Potato Cakes @cakes_potato
George Washington Carver but with potatoes Joined November 2013-
Tweets87
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Followers48
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Following321
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Likes119
bartender "ok i just need to see an ID" Charmander *nervously hands over fake*
*spider solemnly puts down phone* "Honey. It's time. There's a guy in Ohio only eaten 6 of us this year. T...tell the kids I love them"
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
First rule of fight club is brad and chad are bros and Michael Cera is awkward.... Iz I gewd at twittre yet?
If you give a mouse a cookie he's gonna want a glass of milk. If you give a mouse a glass of milk you should rethink how you spend your time
"Maybe the ones who let the dogs out have been under our nose all along..." *Law & Order clink-clink sound* [Baha Men residence]
I'm going to wait a couple more hours and then text my siblings, "Don't forget to call mom"
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
"Bitch swerve!" I yell to my dog as she chases after a car in the street.
"Don't move an inch or this thing could blow, and we're gonna have quite the mess."- bombers and automatic toilets
"It's a Wonderful Life" was originally titled "White Man Can't Jump"
Santa Claus is coming to town with his 8 METAL PAIN-DEER is something I say to my kids before I throw the horns and start drinking on Xmas.
The weirdest thing about me is I label everything based on how edible it is. *casually puts a sticky note on you that reads "very."*
"One of you will betray me tonight." "Surely it is not I, Jesus?" *in a mocking voice* "SURELY IT IS NOT I- SHUT UP, JUDAS." - the Bible
I've never eaten a McRib, but I've had diarrhea so I get the point.
you mean to tell me this is only 2% milk? *vomits* wtf is the other 98%
"The penis is mightier than the sword. Yeah nice. Totally gonna work. Tonight's the night." *puts three year old condom in pocket
I feel like I'm missing out on some hilarious camel jokes because I can't read Arabic.
Everyday is Christmas Eve, if you add enough 'Eve's' to the end.
*cops yell at robber* "STOP! DISARM YOURSELF!" *robber removes his arms* "How'd he do that?" *pulls rabbit out of hat* "Wow, he's good"
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kinda funny but no @itsmcmaybe
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Michael⛅ @HowMichael
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Joey Aucoin @Joeyaucoin
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unforgetable luncheon... @Glennfinito
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'zerd @deathtoscumbags
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Venus Lewis @VenusLewis
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Tired Tumbleweed @SlipCarefully
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RightW Nut @right_wingnut
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40 Followers 151 Following Don't care about politics. Don't care about religion. Don't care about your pronouns. Don't care about your opinions. You still have the right to be yourself.
Adam @buffalocorndogs
93 Followers 542 Following he/him/his; jokes for my own benefit; opinions are my own; sometimes have Star Wars and wrestling takes. @theheathyorker
Stephen Cooper @stecoopz
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Alex Dickel @kadickel
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Josh Frankel @joshtheboss42
60 Followers 737 Following Three things are of the utmost importance: wisdom, courage, and friendship.
theMatMarcotte @MatMarcotte12
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Donald Trump’s Toup... @itspat78
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luke [from online] @internetluke
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Katy @13Wardzala
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chreees 🍁 @big_labor
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