Mitya @Discollaborator

i'm on a quest the woods Joined September 2020

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Mitya @Discollaborator

7 hours ago

Being relieved of your duties sounds so nice

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Mitya @Discollaborator

a day ago

You can't intimidate me because I'm already incredibly scared. Nothing could add to my terror.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

3 days ago

They used to make TV shows about people on boats, but you just don't see that anymore. Where did our adventuring spirit go? Are we too corn-fed to dream of the high seas?

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They're making me go through increasingly elaborate mazes, to test my intelligence. I wasn't going to cooperate, but they told me there's a huge block of cheese at the end, and I'm not about to lose my shot at that bad boy.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

5 days ago

The thing about skinning a rabbit is you only need one cut. A half-inch slit, right across the spine. Just big enough to slide your finger inside. And then you pull. The pelt tears away, and the meat stays behind, and suddenly the rabbit isn't a rabbit anymore. Where did it go?

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Mitya @Discollaborator

6 days ago

It's very impressive that you're always right, yet manage to stay so miserable

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Mitya @Discollaborator

7 days ago

Marching into battle wearing a delightfully silly hat. The eyes of my foes soften when they spot me - a singular source of whimsy on the battlefield. Their sword arms hesitate, if only for a moment. They think back to more innocent times. I cut down dozens as the melee rages.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

a week ago

I took twenty seven big deep breaths about it and now I'm fine

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Mitya @Discollaborator

a week ago

I am a realist, which means I only believe things that are real. I'm also a rationalist, which means I'm always correct because of reason and logic and my brain.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

a week ago

You could have just told me I didn't get the job. I don't know why you had to put so much emphasis on me being "disease-ridden".

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Mitya @Discollaborator

a week ago

This was a lie. I wasn't even chuckling. Embarrassing that any of you fell for this.

Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

This was a lie. I wasn't even chuckling. Embarrassing that any of you fell for this.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

I'm laughing really hard right now. Laughing so hard I might cry. Really busting my gut. Probably gonna puke.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

Growing up is realizing God will punish you if you don't immediately refill your empty ice trays or wait nine seconds between bites of cereal or wipe down the knobs on your sink every couple of hours

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

The captain of the guard has revoked my crossbow privileges. I don't really want to get into it, but I will say I think it's pretty stupid to walk around the village with scary facial hair if you're not some kind of bandit. That baker had the goatee of a killer.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

I spend hours every day browsing online recipes and giving 1-star reviews to the ones that call for shrimp. I'm sick and tired of my shellfish allergy not being taken seriously. It's exhausting how much work I have to put in just to keep myself safe.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

I forgot they expand. God help me, I forgot the noodles expand.

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

Sorry, I meant to say the ideal relationship is between a straight woman and another (completely neurotypical) straight woman her own age, but my fingers slipped

Pneuma @Heroine__P_

2 weeks ago

Sorry, I meant to say the ideal relationship is between a straight woman and another (completely neurotypical) straight woman her own age, but my fingers slipped

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

The ideal relationship is between a lesbian and a much younger man with severe BPD

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Mitya @Discollaborator

2 weeks ago

You were so much funnier before I killed you

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Mitya @Discollaborator

3 weeks ago

They call him "grimace" instead of "the purple one" because back in the 70s they didn't have a word for purple yet. Would be nice to see that decision revisited, now that technology and culture have sufficiently advanced. But I'm not getting my hopes up.