Spencer Tucker @AdvertMagic

Pierce Brosnan is seducing a lady in a casino. He excuses himself, goes to the men's & washes his genitals in #Davidoff THE Gentleman's Wash

What if dogs could talk? Queue montage of dogs shouting 'Oi'!, 'Phwoar!', Wahey!'. A man's best friend. aka a man. #PedigreeChum

Cat licks genitals. Dog licks genitals. Woman kisses cat. Man kisses dog. Slow mo, panning-in man and woman go to kiss. #Listerine.

What if cats could talk? Queue montage of cats whispering 'fat whore', 'no wonder David left you' etc. Feed the bitches Whiskas or else.

Bang! Car crash! 5 die in old Nissan while in new Megane a dashing gent pushes aside an airbag to take a sip from his G&T. 5* Ancap Rating

New Daz Starch N' White. Danny Baker takes to the doorsteps to challenge people to find a single wrinkle in his ironed-flat testicles.

Blazin' Squad come off stage all smiles, an echo of prepubescent cheering. Their agent gives them their pay: 50p each. 'Learn Mathz' (DoE)

New Flake ad: approach topless beauty at dressing table, we meet reflection, she's rubbing moisturiser into her scaly eczema-ridden skin

B/W shot of Nikes, toes pushing off, feet sailing over heads, then dangling. Cut to Joe Pasquale hanging from hoop screaming. Nike Helium

Montage of marching Chinese soldiers, waterboarding, Elias from Platoon dying. Cut to 12" Ultraflex Helix ruler. We Will Rule the World.

He begins suffocating, his friends grasping helplessly at the condom. PARENTS: Always Prick Holes In Your Children's Condoms.

Government safety ad: teens having fun at a drunken party, one starts blowing up a condom over his head, his friends cackle like hyenas.

SHARP CUT to family car: bodies thrown forward, 6 synchronised decapitations, buckets of blood. 'DO NOT LUST'. The Catholic Church'

Cut to slow-mo of two bikini-clad babes walking along the sidewalk laughing, beads of sweat glistening on their heaving, beautiful chests.

A family of 5 + dog in a car, identikit polo shirts & side partings, Charles Trenets La Mer on radio. All eyes pan slowly to their left

'Takes One to Know One.' Slow pan from Tom Selleck's taut denim groin to him eating a Magnum.