Carey Wilkinson @JakeQuotes22
Second-hand tweets from my five-year-old male heir. Baby book account. Joined October 2014-
Tweets157
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Followers25
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Following19
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Likes28
“Don’t drive off of this high bridge because I don’t want to have to start over all the way back at home.” Boy learned everything he needs to know about mortality from video games.
Mom: Owen, what do you want for Christmas? Owen: Halloween. That’s my boy.
@Danielgilligan No word if they’ve learned how not to use nonsensical similes such as “flow like a harpoon”.
“Hey, Jake, you did a great job being a good example for Owen and showing him how to clean up.” “Well, we learn leadership at school and also we collaborate.” “😳”
*knock on the bathroom door. I open it* “Daddy are you pooping alone?” “I *was*.”
Help me #give2veterans. Every retweet means a dollar for @stand4heroes, up to $500K, by 9/30. Let's see how much we can raise today!
Owen: *bursts into tears while having a muffin* Mom: what's wrong? Owen: I ate my fingers!
"The mouth needs milk at least once a day." #science
*I notice Jake is grinning* "What's in your head, bud?" "Silly thoughts."
*Jake enters the living room with a bunch of glow sticks stuffed down his pants* "I tried to make glow pants but it didn't work so good."
Me: Did you wipe your tuchas? J: Yea...wait...actually what's a tuchas?
Jake: Can you come get Owen? He's being boring. Owen: I boring.
Watching Paul Blart make a drunken fool of himself: "He's jamming when you're not supposed to jam!"
Luke says: Hey everybody, let's play Spin the Bottle! But, with hugs 🤗
*Underdog streaks through the atmosphere and falls to earth. Appears to have not made it* Jake: hahahaha I can see his penis.
The earth is so dirty he doesn't even know.
Jake had to pee really badly at the beach so I encouraged him to go in the ocean. "No, daddy. That will make the earth dirty."
"I'm telling you, you hit me with that and you're gonna lose a friend." "What friend are you gonna take down?"
"When I grow up I'm gonna be a singer and a dancer then I'm gonna do something silly to get fired then I'm gonna be a scientist."
J: you're being silly Dad: I'm never silly. I'm the most serious man there's ever been. J: you're being silly right now by saying that
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