The Day Today @_TheDayToday_

The Headlines Tonight: Portillo's teeth removed from pound by Starmer. Musk's 5th hair transplant met with disastrous creeping chair neck unpleasantness. Wrexham MP dead after swollen council house accident. And "Has anyone seen my keys?" from man made of bricks.

BREAKING NEWS SHE’S BACK

Oh no Blobby has escaped He is coming God help us all Please BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOB BLOB

BREAKING UPDATE Mr Blobby has been nicked for indecent exposure and hosting raunchy house parties at Noel Edmund’s house Blobby blobby blob blob

Breaking news Mr Blobby has wardrobe malfunction More at 10!!!

The Day Today, Mr. News has entered the building!

The headlines yesterday! Giant watermelon wins Mozambique majority... Cat diarrhoeas through Member of Parliament's sunroof... And "it was a nightmare" recounts victim of utterly pointless shenanigans... Those are the headlines, my tummy hurts so much...

The headlines tonight! Local bloke spends 24 hours on the loo... "Threats were made to our sovereignty" announces leader of sewer rats... Twitter shares news on gigantic dying heart... And "the mortars are coming" says burning baby... Those are the headlines, eat my news...

#BreakingNews The headlines tonight! War waged against elephant onslaught... Women battle over cloud... World Cup ends after political chew toy passes gas... And "the headlines this week all begin with the letter W" says fiddle... Those are the headlines, I think?

#BreakingNews Tonight's newsy news! "The end is nigh" roars enraged embryo... Person makes sandwich, lives to tell the tale... Russian rouble eaten whole... And Czech Republic bans stupid green cars... Those are the headlines, now tell me... what is love?

#BreakingNews Today's headlines! Drunk tiger paints the planet brown... "I don't know what to do" admits victim road sign... Number 2 is forgotten... And Eiffel Tower leaves Paris for good... Those are the headlines, I bet the planet will remain a shit stain forever...

#BreakingNews Today's important deets! Cannibal slug dies in York... British Army denies offensive against six year old child... AIDS ridden chicken injected with mayo... And Joe Biden assaulted by stairwell... Those are the headlines, it's going to rain tomorrow...

#BreakingNews Here's today's deets! Bosnian delegate sacrificed to turkey to boost pound... Tinfoil hat wearing man spotted in Tel Aviv fires... And Essex couple held in trial for crimes against the bush community... Those are the headlines, I can't stop sneezing...

MORE NEWS AT 10? NO! MORE NEWS NOW!!!! WE ARE BACK!