Jim Fleming @Jimflemingiv

I just walked down a dark stairway into the basement of a bowling alley. It smells like murder in here.

Even though it might seem like a good idea initially, never, ever, under any circumstance, trust a monkey with fireworks.

Its depressing when you pick up chinese foor for yourself and there are two fortune cookies. They thougt I would be sharing :( I'm fat

I'll be honest, the last place I expected to see an amish person was the airport. I sooo want to check long term parking for a buggy.

Is there a full moon or something today? I am noticing a very high percentage of Ed Hardy tshirts being worn today.

Its a good thing airports can serve beer early in the morning. Its gives frustrated travelers with an alcohol problem an outlet

Be weary of a "4 star hotel" with a sizzler in the lobby.

Fist bumps on an airplane? I'm happy this fucker got off the ground too but I won't fist bump you till they get this tin can back down safe.

Where am I? A man in a cowboy hat, a big pic of Jesus on a cash register, & a BBQ place called "Dickies rub"? You guessed it, I am in Dallas

Here's a phrase you don't hear everyday; yes officer, I would like cat litter in my blueberry muffins. Can I also get a side of mustache?

is it bad, that whenever i go to the beach, i secretly hope to see a shark attack?

this being my first time flying into Minnesotta, its no surprise a us senator was trolling for sex here. the bathrooms are quite lovely.

when it comes to choosing a urinal, i always try to pick the one with the fewest pubes.

they always say "the world needs ditch diggers." but when was the last time you saw someone digging a ditch?

i sometimes freak out that i walked into the womens bathroom by accident in a public place, but then realize i am at a urinal.

so this is basically like talking to yourself. i am alone in the airport and this seems less crazy than just talking out loud to no one.

That first one was so easy I wanted to see if a second "tweet" would be AS easy. Seems like it so far.

It is interestig that I am going to "tweet" something for the world to read, but I doubt that a single person will ever actually read this.