Sam Coates @sam_hyper
yikes Joined October 2012-
Tweets406
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Followers39
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Following285
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Likes26K
Nothing like returning to the tavern (my house) and receiving an ale (beer) from the barmaid (fridge) after a long day of adventuring (stocking shelves) and slaying monsters (customers in the grocery store)
Worst part of my job is having to pretend to relate to the real beer drinkers who want to ask me about their juicy fruity hazy shit juice triple sour IPA like wtf is “purple watermelon pickle lager” bitch i’ll kill you
Crazy how I’m so much more willing to accept HBO’s stupid ass rebranding (Max) than I am Twitter’s (X). Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that I don’t know who the CEO of Max is and he doesn’t try to piss me off all of the time
🧵In 2020, I nearly died from mysterious industrial chemical exposure at my home. Later I discovered my employer was dumping toxic waste into our windows from their Skunkworks semiconductor fab next-door. I tipped off EPA, who raided them in 2023. EPA just sent me the report 💀⬇️
It’s so hard to justify working a 9-5 when I know in my soul that I am meant to go on quests and slay legendary beasts in the name of justice and honor
Thinking about the casting call for the bully in Karate Kid (2010), were they just like “we need a 12 year old kid who’s got some full on hate in his heart. Just a real malicious looking dude. Also has to know kung fu and speak fluent mandarin”
@bteriyakii Tell your boss to hire me so they can micromanage us both
Terrible to hear about the bridge accident in Baltimore, but I’m sure our government will leap into action to fix the loss of infrastructure rather than enter into a state of gridlock for several months while the two parties vie for cheap political points
If I have to see that shitty half-done purple painting on my TL one more time with some banal “my pet died and i’m sad” poem above it, i will spray blood from my eyes like a desert lizard
Need me a balrog girl, a real shadow and flame gf; someone who’ll let me smite her ruin upon the mountainside, if you catch my drift
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text I was trying to fight my own reflection like a cockatiel
Kissinger is dead. New isopod. Nature is healing.
There is a heart that will not stop beating beneath the floorboards of the Mojo Dojo Casa House
Ideal weather is 60 degrees and sunny and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise
If the girl at Aftershock with bright blue hair, devil horns and a sign saying “Looking for bassist, keyboard and guitar” sees this, please god I’ve been trying to find you for hours throw me a fucking bone here
I am so close to nailing the bass line for Footloose and I have never related to Sisyphus more in my life
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