swollenvoice @swollenvoice
Jokes are meant to be told, heard and laughed at. I am the speed reading champ among dyslexic 1st graders. Swollenvoice.tumblr.com Denver Colorado Joined March 2011-
Tweets47K
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Followers7K
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Following4K
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Likes106K
I don't know if it's the Boyz 2 Men playing in the background or my walking into a crotch height shelf in one of my stores but, I can't stop crying.
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Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, I haven't heard back from him since.
My dog would make a great baby sitter. Plus she needs a summer job.
Tried to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on more times then I should have.
My girlfriend is so much better looking than me that yesterday a cashier placed one if those plastic dividers down in the middle of our groceries.
Remember back before Onlyfans when your mom just sold Avon?
Finally, OJ can rest knowing that his wife's killer is dead.
Now that I think about it, homeless people have alot of things I don't. A 30 inch waist, natural bed head.... Syphilis.
Argue with me over something I can't change so I know you're an idiot.
Dear consumers, If minimum wage increases, so does the price of everything else. Stop being surprised by kindergarten knowledge.
If i want some one to really understand something I make sure to talk behind their back, that way they hear it more than once.
If God didn't want me to have anxiety, why'd he give me all these cuticles? We've all had a day where you're like, Having a rough one fella, you know what to do. You got 2 handfuls of panic snacks. Lock yourself in the bathroom at lunch and go full Blues Travler on those things.
Are we sure that Almond milk isn't making everybody trans? We used to have whole and 2% milk, and we all had strong bones and regular gays.
The only thing you take seriously after 2 weeks of explosive diarrhea is really soft toilet paper.
swollenvoice retweeted
I'm more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you have saved room for dessert.
I just realized I work with someone who has one big hand and one small hand. I now refer to him as the clock.
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