Malcolm Cat @MalcTheCat
Surname's Cat. Also a Cat. What are the ruddy odds? Location? Nosey. Joined February 2012-
Tweets225
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Followers81
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Following108
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Likes0
Just licked a *scotch bonnet, now doing river dance in the airing cupboard. *Glasgow Gary's penile slit.
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Tucked the ol' knob between my legs and dancing in front of the mirror like that silent lamb film. Wood Pigeon giving me right dirty looks.
Been a right nutty sod today, offered the blind posty a choccy right, it was only A FUCKING COFFEE REVEL! What a hoot. What a bloody hoot.
Sometimes I like to shout at the top of my voice 'DADDY DIDN'T LOVE ME!' into an old owls vagina. The owl just laughs and eats it's quavers.
Like the Olympics? 8 overweight felines doing backstroke in a flooded garden whilst the fox judge eats his own shit. Next Tuesday 2.35pm.
One thing I've learnt today, never share a dib-dab with a depressed turtle. Talk about hog the sherbet. Not my fault you have piles.
Failed in my audition to be the unofficial paralympic mascot. I shit myself and was escorted out the building by two fuck off geese.
Threw a teabag at a nonchalant crow and then hid behind a stump. That'll learn him.
Bought a months supply of radishes from an illusionist. Going to sell them on to a candlestick maker for twice the price. Couple of pricks.
Threw some discarded oat so simple (original flavour) at a trainee estate agent earlier.
Have a real good look and some of the nutcases today. Clive the 108 year old woman with ears like yoda who selloptapes spatulas to his shins
His legs are odd too, hard to explain. The colour of an expired pepperami and look sad like they will just cease to exist any moment.
A kid has moved in down the road and I swear his bonce mainly consists of a 1.2kg bag of King Edwards.
Sold fuck all at yesterdays car boot sale apart from that life size model of Noel Edmonds. Its made from bile and tramps eyebrows.
Jeffrey Fiddler has only grown one pumpkin down his allotment this year. Shocking. His own fault, too busy 69ing partridges in his shed.
Got a letter of complaint from a snail yesterday. Resolved the issue by luzzing him in a skip. Fair outcome.
A badger just gave me a pint of chocolate nesquik. Turns out it was just shitty bleach. His heart was in the right place.
A mosquito just told me to smell his fingers. I didn't understand so duely complied. They smelt like a burnt roll mop. Weird.
Sorry I've been away so long. Been stuck in rapists garage with nothing but a durex full of minstrels.
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