Sarcasm Machine @Sarcasm_Machine
Tweeting by @beejangles . Chicago, Illinois Joined June 2012-
Tweets4K
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Followers79K
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Following11
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I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasnt the right answer.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
"Okay" means youre in the clear. "K" means youre better off not coming home.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the b*tchfit that’s coming.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I dont understand interventions. Whats the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
I just lost my mood ring, I dont know how I feel about that.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
Im not a mechanic so I dont know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
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