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Things Eric whispers in my ear at bars: "I'm really trying to push this fart out" that's lovely boo...
Mondays are the worst.
Is it bad I want to shave my legs in the airport sink?
House officially sold! Best day ever!
Flights with screaming children remind me why I don't want kids. #itsaredeye #whyarenttheysleeping...
Why are you naked? Because I enjoy the freedom and I'm off the clock. Suck on that society! #trafficlight
Good morning rush hour, I have not missed you.
It's time for a new adventure.
"I've made out with girls in my spare time." #thingsioverhearatbars
This girl needs a job. Any suggestions?
Get out of my house you game night assassin.
What's a margarita? It's like a snow cone of bad decisions.
Was I the only person rooting for Oregon tonight?
Fuck this. Came back to a 48 degree house and can't get the furnace to start. I'll be in a hotel tomorrow night.
How much does a hipster weigh? ... An INSTAGRAM #funny #jokeoftheday
This summer I'm going to cut my hair like Mike Tyson. #shitsheltonssay
How long do you think it's going to take us to have kids?! #shitsydneysays
Wait! I didn't pack a juicebox! #shitsydneysays