Jake @adankJake
I say funny stuff sometimes. Oak Island, NC Joined September 2012-
Tweets510
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Followers36
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Following275
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Likes120
I always speed when I drive because driving the speed limit is too suspicious.
Apparently my favorite place to disassociate is the entrance to a grocery store parking lot until I walk in. Because like, where did I park?
So many older people I know have had to have their knees replaced so, if you see me leaning or sitting down I'm just being more health conscious.
I cannot stand a "I don't like funerals" mf. Who tf likes funerals? it ain't about you my guy.
Who the fuck invented bi weekly paychecks? Like, fuck you dude.
Does anyone listen to the overhead announcements in retail stores?
Me when younger people start talking about how old they are: 👴
The dread I feel on Sunday about going to work Monday is worse than actually going to work.
Me on trial for stealing a car: "Your honor they kept leaving their car running while they went into the gas station and needed to be taught a lesson." The judge: "Not Guilty!"
Being a manager at a Costco has got to be easy. Someone has a complaint? Here take a free rotisserie chicken and have a nice day.
@XboxGamePass please add Halo 2 to the Xbox game pass! 😭😭😭
Whenever I pack to go on vacation I pack underwear like I am going to shit myself at least twice.
Commercials having more airtime than the actual game is the most American thing ever.
Thinking about that kid in rehab that collected money from everyone for McDonald's and then disappeared.
Of course we are going to search the cave this is Dungeons and Dragons.
A comfy blanket is always a good Christmas gift for me.
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