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Tweets395
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Followers104
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Following136
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Likes9K
A streaming service advertising they have “Top Gun” or “Die Hard” doesn’t have me saying “I’ve got to subscribe to that service” anymore than it motivates me to dig through the plastic tubs in my basement to find my copies of them on VHS.
Watching Apple’s Time Bandits series makes me feel like someone just stole a few hundred hours of my life.
Suffering through the third commercial break after being told the first sponsor paid for the entire program to be commercial free. If you can’t trust a a streaming provider, who can you trust?
Doc Holliday: "Why Johnny Lingo. You look like someone just…talked over your grave."
The only difference between nowhere and now here is space.
Wearing a face mask through this Covid-19 pandemic has opened my eyes to the fact that mouthwash is a necessity.
Happy 69th Birthday to Kurt Russell. I wonder what Goldie Hawn will give him today for his 69th Birthday? Socks?
Progressive Neanderthal: “We will cross that ice bridge when we come to it”
This must have been the “Slow the older fucking iPhone down update.” I’ve been iPhucked!
Maybe Trump IS actually “a Witch.” That would also explain his affinity for the mirror. Maybe part of the spell is that he needs to be honest about that one thing. “It’s a Witch Hunt!”(sic)
I'm motivated like a guy at the front door, fumbling with his keys and a bad case of diarrhea.
It's ironic that Trump wants extreme vetting of immigrants, but failed to vet his own administration for ties with Russia.
Trump's plan for the Space Program has set a lofty goal: The Sun by 2020! No need to worry, his scientists assure us they will go at night.
FBI,NSA & DOJ: No matter our differences the one thing all humanity shares is that we use the same PIN on our ATM card as we do on our phone
The Pope blesses Congress. John Boehner vomits, spins his head around and resigns. Be wary, Boehner may be looking for a new host.
While struggling with some home repairs; I realized Jesus was a carpenter. So, I thought "What would Jesus do?" So, I gave up and called Dad
In the story of my life, Tyler Durden will be played by a stick figure that looks like Steve Buscemi.
Ramesh Yadav @RameshY92944067
11 Followers 105 Following
Jerry F @JerrySuneagle
50 Followers 160 Following Half my tweets are true. The fun is figuring out which.
Olya Bernstein @OlyaBernstein
0 Followers 9 Following
Dawn Petersen @Petersenmarie
27 Followers 156 Following
Zanna Agge @ryfufewelapi
11 Followers 82 Following Hardcore travel specialist passionated ...Hobby, Unapologetic alcohol guru ,
Nathan Smithy @NateSmiffy
84 Followers 580 Following There are only so many intelligent things that can be said about the human penis before the discourse just dissolves into grunting and swear words.
IMMORTAL TY COBB @TyCobb_GS
7K Followers 9K Following Ty Cobb's Grandson____If You are interested in the Past, Present & Future of Baseball...You are in the right place.....____I Follow Back Most.......
Olivia Simms @OliviaSimms2
3K Followers 4K Following
sellymamat @sellymamat
5 Followers 50 Following
Ionuţ Nicolae @IonuNicolae
35 Followers 210 Following
Jagdeep Singh @JagdeepTuli
15 Followers 69 Following hi ,,friends,,i like m to m enjoyment,,,join me...
Reversecowgirl @awkwardcowgirl
105 Followers 401 Following i mean you may think im just your average selfish, back stabbing, slut faced ho bag, but in reality, im so much more than that.
Cotton Candy Amethyst @CheetosSexual
226 Followers 779 Following I collect porcelain dolls and write and read stories and make smoothies.
progressive soup @thatcrazyvoice
242 Followers 242 Following
Colin Gubbins @RitleySammich
11K Followers 7K Following Ministry of Ungentlemanly & Irregular Warfare - cardboard sports cards - #NAFO - NoleNation -
I'm here @hydrahead69
39 Followers 203 Following
Ronnie & Vi @FishyRonnie
259 Followers 905 Following Bringing you the laughs, one blind date at a time! Follow my blog here: http://t.co/YRtG6Rkiez
TK-8028 @tpurvis06
4K Followers 4K Following Been called the Shock Jock of twitter, but hang around, bet u say wtf??
Heather B. Hamilton @dooce
1.1M Followers 2K Following NYTimes Bestselling Author and creator of ᖱooce®
☠ WasteLandRuler™ @WasteLandRuler
152 Followers 705 Following THE RULER OF THE WASTELAND Gunman/Archer Prepper Outlaw/Rioter Survivalist Bicyclist Guitarist Artist
Markus Garnstone @GarnDogg
278 Followers 409 Following Superhero who wears underpants under his tights.
Richard Head @DruckFunker
97 Followers 169 Following I'm in a constant state of recovery and relapse.
@jamesamillion @jamesamillion
482 Followers 2K Following
Mr. Phoenix @Mr_Phoenix_602
362 Followers 1K Following This person is undergoing a major life change, please excuse the mess.
KittySaysMeeow @KittySaysMeeow
3K Followers 3K Following I swear this is a joke, and nothing but a joke, so help me dog. 18+
Juan McCain @BorderCoyote
599 Followers 1K Following I'm the illegitamate son of John McCain and a mexican blow up doll. I'm full up to the anus with rock hard throbbing dick jokes.
KAE WHY @KaeWhy270
3K Followers 4K Following Running For President in 2028 with @Moes_HQ ///Former WWE Production Assistant.
Juice @UrCoolArrow
261 Followers 805 Following Professional Midget Appraiser.... Great Friends With Beer... Owner Of 2 Tax Write-Offs Ages 11 And 6
KnoWhatI'mSayin'? @kev_dawg_
12K Followers 12K Following One day I’ll write a bio that doesn’t give clues on how old I am. Anyway, I’ve been a big fan of the original Star Wars ever since I saw it at the theaters.
Incognito @NotThatKevin
3K Followers 3K Following The planet is fine... It's the people that are fucked! - George Carlin
wittycassiehere @WittyCassieHere
1K Followers 888 Following I tell stories, sell houses, and pet dogs in California. @USCAnnenberg alum. #binders
progressive soup @thatcrazyvoice
242 Followers 242 Following
Brent @Brentweets
10K Followers 682 Following Hi Brent! Just reminding you to write your bio. Love, Mom. P.S Underwear are in the wash, don't worry none of your friends can see this
Depressing Thoughts @Time4Depression
45K Followers 84 Following in the end it doesn’t matter. Or in the beginning. Or the middle.
Blissy @PyrBliss
26K Followers 1K Following
TK-8028 @tpurvis06
4K Followers 4K Following Been called the Shock Jock of twitter, but hang around, bet u say wtf??
Bizarre Lazar @BizarreLazar
47K Followers 12K Following Internet Guy | Rubber of elbows | Eater of sandwiches | Starter of slow claps
Heather B. Hamilton @dooce
1.1M Followers 2K Following NYTimes Bestselling Author and creator of ᖱooce®
denise @Stellacopter
27K Followers 746 Following i never know how much air to put in my tires, I just stop when I get bored.
Nkanyezi @NkanyeziKubheka
1.1M Followers 34K Following 🏆 Award-Winning DJ & Producer. 📧 [email protected] ☎️ (+27) 810781576
Markus Garnstone @GarnDogg
278 Followers 409 Following Superhero who wears underpants under his tights.
LtFrankDrebbin @LtFrankDrebbin
1K Followers 2K Following Semi-pro Hungry Hungry Hippos player, Three-Time World Champion Reese's Pieces Sorter
KittySaysMeeow @KittySaysMeeow
3K Followers 3K Following I swear this is a joke, and nothing but a joke, so help me dog. 18+
Stump Woodley @StumpWoodley
2K Followers 457 Following Holds the MLB record for the most unassisted nacho double-dips in one game.
𝚙𝚘𝚕𝚢𝚝�... @BettyLies
7K Followers 759 Following Never do what you’re told. There’ll be time, believe me, when you’re old.
Juice @UrCoolArrow
261 Followers 805 Following Professional Midget Appraiser.... Great Friends With Beer... Owner Of 2 Tax Write-Offs Ages 11 And 6
Juan McCain @BorderCoyote
599 Followers 1K Following I'm the illegitamate son of John McCain and a mexican blow up doll. I'm full up to the anus with rock hard throbbing dick jokes.
KAE WHY @KaeWhy270
3K Followers 4K Following Running For President in 2028 with @Moes_HQ ///Former WWE Production Assistant.
KnoWhatI'mSayin'? @kev_dawg_
12K Followers 12K Following One day I’ll write a bio that doesn’t give clues on how old I am. Anyway, I’ve been a big fan of the original Star Wars ever since I saw it at the theaters.
TSV @SeminalVirgin
49 Followers 115 Following Yes, I'm happily married. No, it's not a myth. Also, fuck you.
Gorrdano @Gorrdano
19K Followers 9 Following
neatorama @neatorama
14K Followers 4K Following Neatorama's Official tweetage. Neato stuff, 140 characters at a time.
wittycassiehere @WittyCassieHere
1K Followers 888 Following I tell stories, sell houses, and pet dogs in California. @USCAnnenberg alum. #binders
Shane @shanethevein
16K Followers 3K Following I don't care about politics, especially yours. Padres fan. Crodie lover. I block trolls. Born in Hawaii, lives in Texas via Cali, Arizona, and Baltimore.
Sheila @Sheila_Mac420
14K Followers 6K Following Token lesbian. I like to smoke weed, and lick vagina. I write things and stuff that makes you feel the feels.
Danielle G. @artbydanielleg
727 Followers 716 Following Sports artist (mostly). I won't draw your nudes but you can send them to me anyways. Check out my work on https://t.co/ix6Od8O60a
Kobbejaeger @Kobbejaeger
3K Followers 3K Following Demotivational speaker, in need of shoes. Undertakers dig me.
TheUnfunnyDad @TheUnfunnyDad
95 Followers 144 Following Father of the year, Entrepreneur of awesomeness. Stick around and you'll learn something. You probably won't but whatever.
KuntFickenDammt @Kuntspeak
3K Followers 621 Following
Cruz! @nPhelendriqal
7K Followers 1K FollowingTrends for United States
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