old jumpers @oldjumpers
stand-up comedian and comedy writer floating through a master’s in history hampstead to south london Joined August 2018-
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Followers33K
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home last night going on a delightful romp through some really very bleak primary school poetry and then being spat out of that rabbit hole only to be sent down another, googling the person it was written about and going down a less delightful tatler/daily mail pit of pain
umming and erring because the guys who are wrong about everything seem confident this time
*snorts line in a pitch meeting* it's a film about a man and a woman who don’t like each other but don’t like turning up to family events without a partner more than they dislike each other
yeah sex is great but have you ever speed-walked off the tube at hampstead and bagged a lift all to yourself?
first they came for rishi sunak. and i held the door open and pointed at rishi sunak
you can’t change the past but boy can you self-indulgently think about it boundlessly whilst downing red bull and chomping down on a carrot
hardly ever see men discretely coughing up blood into a monogrammed scented irish linen handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore
laurence fox has been asked to pay £180,000 damages in a libel case and woken up as laurence fox on the same day. all he needs now is to get water on his sleeves whilst washing up for the full trifecta of tragedy
you can ask with heavy drippings of politeness all you like but only the devil decides whether the cocksure employee at the wanky independent coffee shop will or won’t let you piss in their loo
emailing a stranger to politely explain that the sale is off as i am the worst hoarder of all time and someone else actually wanting to buy the big and hard-to-find history book i never read has made me realise how important it is that i keep and never read that book, forever
most of my used clothes going straight in the laundry bag, apart from the odd barely-worn pyjama bottoms, trapped in a miserable purgatory-like holding pen by the bag in case of another minor sleep where it can see out the remaining 50% of its transition to filth
my boxer shorts come with two tiny buttons in the fly. if i’m feeling particularly decadent i unbutton when i need a piss
few are treated with greater contempt than customers loyal to a single broadband provider
millionaire 1898: i shall use my fortune to provide a school, a library, and housing for the poor. millionaire 2024: i’m going to wank in a rocket.
it's nice when you get a book the size of dostoevsky's white nights because you're thinking 'I've got a chance here' and people are blinkered to the size of the book when it's written by big d himself
if st george hadn’t been so british and brilliant we’d all be speaking dragon
just met a dog called 'bonnie prince' and asked the owners 'of charlie fame?' and they had no idea what i was talking about. they were, unsurprisingly, made all the more confused when i said 'young pretender' to their dog
so used to getting the ‘ＰＵＳＳＹ ＩＮ ＰＲＯＦＩＬＥ’ replies to tweets that when they don’t come through i feel like i’m tweeting out nothing more than a sad fart into the void
today in 1819 byron wrote to teresa guiccioli "you sometimes tell me that i have been your first real love — and i assure you that you shall be my last passion"
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This is one of my favorite tumblr posts ever
Lincoln’s Inn looking delightful this evening.
@oldjumpers You may find this handy.
It’s a sunny spring afternoon in Soho, and I’m having a cider (his preferred pint) in the bar where, for years, we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. It is fucking revolting. I miss you, my friend
That’s how I remember him: walking away in sunshine, to go somewhere he didn’t really want to go. Somewhere I couldn’t go. I hope there’s champagne there
One of the last times I saw him - the actual him, and thinking about it, it may even have been the last time - was on a sunny spring afternoon in Soho. When he had to leave, he left with words to the effect of “I don’t really want to go, but there’s free champagne”
A year ago today, after a short and unexpected illness, my friend Adam died. An absolute giant of a man, who had no business dying as young as he did. It’s odd to describe death as being “out of character”, but the man was so vividly alive he almost had an air of immortality
Hollywood should go back to making more buddy cop films where the title is just their two names like in Tango & Cash. There were loads of others too but I’ve forgotten them now. I want to say turner and hooch but one of them was a dog. Ok cheers everyone have a good night 👍
@oldjumpers No! But going to attempt it next time I'm in London
man in cafe who wants everyone to know he’s a singer-songwriter
"Do you keep up with celebrity news?" "Oh yeah absolutely"
The G in LGBT is short for Guy who… erm, how shall I put this… prefers the company of men
No doubt it is good that we cling to each other. Franz Kafka, 1916.
2000 years ago a sign like this would’ve led to a mass virgin sacrifice
girlboss corporate feminism has reinvented the lords day of rest
Just spent an hour on the phone to @virginmedia trying (and failing) to get them to reduce the cost of my parents’ WiFi/phone/TV which is currently over £100pm. There is a promotional deal for new customers of £33. It’s appalling how these companies exploit loyal customers.
Giving strong William of Normandy leading his mounted hit squad into the ragged English shieldwall on the ridge at Hastings vibes
@oldjumpers Thank you - just lolled in the pub
Tory MP David Davis unveils his Conservative Party leadership campaign t-shirts (2005)
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