Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

Confess your sins anonymously - will the internet absolve you? 👖 Sponsored by @hebtroco - buy their lovely trousers 🩳 Buy *NEW* book https://t.co/opfREXuSjI bit.ly/add_confession Joined June 2018

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

49 minutes ago

I often microwave ice-cream for 10-13 seconds to create a perfect soft but not fully melted bowl of ice cream as I'm too lazy to just wait. Wife said if I ever do it in front of family she is divorcing me

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

2 hours ago

I'm from Thailand and I see people swimming in the sea when they're on holiday there. What they probably don't know is that many people scatter the ashes of their loved ones into the sea, often in tourist areas because you can easily hire a boat.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

3 hours ago

It's been two years since my dad died suddenly and i haven't felt the need to listen to his voicemails for a while. But I do let my mum's calls ring out occasionally, to keep her voice recent.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

4 hours ago

I'm a 42 year old bloke, just spent £400 at the Harry Potter shop at King's Cross after a business trip "for my nieces" now I have all the wands i wanted and a quidditch jumper. My neices aren't getting anything.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

5 hours ago

Kid went on her first residential so wife and I got some edibles for a day of spacing out. Her parents turned up just after we took them for a suprise visit. Her dad got onto what was happening and tried to leave but her mum stayed oblivious for two hours. Worst trip ever.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

6 hours ago

I avoid praising my husband when he helpfully carries out household chores as 99.9% of the time he will respond with 'well then, how are you going to repay me' with a leery wink. Sorry but you're not getting a blow job for emptying the dishwasher love.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

7 hours ago

Went to the dentist and still had hold of the safety glasses as we finished the appointment. Thought the dentist wanted to shake my hand so went half way in for it before realising he just wanted the glasses. Home dentistry from now on then.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

8 hours ago

Had athletes foot on my left toes for years that I've not sought treatment for because it feels actually orgasmic to scratch them after a long day. I like to take my sock and aggressively floss in between my toes, sometimes so hard it breaks the skin. Better than a wank.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

17 hours ago

When brushing his teeth, my boyfriend always lets the toothpaste run down the brush and onto his hand. He genuinely doesn't see the problem with it. Considered leaving him over it

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

18 hours ago

Used to keep a tally, by gender, of people who thanked me when I gave way to them while driving. Had to stop when the wife got pissed off realising that on average 58% more men said thank you compared to women.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

19 hours ago

The lights in the loos at my new office are motion-activated, and deactivate after about 10 minutes. I am now proficient at wiping in the dark. No skid marks so far.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

20 hours ago

Had to hurriedly get dressed mid-shag and answer the door to my local councillor out canvassing. Good job I didn't send his wife down to answer it, I suppose.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

21 hours ago

Wife and I got engaged in Paris in 2019. Had planned to visit Notre Dame as part of itinerary but didn't quite get round to it. We said don't worry Notre Dame's not going anywhere. Two months later? Razed to the ground.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

22 hours ago

Got a nasty sunburn with some recent sunshine. Started peeling and found it annoying to do it myself. However, the dog is loving it, so I just let it lick it off on its own. Felt weird at first, but got used to it.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

22 hours ago

It's time for YOU to confess. Maybe you're in love with leather gloves? Add your confession to the form: bit.ly/fessholeform BTW: Sponsored by @hebtroco - buy their clothes

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

23 hours ago

Friend wanted to be a pop star. I sang on his demo as a favour but couldn't be arsed. It ended up being a minor hit. Now I hear my out of tune backing vocals in the supermarket every few months.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

24 hours ago

We've got a Birmingham date for FESSHOLE LIVE, 18th Sept at @HockleySocialCl. This is almost a home-coming gig for us and the first time in the West Midlands. Also available Northampton, Durham & Brighton --> sites.google.com/view/fesshole

Giddy Aunt Comedy @GiddyAuntComedy

a day ago

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

24 hours ago

More of a general fess - people with innie belly buttons generally don't wash their belly buttons, which means they are HONKING. Don't believe me? Put your finger in yours, wiggle it, then take a sniff.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

a day ago

When I'm out at the pub or a restaurant when I come back from the toilet, I always wring my hands to make it look like I'm getting rid of the remaining water after washing. I never wash my hands.

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Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole

a day ago

Office worker by day, failed commedian by night. I've made up about 6 stories and sent them to Fesshole just to try and get some laughs and likes. None were published. Even my made up life is too boring apparently.