Matt Usey @mattusey

Christian, father of daughters, sftwr engr, writer. Last name as in "oh say can..." Insta: matthewusey. Currently closed to rejections (literary or otherwise) amazon.com/Matt-Usey/e/B0… the great state of Texas Joined July 2008

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Matt Usey @mattusey

2 days ago

I've reached the stage in my life where I've never even heard of the Superbowl headliner. My "I don't care" stage started decades ago.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

6 days ago

In other words, Explosive Diarrhea Shampoo.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

2 months ago

Samsung appliance automated phone support: "Since you've already gotten a ticket number, you can skip the line! Your wait time: 2 hours, 49 minutes."

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Matt Usey @mattusey

2 months ago

According to emails in my spam folder, I'm quite popular with unknown local ladies of questionable moral standards, I've got a lot of unpaid bills, I've ordered and been approved for many services, and medical technology for the adult male has "advanced" by a significant portion.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

3 months ago

My doc prescribed me a 5-day steroid pack so don't be alarmed when I get all ripped

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Matt Usey @mattusey

3 months ago

I know this plastic sticker is eco-friendly because it says so right there on the plastic sticker

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Matt Usey @mattusey

3 months ago

The extremely dangerous but elusive Decapitator Frog has one weakness: an uncontrollable urge to photobomb at the scene of the crime.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

4 months ago

My wife's calendar just sent me a reminder about an appointment that she's headed to. I didn't have my reading glasses, so I absent-mindedly hit OK but before it disappeared, I saw that it was for Massage Party. I'm really hoping that her masseuse is named Patty.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

4 months ago

From that top bumper sticker, I'd guess this van has been around for a while.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

4 months ago

I saw a truck today with a sign saying, "We heal sick trees." Because the truck was towing a giant chipper-shredder, I'm guessing they're not batting a thousand.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

5 months ago

To address future toilet paper shortages, JD Vance announces one of the US's latest achievements, "Big Ass TP rolls."

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Matt Usey @mattusey

5 months ago

I hate to admit it, but after all this time, I still don't know how to Dougie. No one ever taught me.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

6 months ago

Today is my lucky day! Louis is about to show me the money!

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Matt Usey @mattusey

6 months ago

Touring a glowworm cave is like walking into a dark room that has glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceiling, except you have a guide and you pay a lot of money.

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Matt Usey @mattusey

7 months ago

Every time I saw stories of those astronauts stuck in orbit, the "3 hour tour... a 3 hour tour" Gilligan intro ran through my head. Why is that still in my brain taking up valuable space?