Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69
Just a guy who drinks enough beer to kill a family of 4 on the daily Joined May 2016-
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Followers64
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Following867
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Went to Chuck-E-Cheese and some kid stole my flask, so I chased him down and round housed him off the top of the play pen #donttreadonme
I had a meeting with my boss and he offered me a glass of scotch, but I choke slammed him and sucked down the whole bottle
I guess my wife's Facebook wasn't the best platform to try and find a slam piece for the night
The elementary school teacher told me shotgunning beers didn't require a real shotgun, but that won't bring back those 15 kids
My wife hates that I drink, and I hate my wife, so we're even
My kids wanted a puppy as a birthday gift, but this dead alley cat didn't cost me a dime
I was dreading my daughters recital all week, but after sucking down a second bottle of Jack it wasn't so bad
My sister asked me to babysit her newborn and he ended up in the hospital. Not my fault he's a lightweight
Got pulled over drinking a 40. Told my son to hop in the drivers seat but that pussy wouldn't do it because he's "only 11"
Got desperate and kidnapped the neighbors kid for ransom. Got 50 bucks so that should keep me drunk for the next 18 hours
Went to career day today. Apparently daycares don't like it when you offer Smirnoff to the kids to "liven the mood"
My kids keep asking what a "booze cruise" is, but I just tell them to blow in the ignition and not tell mommy
The in-laws got mad when I shotgunned a beer in honor of their dead son. Haters gonna hate
Nothing kills a buzz more than police lights in the rearview
Driving drunk is so much harder when you kids won't stop crying in the back seat
Enjoying life is more important than material items, that's why I pawned my dads gold watch for a 30 rack
Was gonna flip a coin to choose between beer and liquor, but I spent my change on nippers so I'll just drink both
I may have been on the wrong side of the road, but that toddler had it coming for J-walking
Woke up drunk but had no booze, so I drank my piss to keep things rolling
Was working on the pool today but ran outa booze, so I drank the chlorine water to keep the buzz
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