Luke Callaghan @lukeblahblah
American standup comic in New Zealand. Joined February 2014-
Tweets5K
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Followers368
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Following707
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Likes9K
Do the boomers have any idea how many posts about famous musicians there are on Instagram which they haven’t commented “Who???” on
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Synthony in the Auckland Domain is cool for when you wanna be inspired to learn how to play the violin while listening to a guy pissing on the grass right behind you
I heard they just put one good sip at the top of each bottle and then a bunch of garbage sips underneath
Me, in an upper-deck window seat of a bus that got stuck blocking an intersection in heavy traffic, watching 40 angry motorists honk their horns at me
I refuse to believe there’s a storm happening unless the lowest reporters in the Newshub pecking order are forced to stand in it & forbidden to put their jacket hoods up
Shit, the drain is blocked. We’d better get the mayor of a major city in to look at it
Shit, the drain is blocked. We’d better get the mayor of a major city in to look at it
It'd be crazy if the wind blew so hard that it blew Auckland trains along the tracks at train-like speeds according to their daily schedule
The Auckland police helicopter: not even a category 3 cyclone can stop us from doing whatever the fuck we’re doing up here
“Baby on board” Very well then, after some consideration I have shelved my plans to get T-boned by an 18-wheeler and go spinning into your car at 50mph
“bro that’s a piece of piss” False. You cannot have a piece of piss. Piss is a liquid and thus cannot be separated into “pieces”. Idiot.
this is what I can't stop picturing every time someone in NZ says they just bought their kid an ice block
Predicting at least 2 more years of seeing “resign Ardern” scrawled in sidewalk chalk until those people catch on
Modern airports are just massive AirPods stores which decided to branch out by adding a couple of runways
Opening a new chain of stores called OutdoorSportingGoods7 and all we sell is torpedoes
Hell yeah brb gonna buy a house for $210 cash
YouTuber: don’t forget to smash that like button! Me, briefly turning away from my 80th laptop of the year to reach for a claw hammer: okay 👍
Ohhhh this is why nobody ‘likes’ my tweets. You were trying not to be complicit in criminal activity
Ohhhh this is why nobody ‘likes’ my tweets. You were trying not to be complicit in criminal activity
I’ve never been in the New Zealand military but I imagine the drill sergeants say stuff like “FORWARD MARCH if that’s all right thanks”
Quiet quitting my job is going amazing, I’m saving so much time now that I don’t make my boss a 5-tier cheesecake every morning before my commute
Just put the car in a bowl of uncooked rice, should be fine
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