In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

typically topical...mostly rejected jokes for Breaking The News and Newsjack...and you can see why... Joined March 2020

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

2 years ago

People climbing Mount Everest will have to clean up their own poo and bring it back to base camp to be disposed of, authorities have said. To avoid the problems associated with pooing on the mountain, it's likely that climbers will have more than one Sherpa Tense-ing. #BTNrejects

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

2 years ago

Men who take drugs for erectile dysfunction may reduce their risk of Alzheimer's disease, a study suggests, although there is no hard evidence to back up these claims. #BTNrejects

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

2 years ago

Around 40 years ago, the first dinosaur footprint was discovered on the Isle of Skye. More fossils have been found since. Commenting on the dinosaur habits, Professor Andy Stewart said, "They set up home on the Isle of Skye, they weren't very big and were awfy shy". #BTNrejects

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

2 years ago

Congratulations to my nephew in Yorkshire who got his exam results today. Five A-ups.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

2 years ago

Nicola Sturgeon has sold the rights to her memoirs to Pan MacMillan. Given her spat with Salmond, her ineffective independence bid and the ongoing investigations, I offer the title "Sturgeon: A fish out of water".

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Olympic medalist Laura Muir has had a street named after her in Milnathort, Scotland. Other Scottish celebrities, such as Alan Cumming and Susan Boyle were considered, but Cumming Close and Boyle Passage were scrapped. Actor Brian Cox declined to comment on his omission.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Tens of thousands of people have signed a petition for Michelle Mone to be expelled from the House of Lords, or rather, to be lifted and separated from the House of Lords.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Sarah Ferguson is set to be invited to her first Sandringham Christmas for thirty years, as nowadays good waitresses are hard to find.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

It has been revealed that a cyber attack crippled NHS systems for months, forcing doctors to keep patient records on pieces of paper. The problem only came to light when one patient was shown to be suffering from seeded buns, braised kidneys and pickled onions.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Domino's Pizzas in Italy have closed and they are filing for bankruptcy. The directors are being placed on high alert in case they start topping themselves. Sorry. Bye!

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

So, after lack of progress and enduring a nightmare time trying to get into "Breaking the news" in Edinburgh without success (thanks BBC - next time try and book a place people know) I'm quitting sending in to the aforementioned radio programme, but next tweet could be why..

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

27 years ago today, Abba met the Spice Girls for the first time.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Watched Diana Ross at Glastonbury. Nice to see the crowd enjoying themselves, although I'm not convinced they were dancing. It looked more like they were swerving to avoid all the bum notes.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Bros star Matt Goss has revealed that he owns watches worth more than £1 million. Being best known as an 80's pop star simply proves the point that nowadays he has a lot of time on his hands.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

A rare one in a million orange lobster has been caught by fishermen near Barra. The occasion was celebrated with an impromptu flute band parade round the island. #BTNrejects

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

A case study has said that trampolines are involved in half of A&E admissions for activity related injuries in under-14's. In fact, one hospital said it had 12 of those admissions on the bounce. #BTNrejects

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

Trail runner Ricky Lightfoot became only the third person since 1980 to win the gruelling man Vs horse race. The horse was understandably gutted...and subsequently used in the production of supermarket ready meals. #BTNrejects

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

A cooking oil spillage on the Northern part of the M25 motorway caused huge queues and delays for nearly 24 hours. Motorists had also been made aware of the loose chips on the road.

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In the news this week... @Inthenewsthisw1

3 years ago

A Kentucky man has been awarded 450,000 dollars after his company threw him a surprise birthday party despite his warnings it would trigger stress and anxiety. The same thing happened in Britain, but it was Boris Johnson who got the fine instead.