Useless Life Tips @UselessLifeTips
Tips to help you with your everyday life Joined June 2012-
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Can't fall asleep at night? Try asphyxiating yourself. It works wonders!
Want to insure that you're going to most definitely get laid? Become a necrophiliac!
@Kail_Duche No, you weren't. Some guys are just dickfaces. You mean a lot. Have an awesome day!
@Chuck_Chuckeroo really Chuck? Anything? If they asked you to cut your penis off and feed it to a polar bear would you do it?
If you're a big huge Twilight fan and can't wait for Breaking Dawn pt 2, then kill yourself.
@McDonalds Then why is it that every time I eat a Mcdouble, it always comes out the other end in a brownish/yellowish type of liquid goo??
If you can't quit smoking then KEEP smoking. That way you'll die of lung cancer and you'll never have to worry about having to quit.
If you find yourself in an awkward situation with a girl and you don't know what to say, just squeeze her boobs and run away.
Don't ever be ashamed of your penis. If it's small and people laugh, so what? If it's gargantuan and girls scream and run away, no big deal!
Need tips on how to get girls? Well, I have none, and even if I did they probably wouldn't work because you're ugly. Just give up hope man.
Your boyfriend broke up with you? Instead of tweeting Gotye lyrics and subliminal jabs at them, just shut the fuck up and get over it.
If you think tweeting about your problems is going to solve them, you're wrong. Get off your phone, and do something about that shit!
If you're ever tempted to get McDonald's, don't. Chances are you'll be pissing out of your ass a few hours later.
Don't ever fuck with big scary muscular black guys...and that's it. Just don't do it.
If you're ever pooping in a public restroom and someone walks in, just start shouting jibberish. That way they can't hear your poop splash.
Guys: If you ever get a boner in a public place, don't panic! Just flex your thigh muscles for a bit and your dick will be limp in no time!
If you ever want to get out of doing something, e.g work or an event of some sort, just say you have diarrhea. Nobody questions diarrhea.
Don't stand still on escalators! Quit being a lazy asshole and walk up that shit! They're made so you can go up faster than regular stairs.
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