Andrew Gruner @gruner

I'm so glad I learned cursive as a child. Now I can spend my evenings reading the original historical documents of our Founding Fathers, as we all do.

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"Yes, it's absolutely imperative that you get them to stop jumping on the bed. But Ma'am, this is the fifth juvenile monkey head injury you've called about today. As a licensed physician, I'm afraid I'm going to have to notify the authorities."

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Tim Siedell @badbanana

11 years ago

My Indiana Jones 5 pitch: A 77-year old Indiana Jones attends the 1981 premiere of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

6 years ago

How can a tortilla be so good when it's basically a piece of bread that's ALL CRUST.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

6 years ago

Thanksgiving left-overs are my favorite late-night snack. I just pull some out of the fridge and have it unheated. But I'm trying to break the habit of eating after dinner, so this year I'm quitting cold turkey.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

6 years ago

It may look like I'm constantly snacking, but I'm really just frequently validating that I still have my sense of taste and smell.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

A virus isn't even alive, it's like a tiny machine, or a nanobot. That's right, the robot uprising has begun. We should have been nicer to them and let them visit our web sites.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

On the plus side, there wasn't much complaining this week about the switch to daylight saving time.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

Maybe they should wait a few months before doing the 2020 census.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

We live in momentous times. I've waited my entire life for it to become socially acceptable to wear my Darth Vader mask on the bus.

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

Does curating your Netflix queue count as preparing for the coronavirus?

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

They print movie tickets now on cheap receipt paper. What gives? I can't scrapbook this!

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Andrew Gruner @gruner

7 years ago

Air travel is the worst. The only way I can stay sane is to pretend that world-class imagineers have carefully crafted the most awful experience possible. Man, they've thought of everything!