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BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

Communications ~ Public Relations ~ #UNC grad ~ #TeamFollowBack ~ Music is my life... California Joined May 2012
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SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

When I travel, I always ask the locals, "Where do YOU like to eat the bland food that does not threaten me?"

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Vladimir Putin will wrestle a giant octopus with his bare hands but shrieks like a little girl when he sees a gay person.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

satan wakes from his slumber, sees that time warner cable is still in business, and goes back to sleep with a smile on his face

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Idea for game show: Landlords attempt to get laid in the same overpriced studio flats they rent out to their poverty-stricken tenants.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

If you are afraid of eating GMOs, you have obviously never read a superhero origin story.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

SHOCKER: Paul McCartney joins Nirvana. BIGGER SHOCKER: Courtney Love still hasn't joined John Lennon/George Harrison.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

I just fucked up instant oatmeal like some kind of husband in a commercial.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Decided I wouldn't use my laptop for the next 4 days because I don't want to spend 30 seconds taking it out of my bag at the airport.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

If you put reindeer antlers on your car I hope Ted Nugent shoots it.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

I just called. To say. I texted you.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Paul McCartney is teaming up with Nirvana to play all the hits, like "This Is Too Loud" and "Not So Fast Guys" and "I Regret This Idea"

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Had a moment of slight panic that I missed 12:12 PST on 12/12/12 followed by a huge panic attack that I have no life

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

It makes sense the pope knew about his Twitter account for a while, yet only now is he finally ready to come forward and say something.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Next time, I'm fillin up my socks with rat poison before I pass out, serves those fuckers right.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Is that a banana in your shirt pocket or are you just the guy with a chest-dick?

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

I've been having sex with the water cooler at work so no one has anywhere to gossip about it.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

It's not the people we miss, it's the moments.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

anyone wants to make a 100 $ bet? i bet the world doesn't end Dec 21. if i'm wrong i'll pay you the next day.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Please, I'm not dumb because I'm blond. I'm dumb cause I spent highschool smoking in the park & got knocked up before I went to university.

SexyAssMachine Profile Picture

BuiltLIKEaMACHINE @SexyAssMachine

13 years ago

Time travel does exist. It's called music.

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