gONe @D_Mask_Us
Joined February 2014-
Tweets909
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Followers88
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Following11
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Likes156
This diet is getting ridiculous! I just found out I’m not even allowed to eat my favorite vegetable! I’ll miss you high fructose corn.
It’s amazing how lame my workouts are compared to the epicness of my playlist. I just jog/walked two miles to E.W.&F.’s “September”.
Almost hit a deer! I think deer aren’t “caught in the headlights”, most deer are admiring our driving. Some of us are just that good at it!
My wife: No, Michael ME: It’s just a costume wife: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had”
I can’t relate to the courage of people who shove things onto their eyeballs or shoot their eyes with lasers rather than put on glasses.
Sorta like how some Christians go from one church to another: RT @stuffJCdidntsay: When humans aren’t around... x.com/j_zeverino/sta…
When you pay someone to read the Bible to you, the person charges you by the line. To be honest, I think it’s perverse.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all morning. #oldiebutagoodie
you ever change soaps and then get repeatedly startled because you smell a strange but nicely scented person directly behind you?
The weather forecast said there'd be weather. And there was.
Oct. 9 - Happy Columbus Day! Honor Christopher Columbus today by getting half way to a goal and then calling it good.
Whoever had the brilliant idea to label all the food in the break room fridge was genius. “Shay” was delicious. ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ Highly recommend
I'm at a restaurant & a guy took a plate of mashed potatoes into the bathroom 10 minutes ago and hasn't come out. This isn’t okay, right?
i can see why people hate change it's heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy stuff, i get it
The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can mow the lawn themselves
...but Donell spends 90% of his time in the bathroom anyway so I’m still at a loss
someone's been eating my lunch at work so I put Ex-Lax in my sandwich yesterday to flush 'em out, and today Donell called in sick, but...
Do you ever wake up and kiss the person beside you and thank God for your life? I just did and now I’m not allowed in staff meetings anymore
My college writing and asking if I’ll donate money to them is like the grocery store cashier asking if I'd like to pay for my milk twice
@D_Mask_Us I so appreciate your humor ESPECIALLY on days like these. 😘
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