&y S&ford @AndySandford
ATLien. jokist 🎤CONAN, Late Late Show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Not to name drop, but I have Crohn’s. Album/Special, Basket Case, out now. link below youtu.be/z2oR14mkcXo Atlanta, GA Joined February 2009-
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We look to comedians to find the line, and then cross over that line. That is, as long as we aren't talking about the line I believe you just don't cross, buddy. I mean come on, man! That's a line you just DON'T CROSS, BUDDY!
In some ways comedians ARE the modern day philosophers bc that is something people will teach for $, but not do for $.
Another good one is putting on workout clothes and not doin a damn thing. That is called dumbass muscle confusion. If you're convincing enough, you never have to workout. Your muscles are too emotionally invested to accept your unwillingness to change.
Another good one is putting on workout clothes and not doin a damn thing. That is called dumbass muscle confusion. If you're convincing enough, you never have to workout. Your muscles are too emotionally invested to accept your unwillingness to change.
I am 40, but am owed at least 3 more years of my 30's. What paperwork do I need to fill out for me to be legally 37? I'm tellin ya, I'm not supposed to be 40. I'm not supposed to be alive, but I am on less borrowed time than this goddammit.
I signed the stop Cop City petition thinking it was the pitch for a Bravo style reality show. Now that I am more informed, I will sign it again under my govt name.
Hey Fandy Fandfords, I shit you not, there is a straight up GOAT'd silly skwad of harhar harbingers. A guffawfully hilarious lineup is set to lay siege to the stage at 529 in EAV tonight. Doors at 7, show at 8. Soul raptured to perc-atory at 10. iykykmf cum out ya goddam idiots!
ok wtf I am tweeting/X'ing this from my laptop because the X app is gone from my phone. That is fuckin crazy, Musky ass dungeon bdsm lookin app
Appetizers really fall apart if you try to explain it to a reasonable foreigner. “Uhh it’s like a basket of fried cheese, or loaded tater skins just to kickstart the appetite I think. I know 6 potatoes +all that shit seems filling but eating out is a dare here.”
Most the line cooks I’ve known were more into the lines than the cooking.
There’s a silly lil reel on ig where bricklayers setup a domino rally thing with a buncha bricks, & every mouth breather can’t help commenting “yeah good job makin more work for yourself!” So I said “u guys sure know how to ruin a fun lil video.” That’s all it takes. Triggered.
Just heard Rx ad for something to combat “Treatment Resistant Depression.” Are they still accepting alternate names? If so, I humbly put forth, “hopelessly aware”
Equalizer 4: inequality plagues an Equalizer Dying to Retire
I gotta say, this transition from Twitter to X has turned this place into a true journal no one will ever read or react to. I think every dozen tweets 1 bot will ❤️ a tweet by accident & remind me how stupid this is.
I was bored and randomly wandered into the Reddit r/Standup subreddit. Some Replies. Even posted a thing. Then I kept getting bombarded with notifications “username posted in r/Standup: what outfits do you find best for comedy?” & it reminded me why I don’t like recovery groups.
“PRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLL!!!” But with a boner.
Checker’s has great fries, but don’t make the same mistake I did and go to Fact Checker’s, they only confirmed that Checker’s fries are indeed delicious.
I can’t recall ever going to TGI Friday’s, but I’d like to think the hostess greets you with, “good evening, welcome to Thank GAWD it’s Friday’s, just y’all 3? Thank GAWD.”
Holy shit. I just told jokes to maybe the worst collection of people to ever assemble for a comedy show.
Mike Recine @mikerecine
36K Followers 3K Following My special is on YouTube right now and you can watch it here: https://t.co/whJKJbPPJN
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coach
Megan Gailey @megangailey
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Casey James Salengo @caseyJsalengo
7K Followers 1K Following I’m a stand up comedian and I’m emotional!
Blair Socci @blairsocci
47K Followers 944 Following My debut special out now on @veeps - https://t.co/jY8dpFvql7
shaunak godkhindi @ShaunakIsCool
1K Followers 926 Following Standup comedian | I’ll Take It a comedy WebSeries linked below!
zach reinert @zachreinert0
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Tom Thakkar @TomAThakkar
14K Followers 1K Following Special coming TODAY: https://t.co/Znhp3gwVmJ see more clips at https://t.co/GaLW6dzUb9
Mike Abrusci @mikeabrusci
8K Followers 724 Following God’s Perfect Man™️. Listen to @ALittleTimePod. Sign up for my newsletter below ⬇️⬇️⬇️
samm severin @waitressboner
2K Followers 2K Following poets are always lying about being comedians but I’m not
Amy Miller @amymiller
27K Followers 3K Following 💜✌️ female comedian / coastal elite white trash / not talking to you, talking to your dog / never not touching my head
Tommy McNamara @TommyMcNam
7K Followers 2K Following watch my special SMOLDERING here for free: https://t.co/zWfmFpuqlc
:3 @meowza_x3_
1 Followers 8 Following
Ken @Ken030327869385
32 Followers 264 Following
Lexi-rose Fait @FaitLexi
62 Followers 5K Following
Remy Randal @RemyRanda
82 Followers 5K Following
Skyla Falter @FalterSkyl631
86 Followers 5K Following
Amani Coontz @coo_aman
34 Followers 5K Following
Sana Schmutzler @sa_schmutzl
18 Followers 3K Following
Jess Salomon @jessjesssalomon
178 Followers 425 Following “Starting from zero, got nothing to lose” (had to make a new account) Comedian, big talker, the first “Jess” is silent
Jerry’s Humor @jerryshumor
122 Followers 1K Following Tickling myself while I chew gum & stumble thru my befuddlement, all on the head of a very unstable pin of buffoonery! #jerryshumor #humor #humorinmylife #jokes
StandUp4Recovery @StandUpRecovery
61 Followers 131 Following Award winning mobile comedy club for the addiction and mental health recovery communities based in ATL. Partners with @georgiaoverdoseprevention
Hendrix @t1gyk
5 Followers 15 Following
Kyle Kordsmeier @kylebedamned
13 Followers 17 Following
Nunenoo @Nunenoo117984
109 Followers 1K Following
thecrazymess @Thacrazymess
113 Followers 658 Following
Coach J Alexander @Mr_John_T
127 Followers 1K Following Linebackers Coach - Druid Hills High School @dhhs_devildogs - Miami Hurricanes Alum #GOHARDorGOHOME
Exit Row For The Tall @ExitRow4TheTall
3K Followers 3K Following Airlines should give exit row seats to tall passengers at no additional charge instead of taking advantage of our height for profit. #ExitRowForTheTall
Nelly Glen @Weber1996876
16 Followers 277 Following Interested in meeting up just a Dm me on BoTim +1 903 802 4942
Thom B @TomTomSBoss
163 Followers 264 Following
Baphomet-The-God @Baphomet_LLC
285 Followers 1K Following
Trixie Lehnen @LehnenLehn
73 Followers 5K Following
Chana Tsuzuki @tsuzu_cha
60 Followers 5K Following
Sri Wallner @WallnSr
72 Followers 5K Following
Adele Claypool @AdeClayp
81 Followers 5K Following
Joy B Fasbender @FasbenderB71676
2 Followers 24 Following
Addyson Tebbetts @TebbettAddy
67 Followers 5K Following
Kaia Muccigrosso @KMuccigros15791
95 Followers 5K Following
Makeda Hagood @HagoodMake26127
69 Followers 5K Following
Ma Cardno @cardno_ma19400
103 Followers 5K Following
NYTimes Vows @NYTvows
17K Followers 1K Following PARODY. The Grey Lady covers White Weddings. IRL: @selenacoppock
allen mcdowell @allenmcdowell1
3K Followers 5K Following Despise hypocrites and everything trump. . Dog lover. UNC Tar Heel. #impeachtheMF. #bluewave2020.
Who Was That Masked M.. @WasMasked
2K Followers 5K Following Eclectic Independent: Moderately liberal conservative/ Conservatively moderate liberal; “All things change but truth, and that truth alone, lives on forever.”
kdjfmm @kdjfmm
24 Followers 404 Following
TruthSeeker @shudson4117
1K Followers 3K Following I WAS Here to see all sides of the arguments, to gain a better understanding of why people BELIEVE what they believe,all things considered. YA'LL! Help me!
vegan-bear @kumamatsi
894 Followers 3K Following
Petty Labelle @PettyLabelleNO
351 Followers 3K Following
Anita Hancock @AnitaHancock18
566 Followers 1K Following
Kathy @kathjosmith
3K Followers 4K Following #resist, MAGA hater, dog lover, vote blue no matter who!
Nicholas Gabbard @NicholasGabbar4
134 Followers 919 Following Pala angax (im from Pala). family, Jiu jitsu, football, peon, fishing and golf. Sibimoat (kupa) and Helmyup (iipay) Mom, Scandinavian/ German Dad.
Dbreit @Dbreit5
16 Followers 962 Following
BostonBorn☘🌊 @BostonBorn26
3K Followers 4K Following Gen X Progressive Democrat, INFJ. I believe in equality & inclusion for EVERYONE. Spiritual AF. Pro Roe, BLM, 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🇺🇦 Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.
Gene Brady @genebrady
1K Followers 4K Following 'Out of the mountain of despair, a stone of hope.' Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
steve leo @skipleo15
196 Followers 2K Following
Mike Recine @mikerecine
36K Followers 3K Following My special is on YouTube right now and you can watch it here: https://t.co/whJKJbPPJN
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coach
Megan Gailey @megangailey
44K Followers 3K Following
Casey James Salengo @caseyJsalengo
7K Followers 1K Following I’m a stand up comedian and I’m emotional!
Blair Socci @blairsocci
47K Followers 944 Following My debut special out now on @veeps - https://t.co/jY8dpFvql7
shaunak godkhindi @ShaunakIsCool
1K Followers 926 Following Standup comedian | I’ll Take It a comedy WebSeries linked below!
MILKY WAY GHETTO 🌌 @JayJurden
30K Followers 2K Following he/him. comic / actor / writer / X-Men nerd/writer! - bisexual demon / booking - https://t.co/ikhegHrDPH
zach reinert @zachreinert0
7K Followers 2K Following
Tom Thakkar @TomAThakkar
14K Followers 1K Following Special coming TODAY: https://t.co/Znhp3gwVmJ see more clips at https://t.co/GaLW6dzUb9
Mike Abrusci @mikeabrusci
8K Followers 724 Following God’s Perfect Man™️. Listen to @ALittleTimePod. Sign up for my newsletter below ⬇️⬇️⬇️
samm severin @waitressboner
2K Followers 2K Following poets are always lying about being comedians but I’m not
Amy Miller @amymiller
27K Followers 3K Following 💜✌️ female comedian / coastal elite white trash / not talking to you, talking to your dog / never not touching my head
Josie Dyser @DyserJosie81528
85 Followers 5K Following
James Fritz @fritzisdead
6K Followers 2K Following perfectly rated comedian * adult swim * hbomax * album on @aspecialthing records * The Frankie Quinones Show pod * rep: https://t.co/GgcT60GoIw
Hubie Halloween (real.. @doctorfax_
372 Followers 2K Following the real actual Hubie Halloween. ACAB, etc, Fmr. Chat Representative (B)
Rafe Williams @iamRafeWilliams
4K Followers 730 Following Comedian. Brilliant Tweetmaker, Categorically Ignored.
brenDAD @BrenDadding
145 Followers 1K Following Some have called me, “The Sturgill Simpson of the kitchen.” Others, “The Waylon Jennings of this airport bathroom.” Still others, “Shut up, this is a bathroom!”
Rootstock Restaurant .. @rootstock_ga
152 Followers 79 Following Rootstock is the premier #restaurant & #bar in #Woodstock for local gourmet dishes, global #wines and select #whiskies. | Pairing dinners, live music + more
Charlie Vergos @CharlieVergos
681 Followers 462 Following Comedian. Memphis. My stand-up album, Barbecue Rich, is available on iTunes, Amazon, and Spotify:https://t.co/YyEYUM9yJ8
MANSCAPED @manscaped
60K Followers 6K Following Get The Lawn Mower® 5.0 Ultra trimmer and our other grooming essentials shipped worldwide👇
Hardik, from a safe d.. @somehardik
2K Followers 3K Following southpaw. I haven’t killed anybody... since 1984.
John Sakkas @JohnSakkas
1K Followers 5K Following Μπορώ να αντισταθώ στα πάντα εκτός από τον πειρασμό
Andy Richter @AndyRichter
1.0M Followers 2K Following @richtercommaandy on Instagram and Threads, Podcast: The Three Questions. And new Sirius XM Call-in show, link below for callers
John Graf @JohnGrafComedy
79 Followers 89 Following I used to dabble in stand up, just don't feel like starting a new account with a different handle.
(((Jack Canfora))) @JackCanfora
9K Followers 10K Following Playwright/Pro-Oxford Comma/Webby winner/ 2X Edgerton Award winner/Twitter’s least influential influencer/this account trolls fascists/BLM/AD @NewNormaRep
qǝlɐɔ @FunnyCBD
271 Followers 572 Following comedian - @joelistcomedy said he’d get me a role in the next Louis film.
Shirts That Go Hard R.. @MayorOfFartTown
3K Followers 1K Following I show my penis on Instagram. @hot_comic69 professional wroter
Danny Tran @DannyTranComedy
352 Followers 325 Following Stand up comedian. Comedy clip in the link below
Chelsea Onik @chelseaonik
481 Followers 2K Following Strategist for The Onion and formerly ClickHole and formerly The Onion
jerd @TeedleJay
397 Followers 333 Following Former newsman, current wind tech, future donut shop barfly. I’ll fix your phone if you drop it, but please tell me if it landed in the toilet.
🦌 Jim Deere 🦌 @JMSJHWK
384 Followers 932 Following Ingredio in meus calceos quod vos mos agnosco. Less cops, more crops.
Jeanne Goshe @beangoshe
685 Followers 1K Following (jee’-nee go’-shee) Contributor @reductress. Co-host @raisedwrongpod. Sit down comedian. I made those tiny hot dogs up there. She/her
Taylor Clark Comedy @TaylorClark123
395 Followers 561 Following Stand up clips, podcast episodes, and web series all available on YouTube.
Andy Lee Parker @AndyLeeParker1
10K Followers 8K Following Not it. Leaders? We don't need no stinking leaders. Let's lead ourselves to peace, equality, and prosperity together. ✍️💯🕊️🍉
Crunchwrap Supreme Cl.. @TweetsVanZandt
1K Followers 2K Following Garth Hudson in the streets / Rick Danko in the sheets || backwoodz studioz hacker for hire || venmo - jerseylightning
Comedy Roundtable @thecomedytable
4K Followers 3K Following Comedy Podcast. Interviews with comedians answering creative questions & exploring curious hypotheticals. On hiatus. Stay tuned.
Comedian With A Bar S.. @BarShowComedian
806 Followers 1 Following You can do my show if I can do yours. friend of @standupbooker
Leon Peter Blanda @LeonBlanda
773 Followers 504 Following Available now: HIGH M🌔ON (novel - horror/fantasy/Western). DOG YEARS (memoir - dark humor/coming-of-age)
Spunktanious Cumbusti.. @VSeabreezes
31 Followers 312 Following
Asif Ali @AasifAli45
745K Followers 81 Following Pakistan International Cricketer | Instagram:Asif9741 |
Mark Deska Ŧ🌮🌵.. @MDeskaTTU
2K Followers 3K Following Red Raiders, Astros, Texans, Rockets, Red Wings. Doesn't know as much as professional athletes or coaches, but occasionally has opinions
800 Pound Gorilla Med.. @800pgm
2K Followers 1K Following Improving the human experience through shared laughter 🦍
Rosie D. @rosie_one
187 Followers 644 Following
Dan Hirshon @dhirshon
364 Followers 187 Following Writer, Editor, Animator and Person who doesn't understand how to use Twitter
Brendan Townend @brendan_townend
189 Followers 525 Following Comedian ⭐️ Creator @savannah_of ⭐️ Cohost Savannah Comedy Underground Insta https://t.co/EDwSj6vWLf
Boast Rattle @BoastRattle
157 Followers 117 Following Comedic competitive compliment contest. Nice roasts. Created/hosted by @kyleayers. On @SirusXMComedy.
Matt Cobos @stupidmattcobos
999 Followers 715 Following Comedian. Aspiring child star. cobos patrick podcast w/ @patrickpiss All Socials: @stupidmattcobos dates at my website
Jeanna Kadlec @jeannakadlec
14K Followers 875 Following HERETIC: A MEMOIR (@harpercollins). writer; also an astrologer. ex-evangelical. Iowa raised. gay AF. she/her. https://t.co/1Rd9ygcLnG
Andrew Hilary 🇵�.. @AndrewHilaryUS
12K Followers 3K Following Future Dead Guy. Wholesome Ice Cream Man, Unhinged Comedian, Host of @WorstWeekYet@AndySandford Will be "happy to be here" in 10 years
If you're looking to change up your exercise routine, you can try doing your morning jog backwards.
i will be in atlanta this weekend and if i don't hear a remix of this by EOB tomorrow...
So, a Fulton County Commissioner was outted for having a sexual relationship w/ her Chief of Staff after they broke up & it was learned she put a tracking device on his car. If that was not enough to show that Atlanta is an unreal & unsophisticated place—Public Comment today…
I would have lots of nice things to say about the tonight show if they had booked me
When I moved here writing for late night was kind of the comedy job I had in mind as a career goal and since then I've met people with those jobs and they all seem like they have a different kind of scary dad they have to deal with all the time
EXCLUSIVE: Sixteen current and former staffers say Jimmy Fallon’s erratic behavior spoiled their “dream” of working on The Tonight Show. “You never knew which Jimmy we were going to get and when he was going to throw a hissy fit.” trib.al/i0Rsalb
When I was a kid, I thought I'd be dead by 30. Now that I'm almost 32, I'm afraid I'm going to live forever.
sup girl I went to two open mics and smoked zero cigarettes anything is possible
I’ve made another irresponsible purchase
Oh, melatonin promotes sleep? Buddy I'm not looking for sleep promotion. I don't need your help buying a sleep eventbrite ad or posting on the zZz's subreddit. Butts are in seats, we're all waiting. Get up on that big stage in my mind and knock me the fuck out.
Y’all quit lining up before the new bakery across the street opens every morning get a fucking life I’m trying to walk in and out. Goddamned interlopers
Stand up comedy is like the opposite of church bc the stories are true
My dog had a rib removed so it could catch its own tail
Maybe the best special taping I’ve been to, and I’m not just saying that because I was attacked by hornets at every other special taping I’ve been to
BAG OF TRICKS releases on Thursday, September 14 -- it’s my first stand-up special after 12 years of doing this. Thanks for your patience, you’re gonna love it.
Me after 15 minutes pointing to all the unclaimed mobile orders made while I'm still waiting for my in person order at Starbucks
sometimes i'll see a comic post an old clip from the john oliver new york standup show on comedy central and it makes me wish i had started comedy in 2004 so fucking bad
If every single person who wrote for The Golden Girls isn’t living on a private island with sand sculptures of the entire cast, the royalties situation is even more messed up than I thought. This number of jokes per episode should buy you a seafood buffet spaceship.
A group of 20 sorority girls just walked into the bar literal seconds before I was about to get cut.
“Ann Arbor” sounds like the name of a friendly tree who teaches kids about recycling and honestly that’s kind of the city’s vibe.
Doing standup in a gym, living the dream
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