Carter Evren 🦊 @melodicBooknerd

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

a year ago

Go directly to hell, do not collect $200

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

a year ago

Guy who is rocking back and forth in a padded room whispering "this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife, where is that large automobile?" over and over again

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

"what do you mean you're a Wesbian?" "Well I'm a woman, I like women, and I refuse to self identify with L's. Only Dubs in this house."

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

She wears short skirts I wear sneeploonts She's cheer captain And I am a C̶͈̐r̸̜̀é̷̠â̴͙c̶̳̉h̵͇̏ȕ̵̻r̶̞̋ȇ̷̪

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"feel free to test out any instrument in the store, except the xylophone looking one in the corner. You can only play that if you're going to rant about guns." "You have a glockenspiel just for glocking spiels??" "Yup"

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

"Bachelor number 1, what is your ideal first date?" "I'd say probably January First" *EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER*

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Monopoly chance card: "She took the kids, pay 500 for child support."

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Gritty @GrittyNHL

2 years ago

plz, call me dad

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Really need OSHA around here, the oompa loompas can barely hear after the incident. Deaf by chocolate, you hate to see it.

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Party rock? In MY house?? TONIGHT??? It's more likely than I think???? Oh God. Oh fuck.

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Vincent Martella @vince_martella

2 years ago

hanging out and being short. the usual.

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Me: (time to amp up the crowd) GIMME AN A!!! The Abyss: (grumbles quietly) Me: I SAID GIMME AN A!!! The Abyss: (Releases the screams of the Damned) Me: YEAHHHHH

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

A man is recruiting people for a dangerous mission. One person refuses as he thinks its a suicide mission. He says he'll do it if the man makes a beautiful girl appear for him. Suddenly his dream girl appears in a puff of smoke. He says: "well, you summona bitch, I'm in."

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Begin scene, interior, police station Officer is interviewing woman about recent crime Officer: "so you're telling me that your husband put the lime in the coconut and then he got shot?" Other cops begin instinctively singing along, the widow cries Fade to black End scene

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Undersea lawyer, scene 1, take 1 "Okay now I need you to look directly into the camera and say 'it shrimply can't be done'" ACTION

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

You're telling me a world warred this two??

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

"Doctor doctor, give me the news!" "Ÿ̸͔͔́̋̈́o̵̳͂ǔ̴͕ͅ'̴̖̞́̇v̷̮͙͍̂e̶̮̔̅́ b̸͕̾è̶̘̻̅̂e̷͍̰͚̋ņ̸̏̈́͠ s̵̡͊̇č̴̜̠r̴̰̋̓͜u̶̦͆̎m̷͙͆b̷͉͝l̶̩̺̄e̸̻̹̔̽d̸̨̦̘̃̒"

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Sir Shmeef @sirshmeef

2 years ago

Johnny, ready up your bey and let it rip real hard 'Cause Hell's broke loose in Georgia, and the devil deals the cards And if you win, you get this shiny Beyblade made of gold But if you lose, the devil gets your soulllllll *Metal crashing noises*