Maria :-) @_titall
🌿 Joined March 2013-
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Maria :-) retweeted
Every single time someone says “this shouldn’t be in a kid’s movie” I am always going to point directly at some of these examples
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Maria :-) retweeted
in a c section today the dad made a joke about us giving his wife a ‘husband stitch’ and the surgeon goes “we don’t do that here, but i can recommend you for a penis enlargement consultation if you’re that concerned about wanting to satisfy your wife at your current size”💀
Maria :-) retweeted
*at a job interview* “Can you perform under pressure?” Me: “I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothing.”
Maria :-) retweeted
Just met a “retired a long time ago” reading teacher. I asked for her best tip for encouraging kids to read. “Well,” she says, “I had a big, burly guy carry a claw foot bathtub into my classroom and declared it the Reading Tub. After that, kids fought to climb in & read.” 🛁 📚
Maria :-) retweeted
not to brag, but mine was free
Maria :-) retweeted
Received this at my grandmas funeral. What an icon.
Maria :-) retweeted
I wonder what liquor she drank cause wtf😭😭
Maria :-) retweeted
the “devil’s lettuce” is coleslaw not weed
Maria :-) retweeted
it can be sooo healing to waste $7 per day on special treats
Maria :-) retweeted
Pray to have a partner who always has a soft heart for you.
Maria :-) retweeted
ur honor can i hit my pen really quick
Maria :-) retweeted
i wanna😴in a🍄
Maria :-) retweeted
My wife just said "if you hate everyone, you should eat something, and if you think everyone hates you, you should go to sleep" and I don't think I've heard a better life hack
Maria :-) retweeted
dog owners: their name is buddy cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Maria :-) retweeted
An honest question: Why would Satan burn you in hell for disobeying a God he also disobeyed?
Maria :-) retweeted
yeah sex is cool but have you ever cleaned your apartment because you think you're going to have sex with someone but you go home alone and have a clean apartment and moisturised legs
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