Amber Gush @FailFastPivot

Today's one of those days when the white girl at the front desk has to act like she's super into some Indian religious holiday and make a giant fucking mess of the office that offends everyone. #ThankYouNamjoon

The Goonies was just insanely racist. #MYTRUTHDOC

In these trying times we all could use a little comfort so I'm pleased to announce my new app: Spooning with Stepdads #PlayWithLife

New York to officially convert all prisoners to slaves so the douchebag who's spent the last decade of his life playing with his phone in the bathroom can have clean hands. #PlayWithLife

There's no dojo in my stupid town so I'm teaching myself some Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles dakimakura I cover my weird curvy boners with when I'm watching Young Sheldon.

Jocko Willink said you can never be disrespected by someone who doesn't even respect themselves so my grandma can go fuck herself if she has a problem with me keeping my comic book statues in her craft room because she's a stupid whore and she has no right to talk to me that way.

I like how Jocko Willink reminds us all that the only thing you need to be really successful in life is gumption and some good old fashioned white maleness.

Someday I hope to meet Jocko Willink and show him my EDC loadout. I bet we'd have a lot of similar opinions about jimping on the butt.

I love listening to Jocko Willink and look forward to the day that I will be able to apply his teachings to my job at California Pizza Kitchen but until then I just wear tactical shorts and review Zero Tolerance knives on YouTube while gasping for air.

Ted Cruz is going to use this unforeseen downtime to finish up his book entitled "How To Fuck A Anime." #WWEChamber

Let's be honest here, if you're going on a cruise your life has pretty much run its course and you're statistically unlikely to contribute anything of value to society ever again--assuming you ever did in the first place.

I like to make my own soundtrack to #UFC248 so I get out my Ugly Kid Joe and Sublime CDs that I used to cry myself to sleep to and blast them out of my out-turned Beats by Dre. I am so empty inside I honestly think I could die.

Every time I get up to go to the bathroom during #UFC248 I sneak back into my closet and put on a different Affliction tee. It's the only time I get to wear them.

When they get to the talking parts of #UFC248 I whip out my phone and watch some videos of black people reacting to Tool songs. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hella racist.

Before I put on #UFC248 I spent six hours in my isolation tank and it felt like I was being lovingly embraced by Joe Rogan's crushed velvet asshole the entire time. Thank god the salt hides all the cum or my mom would get hella mad.

Watching #UFC248 alone because last time I had the guys over they thought they saw me touching my weenis under the blanket. I was not touching my weenis. I just had an itch that kept coming back from all the pussy I slay on the reg.

My mom caught me trying on her pantyhose when I was 7 and she burned my butthole with the curling iron. Thank god I've got #UFC248 to help me forget about how powerless I feel every minute of every day.

Stay home you useless fucks #SXSW2020

I never realized my dad was raping me. He always said he was just "filling in the blank." #FreeCodeFridayContest

Elders at @BYU say that any male student caught sucking a dick will have to sit there and suck every single dick on campus right in front of them until they learn their lesson. #GreysAnatomy