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Tweets12K
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Followers566
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Following203
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Likes15K
@ascendingcarl My apologies for the tardiness 😉
Underneath this hard shell of an exterior is a kind man with an even harder shell. I am indestructible, bitch.
Hey kid...catch *Lebron tosses kid his headband* *Kid tosses it back* Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
[waking from a coma] Doctor: what’s the last thing you remember? Me: “I...I...I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances fin-“ *doctor smothers me with a pillow*
@ilovejewlia Hahaha yaaass #wekilledahealthinspector #diezombie
@ilovejewlia What it‘s just an ordinary krabby OH MY GOODNESS
@DanMentos That makes me depresscito. Alright see ya later
FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YO
EARTHQUAKE! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! "Dude that's if you're on fire" OH CRAP *jumps in bathtub* "That's for a tornado" *plays dead* "Bear att-
@murrman5 Excuse me sir which way to the lemur dick exhibit
[bursts into KFC] COLONEL WE'RE GOING TO WAR "He isn't a real-" *head pops out of the potato wedges* "BATTLE STATIONS YOU CARNIVOROUS LOONS"
Blood soaked carpets. Glass crunching beneath my feet. "We got a motive?" Chief asks. Hidden amongst the rubble, a single klondike wrapper.
[Drivers test] "So did I pass?" No "But why?" You put your arms over your head and yelled "look no hands" 13 times "Was that not enough?"
[girls gossping] "I bet he's thinking about you right now" *camera flashes to guys hanging out* Dude look, I can make a dragon with my hands
[on a date] Honey I need to ask you something... *gets down on one knee* How's my "thinking man" pose? *puts elbow on knee and fist on chin*
[on date] You know what I like to do on the first date? "What's that?" *leans in, violently clears table* ARM WRESTLE *slams elbow down*
*mom knocks on door* "What's going on in there? I thought I heard tweeting" Uh um just doing homework *stuffs hand written tweets in drawer*
For sale: Racecar bed -Low miles -No urine stains(okay 1 stain) -Does not run Asking for friendship or best offer(please be my friend)
Jimothy @glum_and_fun
2K Followers 619 Following
Fallough @fallough98837
15 Followers 934 Following
Funny Tweeter @thefunnytweeter
11K Followers 4K Following If we retweet you, that means your tweet was published in https://t.co/Sjvvd3oshD. To submit a tweet, mention @thefunnytweeter
Making Things Worse @MkingThngsWorse
10 Followers 173 Following Phone booth salesmen. We make videos and music! If you see @funseanfun and this account talking, it's just Sean talking to himself.
Life Hacker @NikitaNikki00
263 Followers 2K Following #Traveller | #follow me and I'll follow you back
Cori Lyn @clynwill22
67 Followers 293 Following Child Protective Investigator || Saint Leo University Alumni
Late Night @lnconfessions_
215 Followers 2K Following (.)(.) we also take photoshop requests. give us anything and we will make it happen.
Xx_Giovannyzwag_xX @Giovanny_zwag
527 Followers 2K Following Hola ❤ Me gusta la Electronica Y me encantan los videojuegos .
Mark Wainwright III @markwainwright3
140 Followers 177 Following Instagram/Snapchat/TikTok/Threads: @markwainwright3
Penis Butt-Vagina @TommyFuckapples
57 Followers 766 Following
Prison Mike @HeyMrScott
760 Followers 3K Following Bringing you only the greatest Michael Scott moments.
amandaa @amandaaaxloveyy
68 Followers 342 Following
Diana Sanchez @sanchez_diana1
31 Followers 298 Following artists,music is my heart & sports is my love♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
7 @comiconcutie
234 Followers 1K Following
gil @best_goldfish
26 Followers 405 Following i swim amongst doing other things such as sucking on small rocks and spitting them out
Giovana @svnask4_giovana
95 Followers 1K Following
Mystic Future @futuremystic1
133 Followers 1K Following
polls @ayyypolls
40 Followers 588 Following
Dog Facts @ActualDogFacts
20 Followers 111 Following
DarbySpink @DarbySpink
89 Followers 711 Following I'M BIG FAN OF CRICKET Ahmed shehzad IS MY FAVOURITE CRICKTER !!!
Sterling @sterlingbubz
425 Followers 436 Following
user @ripmoiatbigben
4 Followers 107 Following
Davis @r0b0tdavis
174 Followers 571 Following
FarmersOnly.gov @TheCarl48
275 Followers 628 Following Aquarium Enthusiast, Paranormal Investigator. (he/him)
Two Hungry Guys @two_hungry_guys
117 Followers 996 Following .....we're just..... two hungry guys.....
AU @anant13u
141 Followers 749 Following
mike ginn @shutupmikeginn
186K Followers 1K Following writer/producer/poster DM for a photo of my most recent meal
beef quigley ☭ @beefharmony
1K Followers 145 Following voted third-best twitter account in my apartment building | please do not perceive me | blm & acab | he/they
Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13
18K Followers 780 Following Jokes on the web. I RT a lot of funny things. Big hit with moms.
chuuch @ch000ch
175K Followers 426 Following
Jimothy @glum_and_fun
2K Followers 619 Following
Dan Duvall @DanDuvallComedy
30K Followers 2K Following Standup Comic and former guy who uses Twitter
Brian Gaar @briangaar
72K Followers 2K Following https://t.co/z1EDZmqdBo Bluesky: https://t.co/XkLVhTtCfv Read my stuff at: https://t.co/e9CGIwhVgN
slick @dlicj
30K Followers 337 Following
here's your reminder @tinycarebot
121K Followers 2 Following please take a break! for a personal reminder, please tweet me! (bot-in-progress by @jonnysun) (current av: apples, james marion shull, 1912, c/o @pomological)
Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22
27K Followers 4K Following I type words on my home computer and then, using an internet connection, I post those words to the world wide web. Also, an Elementary School Principal.
steve suckington @SteveSuckington
26K Followers 651 Following There are things I enjoy. I'm a mediocre wordsmith but a master turdsmith.
Paperback Paradise @paprbckparadise
196K Followers 14 Following The world's #1 used book store. Come visit us at the edge of eternity.
Tom Bowen @ImTomBowen
124 Followers 142 Following Perspective is reality. Change your perspective and you change the world.
Skrillex @Skrillex
4.9M Followers 1K Following
Mark Wainwright III @markwainwright3
140 Followers 177 Following Instagram/Snapchat/TikTok/Threads: @markwainwright3
Creed Bratton @creedbratton
215K Followers 69 Following There are many things I've learned and even more that I've forgotten. Maybe this will help me keep track.
Fred MyLeg @foxygrandpa62
164K Followers 65 Following a Spongebob fan account critically acclaimed for accuracy (& vocal inflections) run by @peterjmarshall & @torijeanine...cuz no one else would GIVE it a home
sweaty five dollars @iscoff
14K Followers 535 Following I am an Online Man full of DIGITAL SUGGESTIONS. getting dumber all the tjme
Doc Emrick @DocInRealLife
31K Followers 71 Following Doc Emrick in real life situations. Admit it, you read all of these tweets in Doc's voice. *Parody Account*
@marygillis.bsky.soci... @living_marble
7K Followers 343 Following she/her writer/editor @thebeaverton I'm not here, but you can find me in the bright Bluesky: https://t.co/uEEvmXdbPi
Kristen Drum @kristendrum
4K Followers 815 Following she/her 📸🎶Cool mom/Music Photographer for Live Nation, AEG +more!
ceej @ceejoyner
38K Followers 259 Following
frankie spegnolo @FrankieSpegnolo
36 Followers 108 Following
nobody @BlackCheesePie
4K Followers 3K Following Running out of characterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
inappropriate mom @nicfit75
21K Followers 5K Following Mad Libs champ. I’m only here to post memes for my friend, Jess.
ErPo @VampireIguana
1K Followers 588 Following Nice guy, likes to blow people up ; Header by @beesthegame , Avi by @Captain_Crabby
ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵�... @flashember
11K Followers 438 Following the immortal wildebeest clatters on and on and on /avi by @fro_vo header by @DocHackenbush
Butt @ButtCounts
132 Followers 184 Following
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