Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

i went to burger king on my lunch break & the cashier turned my drink upside down & spilled it everywhere & she said “oh fuck my bad i used to work at dairy queen“ & im still laughing about it lmao

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

dog: [gets stuck] “woof” me: “what’re you doing step dog??”

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

blocked, slut.

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Sarco @sarcophagasm

6 years ago

me: i'm not one of those double faced friends am I ? friend: i think you mean two faced me: oh right, thanks smart friend *leaning over to other friend* this stupid idiot thinks its called two faced

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

so apparently chili’s has a dress code??

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

hey so hypothetically, IF I had a premium snapchat, how much would you pay for it?

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

my mom told me I was emotional.. so I hit her

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

me: [kisses forehead] “I can’t wait to see what our relationship develops into” english professor: me: prof: “what the fuck dude”

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

people should have to get a temporary teardrop tattoo for the rest of the month once you lose no nut november so everybody knows

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

dominos: “would you like our super bowl special?” clark kent: {nervously} “hahha no thank you just the regular bowl of pizza for me” {louder} “for a regular guy”

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

[pounds table] “BRING ME THE GOBLET OF MY ENEMIES BLOOD” server: “sir this is olive garden”

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

do you ever want a nap but the nap doesn’t want you back?

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Douglas Bubbletrousers @easymacplug

6 years ago

*at job interview employer: “What do you do when things get slow?” me: “when I finish my work, I often find myself thinking of the 3 Os. Organize, optimize, and orgasm.” employer: “...i’m sorry wha” me: “wait what was the question?”