swollenvoice @swollenvoice
Jokes are meant to be told, heard and laughed at. I am the speed reading champ among dyslexic 1st graders. Swollenvoice.tumblr.com Denver Colorado Joined March 2011-
Tweets47K
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Followers7K
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Following4K
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Likes106K
I don't know if it's the Boyz 2 Men playing in the background or my walking into a crotch height shelf in one of my stores but, I can't stop crying.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard back from him since.
My dog would make a great baby sitter. Plus she needs a summer job.
Tried to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on more times then I should have.
My girlfriend is so much better looking than me that yesterday a cashier placed one if those plastic dividers down in the middle of our groceries.
Remember back before Onlyfans when your mom just sold Avon?
Finally, OJ can rest knowing that his wife's killer is dead.
Now that I think about it, homeless people have alot of things I don't. A 30 inch waist, natural bed head.... Syphilis.
Argue with me over something I can't change so I know you're an idiot.
Dear consumers, If minimum wage increases, so does the price of everything else. Stop being surprised by kindergarten knowledge.
If i want some one to really understand something I make sure to talk behind their back, that way they hear it more than once.
If God didn't want me to have anxiety, why'd he give me all these cuticles? We've all had a day where you're like, Having a rough one fella, you know what to do. You got 2 handfuls of panic snacks. Lock yourself in the bathroom at lunch and go full Blues Travler on those things.
Are we sure that Almond milk isn't making everybody trans? We used to have whole and 2% milk, and we all had strong bones and regular gays.
The only thing you take seriously after 2 weeks of explosive diarrhea is really soft toilet paper.
I'm more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you have saved room for dessert.
I just realized I work with someone who has one big hand and one small hand. I now refer to him as the clock.
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
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13K Followers 8K Following my head underwater, but I ain't in the shower and I ain't gettin baptized https://t.co/XoQNCGR9uiRed Velvet Sin @DontTouchMyWine
12K Followers 630 Following Recently expelled from anger management class, and enjoys punching people in the throat. I want to be the reason they never find your body.Mikey from Canarsie. .. @mikeym00n
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38K Followers 50 Following Anti-government work. Found at: https://t.co/1C0kBrD3dlI always special order my fast food so they have to spit on it fresh
2 doughnuts for breakfast 2 doughnuts for lunch a sensible dinner 2 doughnuts for dessert that's why they come in 6 packs
We're sorry, you've been found guilty of crimes you weren't rich enough to commit
If someone is yelling that they’re being kind and considerate they missed the fucking memo.
I was just offered $10 for my panties. I am offended.
Ever worry the God you are following is really only a parody God?
Today was a bad day. Three steps forward, one back I suppose.
I am so fucking sick of hearing Donald Trump whine about how badly he is treated.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18 And that's just for the alcohol
When nothing goes right I drink whatever is left
Crushed my set today!!* *snuck jokes into a memorial service for my dead da
Like a bowl of mac and cheese with licensed cartoon character pasta shapes, it was hard to tell who she really was.
It’s been a good week. I feel like I’ve hit constant home runs every day.