cal Jansen @caljansen
Bad comedian, sloppy lover. My hobbies include sitting there, and nothing much. It's a damn fine day when I get to do both. Joined April 2015-
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Followers492
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Following431
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Likes505
Can't help but notice these cats never pet me back.
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I'm not the most careful guy, but i would never take unnecessary risks just for a biscuit.
@JoshOatmeal @AndrewRudick @crohnbone69 @IainMcdavid @Williamthefour My set that night makes me wonder if i have dementia
@BigRadMachine I finished your last drink, so i deserve at least 300 of these likes
@kalashnikovkat Is that before or after you lie to them and post proof on Twitter?
My last 5 exes have all had the same complaint about me. In my defense my last 5 exes have all been the same person.
Is the whole "watched pot" theory the same with tweets?
It's obvious that USA has more caronavirus cases because caronavirus hates our freedom. #waronvirus
In line at BMV and my "customer number" is 187. Did i win the topical lottery?
Our political parties are just like normal parties. I wanted nothing to do with them after 22.
As if we weren't mad enough at cops, now we're all getting pepto ads in the feed!
What's these cops secret that diarrhea warrants concern? Or have i been getting poisoned 3 times a week for most of my adult life?
Do people pressure their kids to be doctors because it's prestigious, or because they want a free doctor?
@GlowySweetFab @JokelahomaMic It's nothing compared to my urge to build a deck. Omg
Im surprised i haven't had children based on the women that date me. Their preferred method of birth control is the power of positive thought. "If i believe i won't have a child, then i won't" Cool, can i use the same logic if we do?
I had braces, i wear glasses, and have personality disorders. The only people who want me to have kids are medical professionals.
I say "i don't want kids" as if the option was on the table. No one is exactly clamoring for my sperm.
cal Jansen retweeted
*most disgusting, nasty, vile pile of filth ever* Flies: oh hell ya
We used to use a fake cough to say words secretly, but now it'll draw WAY more attention.
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