Mitya @Discollaborator

i'm on a quest the woods Joined September 2020

Tweets

6K
Followers

13K
Following

499
Likes

56K

Mitya @Discollaborator

16 hours ago

My landlord said I can't have a cat, so I bought a box of five hundred live house centipedes instead. Turns out he's not happy about that, either. Well tough. This is called compromise. We're compromising now. All five hundred and two of us.

32 2K 34K 368K 975

Mitya @Discollaborator

2 days ago

A shift in the light, and the clouds became mountains. I was driving west, across the plains. Light shifts again, and the clouds are just clouds. I'm driving south, out of town. It was like that. None of it means anything, really. I'm just explaining how it was.

0 7 50 2K 6

Mitya @Discollaborator

3 days ago

Tried to buy a single potato at the grocery store the other day and the cashiers just laughed at me. Said it wasn't enough potatoes. I wanted to explain it was "underconsumption core" and it was cool now, but they wouldn't listen. Ended up buying seven potatoes with all my money.

7 18 340 6K 4

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 days ago

I've fed several bodies to the alligators in the bass pro pyramid swamp, and nobody there's ever said a thing about it

2 22 231 4K 6

Mitya @Discollaborator

5 days ago

Ever since I joined the artillery corps the other guys won't stop talking about me being "the perfect size" to fit in the cannons

4 72 1K 20K 27

Mitya @Discollaborator

6 days ago

Motes of light drifting in and out your window on some unseen current, disappearing only as you've begun to teeter on the edge of sleep, those final few moments of perfect dark leaving just enough time to mourn their departure

2 3 47 2K 3

Mitya @Discollaborator

6 days ago

Nobody knows why I do my funky little dance. Whether it signals happiness or heartbreak. But that's not important. What matters is that I'm dancing.

2 40 212 5K 11

Mitya @Discollaborator

a week ago

They ran out of all the milk. They said it was all gone, and there wasn't ever going to be any more. They told me "milk is over" in a soft, sad voice, and they looked so low it brought me to tears.

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

They ran out of all the milk. They said it was all gone, and there wasn't ever going to be any more. They told me "milk is over" in a soft, sad voice, and they looked so low it brought me to tears.

5 4 69 38K 3

13 197 2K 37K 73

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

I'll be right back, just going out to grab some milk

5 4 69 38K 3

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

Trying to explain to the waitress I wouldn't have tipped her even if she were pretty, because I saw how much friendlier she was with the other guests and I refuse to pay extra to be the least favorite table

2 4 164 4K 6

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

Blinding light dipping beneath the horizon, leaving only a soft glow. The fire in my cracked throat fading to a comforting warmth. Reminders that all things can be gentle. You, also.

0 3 49 2K 2

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

No, you don't get any points for "not having a meltdown". Your life is awful, you should be having a meltdown. I'm actually taking points away for being so passive.

7 256 2K 40K 156

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

I forgot to pack a lunch, so I'm gonna need each of you to give me something from yours

6 2 88 3K 4

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

Nobody likes me because I'm always chewing on things and then they go "hey, stop, don't eat that!" and I pretend to stop for a second and then go right back to chewing

12 646 5K 85K 255

Mitya @Discollaborator

4 weeks ago

If you really wanted to foil my evil plans you could have just asked. Don't know why you had to jump right to the burning and the slashing. I wasn't even that invested in conquering the realm, we definitely could have talked things out.

2 15 180 4K 6

Mitya @Discollaborator

a month ago

Just want you to know that I have the good kind of simmering resentment, not the bad kind. I'm angry at all the right people, and none of the wrong ones. Or is it only the wrong ones I'm angry at? Either way, we all agree they gotta go.

1 38 318 6K 17

Mitya @Discollaborator

a month ago

I've only ever been caught on film twice, and neither perpetrator got away unscathed. I don't like hurting people like that, but use of my image is (as we all know) bound by some incredibly strict licensing rules and restrictions.

2 17 210 6K 10

Mitya @Discollaborator

a month ago

It's very important you understand I wasn't crying because of the Wilco song. I was crying about something entirely unrelated to Wilco, and the song just happened to be on. Wilco did not "make me cry" and you look kind of ridiculous saying that, actually.