Dayton Bissett @flamingoblue84
Joined November 2013-
Tweets228
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Followers164
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Following176
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Likes475
I’m the last of us to watch the last of us. Pretty good tweet
Lotta bait shop confederate flags at half mast today
New Year’s Resolution: Kill myself
I love shower sex because it’s the only time my gf is ever wet
Women shouldn’t have real pockets because how would they fit a purse in there
When I die I want a closed casket but I want to be on top of it
Do babies in the desert mirage their moms boobs?
9/11 would’ve been a lot more fun if they were water towers
I’m saving up $10,000 so I can finally hit a construction worker
I got a flash flood warning and an amber alert at the same time today. I dont think that kid's gunna make it.
My heroin dealer just asked to see proof of vaccination.
I’m not a big fan of popcorn shrimp but I do like shrimp on the cob
Hey if you buy a copy of my book in the next 48 hours, you get a copy of Dayton Bissett’s book free.
I got rid of my food stamps because they tasted terrible
I cant wait to turn 30 so I can stop ordering chicken strips and finally start ordering chicken tenders.
Palm trees are pretty useless without finger trees
😆 UPCOMING THIS WEEK 😆 •5/13: Cool Baby Comedy presents @dinahashem_ in The Bearing Bar w/ @flamingoblue84 & @IamAaronNaylor hosted by @icarloschamon 🎟 → bit.ly/DinaHashemMay13 Safety Guidelines → thetrumankc.com/faqs/
JUST ANNOUNCED & ON SALE NOW 😆 Cool Baby Comedy presents @dinahashem_ in The Bearing Bar ft. @flamingoblue84 & @IamAaronNaylor, hosted by @icarloschamon! 🎟 → bit.ly/DinaHashemMay13 Safety Guidelines → thetrumankc.com/faqs/
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At my funeral do a 21 gun salute but just 21 full length machine gun Kelly songs in a row
@ThatEricAlper Ain’t it just like just like the night to play tricks when you’re trying to be so quiet.
It’d be more fun if they raided trump’s house and found all the baby formula
My viagra didn’t work so they gave me a refund, no hard feelings
I wrote a sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists but no one wanted to make the pilot
The day I was born was the first time I’d ever met my parents, so I have no idea how they knew my name.
Just saw the Will Smith slap. Anyone have a late night show I can borrow just for tomorrow?
Thank god Chris rock didn’t take a shot at Alec Baldwin
I think we’re not talking enough about how Will Smith initially laughed at the joke. #Oscars2022
@heylookitspanda @MissGinaDarling @willsmith I don’t. He’s a comedian. Will isn’t. What I hate is violence. Any. Kind. Of. Violence. Bad message. Bad role model.
The roof at the planetarium caved in but nobody noticed.
I bet when Mary's water broke it was just a bunch of wine
You really gotta be careful what you say around kids, they will repeat everything you say. My 5 year old nephew got put in timeout for saying “I’m tired of fucking my wife”
You don’t know how bad airlines treat you until you fly a good one. I was given a FREE blanket for the first time, got so excited I had to masturbate under it
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Lotta bait shop confederate flags at half mast today
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