schadenfreude @cakeandface
My whole life is one of those better left unsaid moments. Joined November 2012-
Tweets1K
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Followers832
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Following1K
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Likes4K
An inspirational haiku: Whatever the fuck Fuck it whatever fuck this Fucking whatever
I’m DTF D = Down T = To F = Find a new tv show to binge watch on Netflix
I wish I was full of pizza instead of crippling anxiety.
Thug life? No, more like Ugh life.
I’m DTF D = Down T = To F = Fucking sleep more than 4 hours
I spent $11 on grapes yesterday. Becoming an adult is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me.
Dads over 40 have to pat their stomach after every meal or they’ll die.
Good for you, people that sleep or get to nap. Good. For. You.
I don’t have a fast car or trendy clothes, but at least I don’t have to open my door at an ATM.
I know not all my tweets are funny but you know what? Not all your fucking selfies are cute either
If she eats wings with a fork she is not sucking your dick
my fave episode of the west wing was the one where the president went to his golf course and tweeted about football while people were dying
donald trump is a bottomless pit of disgrace. anybody who continues to defend him in even the tiniest way should be deeply humiliated
If you're wondering how much jalapeño popcorn a person can eat in one day, the answer is a lot more than I care to admit.
Me eating healthy: If it's in a bowl, and it's covered in ranch, it's a salad.
I've got skills. The type of skills only spoken about in hushed tones by Napoleon Dynamite types.
I'm not interested. Don't take offence though. I'm like that about everything.
Validation but for the online persona you've cultivated, not you.
Conflicted because I like porn but dislike hair gel and spray tans.
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