Secret Mitt Romney @SecretMitRomney
I'm political candidate Mitt Romney and this is my super-secret Twitter, where I can say anything I want and you can't use it against me. I'm a parody of a man. thesecretloveofmittandrick.weebly.com Joined August 2012-
Tweets772
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Followers1K
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Following944
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Likes1K
"Hey, Mitt," my advisor said. "We know you're dead & rotting & all. But...you could still run--& you don't smell THAT much worse than Cruz."
Deep underground, already halfway-decomposed in a secret grave, I tremble. Something electric flickers inside me. "2016," it says. "2016."
Mitt Romney. 1947-2012. —Ann
ANN! NO! NO! SOMEONE! QUICK! GET TO THE ABANDONED SLAUGHTERHOUSE NEAR...SHE'S GOT...ROPE AROUND MY...BLEEDING SO MUCH SO MUCH BLOOD SO MUCH
I...actually...no..that's...all..just the...bloodloss...talking! I don't want..I didn't deserve...this! I SHOULD BE PRESIDENT! Ann! No! No!
I concede that if I am growing faint from the blood pouring out of where my legs and left arm used to be. I concede that I am dying.
I concede that love is real, and happiness may still be possible, but it's not for me, because I looked for both in all the wrong places.
I concede that I don't want to be dying. But that it's probably right that I am. This is what I deserve, for all I've done. It is. It is.
I concede that my ideas of targeting the poor, women, and my fellow gays were wrong. Everyone's suffering, and I wanted them to suffer more.
I concede that if I had it all to do over again, I'd do it differently. I'd be open about my gayness. That's the main thing. So many lies.
I had a chance at love, a real chance, with Rick (Rick Santorum), but I threw it all away for power. Now, bleeding away, I feel that choice.
I concede that there's only one thing that makes life's hardness bearable, and I concede that it's not money, it's love. I've been so wrong.
I concede that life is hard. A battle even for the most privileged of us. And I concede that I've hoped to make it even harder, for many.
Well, I guess this it. I lost the race, and Ann finally got to me. I'm bleeding badly. I'll be dead soon. I suppose it's time to concede.
And Virginia—thanks for the thumb in my already literally bleeding eye. First Ann starts to murder me—and now I have to hear what YOU think.
Oh great, thanks, Montana, a little goshdarn late! Now that I've lost the Presidency, and all my money, and am being murdered!
Ann just told me that she's arranged for a clone of mine to give my concession speech. She says no one will ever find my body, ever. #scared
Oh, no, Ann cut of both my legs! And my left arm! And now she's wrapping a noose around my neck and hoisting me toward the ceiling!
All my money's gone due to identity theft. Well, at least I also lost badly. And now Ann's here! With a meat cleaver! She's cut off my legs!
Oh, that's weird. My accountant just called and said some guy in New Mexico stole my identity and spent all my money and now I'm poor. Oh.
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