_kill_list @_kill_list
all the kills in the Holy Bible, remixed by @tejucole Joined April 2014-
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Kids trolling Elisha. "LMAO. Is that a combover?" "LOLOL. Hair fairy mad at you?" Elisha summons bears, which kill forty two of the kids.
A pensioner, Elijah, has gone missing outside Jericho. His assistant says he simply "vanished." Authorities have not ruled out foul play.
King Ahazia fell down and hurt himself. The king summoned Elijah. Elijah came to the king with news: the king will die. The king died.
Fifty-one men came for Elijah. He killed them with fire. Another fifty-one. Killed too. The third group of fifty-one came begging. Spared.
A man's Death always finds the right address. King Ahab fought in disguise, but an arrow entered deep between his armor plates.
Naboth had a nice vineyard which King Ahab wanted. And so Queen Jezebel [now that was the sin that did Jezebel in] had the man killed.
Prophet: Wound me. First man: No. Prophet: I curse you. [Lion kills first man.] Prophet: Wound me. Second man: Whatever. [Wounds him.]
Syria attacked Israel and lost. So many died at Aphek that day, a hundred and twenty seven thousand. You could see the corpses from space.
Disorganized command. Alcoholic king. This is the sorrow and pity of war, those long-ago Syrian boys led to premature deaths by Ben-hadad.
Excited about Elijah's win in Israel's Next Top Prophet, the audience killed the four hundred and fifty losing contestants.
Endtroducing: Prophet Elijah aka DJ TRICKY HOUSEGUEST (Jehovah kills a widow's son. Elijah resurrects him. No reason.)
King Tibni. No, King Omri. No, King Tibni. [Dust above a plain. Armor like tinfoil. Spears plentiful as grass.] ALL HAIL KING OMRI
Long-lived King Zimri died in his sleep. Kidding. Besieged after reigning for a week, he locked himself in the palace and burned it down.
In its hot hurry, the wildfire knows the names of no leaves. King Zimri reigned for seven days, he killed every member of Baasha's family.
King Elah drinks alone at the palace. His Captain Zimri approaches. —Zhimri? —Your majesty. —Whushdat? —A knife. —Whuhfor? Whuhfor? Whuh...
King Baasha! —meticulous as a circuit board assembler tracks every member of Jeroboam's family down and extracts them all from this life.
King Nadab died young. Baasha stabbed him. Where is this king's memorial? What did he look like? Whom did he love? n o b o d y c a r e s
Oh Lord my God, even if I had not done anything good before Thee, do Thou help me, in Thy grace, to make a good beginning.
Ben-hadad (a Syrian) set his GPS for an Ijon to Dan to Abel-beth-maacah to Chinneroth to Naphtali tour. At every stop a massacre.
Jeroboam's son is sick. He asks Prophet Ahijah: —Will my boy die? —Your whole family will die. You're shit, and God is the pooper scooper.
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