Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

Sometimes funny. Usually tired. Always hungry. Los Angeles, CA Joined April 2011

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

5 years ago

“Through the years, we all will be together - if the states allow”: The impact of pandemic control measures on traditional social gatherings during the American holiday season. In this essay I will

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

I’ve been practicing social distancing for years and no one ever thanked ME for it.

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“I’m still working on that assignment”: - Boring - Nothing to show for your work so far - Sounds like you’re behind “I’m working on this in real time”: - Sounds tech-forward - Why would you not want something done in real-time? - Implies you can freeze time in other situations

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Excited to hear the President’s take on how California’s raging wildfires are a result of our ban on plastic grocery bags.

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Brb taking “Austere Scholar” out of my CV heading

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Does listening to the sax solo at the end of Use This Gospel count as having gone to church today

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

If you didn't want to spend an hour trying to ignore the smell of my leftover pesto pasta you wouldn't have put "lunch 'n learn" in the meeting title.

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

[at intellectually stimulating conference] "I'm learning some intricate and sophisticated market research techniques I can use back at work." [back at work] "We wanna know how which Kardashian our customers think of us as, can u help with that."

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

I accidentally close the Uber app during my Uber ride. The driver immediately pulls over, his eyes having turned red. "Ride terminated," he says in a robotic voice. "Please exit the vehicle now."

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

My special skills include deleting old to-do lists on my phone because, if I'm still alive, whatever was on it couldn't have been that important

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

What's that activity where you pay a lot of money to get dropped in a confusing location and have one hour to frantically find your wait out? Oh yeah, connecting flights. Love connecting flights.

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Tips for a truly spooky October, volume 2: Set push notifications for President Trump's tweets, and give them the same ringtone as your crush that you've been texting.

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Tips for a truly spooky October, volume 1: Have a friend turn off one of your auto-bill-pays without telling you which one. Cower in uncertainty about whether you're losing Spotify for a month or getting evicted.

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

I really appreciate the president's tweets about the impeachment inquiry being "the worst witch Hunt in our country's history", as compared with, for instance, the real witch hunt in Salem from whence we get the expression

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Every article, ever: "It's a bad idea to look at your phone right before going to bed." Me, being so fake: "So true, gotta have healthy technology boundaries." Me being me: "Time to set my phone alarm and also read about everything that happened today everywhere to all people."

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

Daniel Patrick Moynihan once said "You are entitled to your own opinion, but you are not entitled to you own fax" and that's why so few people have fax machines anymore

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

"I have died everyone day waiting for you....to please stop" I whisper to the coworker who's been playing A Thousand Years on loop in the office all week

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

*Trump, constantly: "Democrats are trying to UNDO the election which is a disgrace." *Our founfers, 240 years ago, writing the Constitution* "When people misbehave we should let politicians occasionally undo elections."

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Matt Baucum @asterisk_matt

6 years ago

[volunteering at foster care court] Judge: "Good morning, everyone." Me: "I plead guilty, your honor..." Judge: "That's not....Matt plz don't..." Me: "....to running a SHELL corporation!" Bailiff: "BRING OUT THE DANCING LOBSTERS" Judge: "EVERY TIME MATT"