upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

My time away from public restrooms has made me forget that sometimes the person next to you will literally sound like a cat batting at the toilet paper dispenser for seemingly forever just for funsies

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ric semper moranis @RicMoranis

4 years ago

wonder if they let them keep their shoes on going through security

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

4 years ago

My entire adult life trying to find talk therapy when I need it is this Oregon Trail moment but instead of "Flooded Trail" it's "we currently do not have any clinicians accepting new clients at this time."

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

4 years ago

If I could change one extremely trivial thing about the world it would be to get rid of those tv things at gas stations.

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

4 years ago

If my cat can remember that "water, bad" except for drinking, he can remember that claws are not meant for the couch, right? ...Right??? The couch is screaming and only I can hear it.

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

4 years ago

What about, no, hear me out, what about healthy mountain dew with pulp.

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The Onion @TheOnion

4 years ago

Girlfriend’s Back Too Knotted And Gnarled For Massage To Turn Sexy bit.ly/3tiAWpy

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

4 years ago

You can blame my distracted driving on some enormous truck nuts every time.

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

4 years ago

Quick shout out to everyone experiencing high call volume and extended wait times.

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

5 years ago

why does every tesla I see irl look like a dog that was stung by a bee

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

5 years ago

I'm sorry I can't be her..

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

5 years ago

something something "Mark Wahlberg's morning routine" something something punchline "well have you tried PMS induced insomnia???"

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

5 years ago

Considering buying a big stone labrador with a basket of petunias in it's mouth and converting my midlife crisis into a midwest lake life crisis.

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the moon’s wife @bookishseawitch

5 years ago

“are you a boy or a girl” I’m butter scraped over too much bread

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upto&includingdeath @_aalbertson

5 years ago

New dream job: be the guy at the zoo hired to move the cameras whenever the animals go out of frame on the live zoo feed. If this is automated, do not tell me. I don't want to know.