Stonecoldclamausbert @_CLAM_
💈✂️ Joined July 2012-
Tweets5K
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Followers182
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Following270
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Likes6K
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
How to break the news to someone that their tattoo is the worst tattoo you've ever seen: "That tattoo is the worst tattoo I've ever seen."
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It is fair to say that I have the ultimate unwavering dad bod
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
Wanna hear a joke? My sleep schedule
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
When someone offers me food
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
[handing out my business card] GUY: oh you're a realt- ME: (notices pretty girl) why yes, I AM the CEO of the national big penis association
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
FRIEND: having a b'day party for my son ME: cool i'll go FRIEND: only if you promise not to dunk on kids again ME: [fingers crossed] promise
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
[watching movie] ME: this is ghostbusters HER: ok ME: those are ghosts HER: I know ME: *whispers* they're gonna get busted soon
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
RIP Chuck Berry. Ty for the sex tape where you farted on a hooker's face & those times you filmed women shitting without their consent.
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
Less than 4 days left until the 🐐 returns
Less than 4 days left until the 🐐 returns
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
Not to brag, but last night I did some over-the-pants stuff** (spilled marinara sauce on my dang pants)
Any girl who owns a doodle is instantly unattractive to me
Stonecoldclamausbert retweeted
[watching fight between a slice of bread & a man] MAN: cmon BREAD: *cracks knuckles* let's do this ME: wtf that bread dont even got no hands
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