Nkandla Homestead @NkandlaHome
Residence of the President of South Africa, First Ladies, plus some cows and chickens Nkandla, South Africa Joined December 2013-
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Jacob Zuma is history, and so is this account. Thanks for watching. (Herding, please feel free to take the chickens and goats home. No, really, we're done here.) Goodbye and good luck, South Africa.
HOUSEKEEPING: We are united celebrating 100 years of unity in our glorious united movement but please take the portraits of the whole NEC and turn them around so they are united in facing the wall. Thank you.
SECURITY: Please note that #ZumaMustGo is just a hashtag on Twitter. It is NOT the safe-word we all agreed on last year. Please stop loading artworks and tins of tuna onto the helicopter.
HOUSEKEEPING: Please remove all vases, glassware, or anything else that might break if it is thrown across a room. Thank you.
NOTE: #WorkersDay crowds singing "Zuma must go" were actually singing "Zuma must go ON FOR ANOTHER 5 YEARS" but forgot the rest of the song.
TO ALL MEDIA: We concede that about 15 people wanted No1 to leave the stage - BECAUSE HE IS 75 & SHOULD NOT BE WORKING ON A PUBLIC HOLIDAY.
TO ALL MEDIA: This #WorkersDay booing is clearly the work of White Monopoly Capital even if those booing are Black Socialist Labour.
HERDING: Please calm down. No1 is NOT going to take your job. x.com/effsouthafrica…
HERDING: Please calm down. No1 is NOT going to take your job. x.com/effsouthafrica…
ALL MEDIA: It is a blatant LIE that there are 100,000 people at the #NationalDayofAction. There are 100 and 0 and 0 and 0.
ALL STAFF: We understand that the #NationalDayofAction is upsetting but do not be afraid. Bell Pottinger and Paid Twitter will be here soon.
BIRTHDAY PRESENT UPDATE: We have commissioned a statue of No1 pushing his glasses up his nose. The artist says he'll finish the rest ASAP.
UPDATE: Catering, please do not do a chicken cake. Herding has already made this one. Herding, please report to Security Cluster.
CATERING: When we said we wanted No1s birthday cake to be GOAT we meant Greatest Of All Time. Fix this.
SANDF: Apologies for last tweet. We meant "as you protect our President and enforce law and order."
ALL SANDF CADRES: We salute you, comrades, as you protect our President tonight from the forces of law and order. #SONA2017
HERDING: FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP ASKING "WHAT TIME IS 14h00?" IT'S 2 O' F****ING CLOCK OK?! Sorry comrades. We are all tense. Sorry.
ALL MEDIA: We can confirm headlines saying "ANC TURNS ON ZUMA" are 100% true. The ANC has always turned Zuma on. Nothing has changed.
HOUSEKEEPING: Please stop asking if you must "put the good linen in the master bedroom for a long stay". We don't know, and it is upsetting.
ALL MEDIA: Msholozi was NOT sleeping. He was applying his mind to a dream. He has big dreams. Sometimes they go on for 15 minutes.
NOTE: "Lions that fail to work as a team will fail even to bring down a limping buffalo" is NOT a subtweet at Cde Ramaphosa #mtbps2016
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