KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

A one-eyed guinea pig imprisoned with a moron. Squeaks as he finds. Longs for the day he's free of his captors and his cellmate Sidney. Prison somewhere in England. Joined August 2019

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Finally cleaned out and replaced newspaper with effing straw! You can't eat it! It didn't fix Henry's bucket when he told dear Liza there was a hole in it! FFS! I'd sooner sleep on The Sun than this shit. I'd sooner sleep on my shit than this shit!

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Boris has had a breakthrough. I thought I did... I got my head through the bars and could see my escape... Only then I realised guinea pigs are wider at the back...

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

No new newspaper bedding for ages! So no idea what's happening in the world. Same old shit probably... Much like that pile we've made.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

I thought that bastard fox had got in again last night and nibbled my other eye! Realised after six hours of blindness that I just had a sunflower seed stuck over it.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

I wasn't expecting more than four years either #britishpensioners ... But I've been told guineas live for eight so I'm stuck in this prison!

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Decided to give Sidney taste of his own medicine so closed my one eye and advanced upon him, grinding like he were sexiest sow ever, rutting as life depended on it. Opened my one good eye to realise Sidney had moved away and I was shagging a cauliflower.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

There was a massive great spider in the hutch just now. But unlike #LadyHale it wasn't diamond encrusted.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Jean-Claude says he doesn't have an erotic relationship with the Backstop. Wish Sidney would stop having an erotic relationship with the water bottle. It's content was distinctly cloudy today.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Like the EU have given #BorisJohnsonPM I've given Sidney 12 days to come up with an exit plan out this hutch... So far he keeps thinking he's found a tunnel out of here... It's a toilet roll tube our captors have thrown in...

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Now look #XavierBettel he might be a knob but he's our knob, all right?

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Luxembourg is about the size of this hutch. And no-one bothers with me and Sidney so they can bloody jog on.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

That'll teach me for falling asleep with my head through the bars trying to gnaw my way out. That bastard fox, not content on getting one of my eyes, nearly got the rest of my head!

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

That pile of poo in the corner isn't where Sidney's been... It's the serialisation of #DavidCameron's autobiography in the newspaper we use as our bedding.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Huh! #DuchessMeghan had to rush home to feed the baby! Wish someone would rush home to feed us! Last cabbage leaf days ago!

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

One thing about not having hay but having newspaper for bedding is I get to find out about the outside world. I also get to wee on Boris so sometimes there is an upside to my captivity.

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KennyInCaptivity 🐾 @KCaptivity

7 years ago

Just had bonding moment with Sidney when, like Lady & the Tramp we nibbled the same carrot and ended up sharing a kiss. Oh for a lady guinea! How can I, in this enforced captivity, fulfil my dream of fathering an entire stock of guineas at Pets at Home?