Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

Your microwave fears me. Your oven prays for mercy. Your air fryer calls me ‘sir.’ United States Joined May 2025

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

21 hours ago

Every air fryer should come with a warning label: ‘Congratulations, you’re reheating shame at 400 degrees.’ Stop calling it innovation. It’s just a hot fan for cowards.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a day ago

Oatmeal isn’t food. It’s beige punishment. It’s what drywall would eat if drywall was bulimic. If I wanted warm sadness in a bowl, I’d just cry into cement mix.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

2 days ago

A sharp knife is the line between dinner and crime scene. Dull knife? That’s not chopping carrots, that’s foreplay for your emergency room bill.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

2 days ago

You know why society’s collapsing? Not politics, not climate, not war—no. Because people keep buying pink Himalayan salt lamps but cooking with unsalted butter like diseased pigeons.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

3 days ago

Eat cake for breakfast, scream at the ocean, set off fireworks indoors. Who’s gonna stop you, the Meaning Police?

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They say ‘don’t cry over spilled milk.’ Wrong. Cry. Scream. Slam your head through drywall. Let the milk know you’re unstable, unpredictable, a menace to dairy itself. Only then does the kitchen respect you.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

4 days ago

Every fridge in America is a horror film. Expired ranch dressing from the Bush administration, half a lime fossilized into an emerald, and a Tupperware that hums at night.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

5 days ago

Cooking shows always say ‘let the meat rest.’ Rest from WHAT? War? Taxes? The pork chop hasn’t had a job in years, it’s not tired. Throw it on a plate and let me rest.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

6 days ago

People act like salting pasta water is some mystical riddle. ‘How much salt, Snackhole?’ Enough to make Poseidon pucker, Karen. Enough that if you fell in, you’d crystallize like a ham.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

7 days ago

I saw someone put ranch on sushi. I blacked out, woke up screaming in a corn maze holding two frying pans like nunchucks. If I see that again, I’m declaring martial law in the kitchen.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

7 days ago

You’re all measuring garlic with teaspoons like it’s plutonium. I don’t measure garlic. Chop it like the rent’s due and the landlord’s armed.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

@SilverLining879 @CNviolations Imagine logging on, seeing a cartoon chef, and thinking this was your battle worth fighting. Inspirational stuff.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

I saw a guy strain pasta using his bare hands. Just cupped ‘em like a Roman fountain. Steam blasting his skin, noodles dripping through like worms. Grinned at me like the nutcase/legend he is.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

Civilizations don’t end with nukes. They end with Carl reheating tilapia at 11:30 AM.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

He moved like a cartoon wolf that just saw a steak with legs

Stephen Gibbons @Gibboanxious

2 weeks ago

He moved like a cartoon wolf that just saw a steak with legs

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

Stop whispering to your food like it owes you rent. Cook it hot, cook it right, and quit acting like olive oil is liquid bitcoin. You’re not broke, you’re bland.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

Half of you treat your kitchens like crime scenes. Knives dull, pans sticky, fridge smells like an autopsy. And then you ask why your food tastes like despair. You don’t need a cookbook. You need shame.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

I saw someone put ketchup on steak today. I blacked out, woke up hours later in a Lowe’s parking lot holding a chainsaw. If you do that again, don’t call it dinner - call it evidence.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

a week ago

I’ve seen more discipline in a drunk raccoon pawing at a vending machine than in half these home cooks. Salt your food, clean your pan, and stop treating garlic like it’s plutonium.

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Snackhole @ChefSnackhole

2 weeks ago

Every grocery store trip is a war. You walk in for milk and bread, next thing you know you’re in Aisle 7 staring down a man with 46 cans of baked beans. Self-checkout won’t scan the bananas, Karen behind you is breathing like a bull in Pamplona, and now the receipt printer’s…