Brian Lum @brianklum

Joined October 2009

Tweets

133
Followers

25
Following

35
Likes

91

Brian Lum @brianklum

a year ago

Am I the only one who doesn’t get these visual credit card prompts about which way to insert and just tries to spam both ways until it works? 🧠

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Brian Lum @brianklum

2 years ago

Jojo asked me to spell ICUP. The circle of life continues

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Brian Lum @brianklum

2 years ago

**jojo farts in my face while I’m lying down on the floor Me: ahhhh Jojo what are you doing??? You farted on your own dad! Jojo: It’s my birthday I get to do whatever I want!

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Brian Lum @brianklum

2 years ago

Jojo: I have a new song for you! Me: I can’t wait! Jojo: 🎵 thank you thank you penis butt 🎵

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Hell is a place where your kids have spilled sticky stuff on the hardwood floors and you’ve cleaned it many times but your feet still feel just a little bit sticky when you walk over it no matter how many times you keep cleaning it.

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Brian Lum @brianklum

5 years ago

Today I saw a man walking in my neighborhood with a gas mask. I had to do a double take.

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Brian Lum @brianklum

5 years ago

Awwww jojo’s first diss 🥰 “I fart on daddy every day and in his mouth and he eats fart food” 🥰

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Brian Lum @brianklum

5 years ago

I just signed a petition to stand with Breonna Taylor. You should too: go.theactionpac.com/sign/stand-wit…

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Brian Lum @brianklum

5 years ago

Just saw an asian old man with coral pants and navy sweater furiously windmilling his arms and walking slowly. Dat azn stretch- dad goals

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Daddy, what would happen if evewwyone in da whooole wowwd fawted at da same time? - Joshua, age 5. My son the little scientist. I told him the earth would fly off its orbit and plunge into the center of the sun.

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

And nobody was around to see my sort of generous gesture. JUST LIKE NOBODY WAS AROUND TO HEAR MY BEE JOKE FUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Went to Popeyes for a chicken sandwich for my lunch break. Long line. Paid and waited. Waited in line longer than my 30min allotted lunch. Angry disgruntled customer started yelling at the (obviously short, overworked) staff. I had to go back to work so I gave the guy my receipt

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Like a hero, I captured a wild raging bee stuck in the office using a cup and paper. I went outside and freed the bee and exclaimed “bee free!!!!” but nobody was around to hear it. 😭

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Part II: I farted on Joshua’s favorite stuffed animal and he cried. BEST DAD AWARD 🏆

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Joshua asked me to squat down, so I did, then he farted in my face.

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Everyone I tell says I’m lucky to have one of each, a boy and a girl. No idea why. Two boys would have been a more financially superior option for sharing toys and clothes. #chinesedadlife

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

Thedad gets me.

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Brian Lum @brianklum

6 years ago

The velocity of me turning around generated enough breeze to gently push my paper toilet seat cover into the toilet right as I sat down so my naked ass touched the seat. It felt like oppression. It felt like diseases.