe Kids Are Not On F.. @KidsArentOnFire
2K Followers 569 Following Parenting. Autism. Humor. Small wins. Don't come at me with your essential oils. My tweets: https://t.co/edVPSK1FZwSarcasm and Wine @sarcasm_wine
10 Followers 49 Followingkindminds_smarthearts @kindminds_
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3K Followers 876 Following Retired bartender turned stay-at-home mom. Writing about marriage+motherhood. Bylines @todayshow @herviewfromhome @fox2news Instagram👇themomessence @themomessence
3K Followers 2K Following Welcome to this moms brain 🧠Occasionally I’m funny. Doing my best to normalize the struggles ❤️Just paid rent 💪 But I want Chinese food 😭 Adulting sucks
It’s almost 9pm and its taking everything in me NOT to go buy a cake for no good reason for me, myself and I. (THIS is the part about adulting nobody talks about)
Adulting is really - saving up for one thing, getting it, and immediately saving up again for the next thing to get. No breaks. 😶
I can’t stress enough how helpful it is to be able to talk about mental health struggles with friends. ❤️
@PolitlcsUK How sad that this extremely personal struggle has to be explained to the general public. Wishing her and her family well. God bless
@itsdeenalang In twenty years or so you may be old enough for them to help out
My little 🍊. #Cuse #Syracuse #MarchMadness
Sometimes I wish sitcoms were real life, who wouldn't want an applause break everytime they walk through a door?
me: Alexa can be used as a great learning tool. my 9yo son: Alexa, make fart noises!
I bought another pair of jeans purposely so I have two pairs to wear instead of just the ones I’m always in. I now only wear the second pair.
Stages of marriage: 1. Get married 2. WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD 3. Get divorced
Insta is down, guess it’s time to hang here while we wait…
Is it depression when showering seems like too much?
Getting quotes for new windows. First quote– $80,000. I will burn the house down before I will pay that. Second quote 50k. Still terrible. Third quote, $26,000. WHY does everything have to be this hard?? Now it’s got me wondering if the low quote is way too cheap.
Celebrating President's Day by not doing anything I promised I would
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Babies don’t deserve pockets on their clothes, what are they using them for? It’s not like they have loose change or a pack of cigarettes to carry around
I do not trust the comedic sensibilities of anyone who doesn’t recognize that Tina Fey is a genius