Funny Tweeter @thefunnytweeter
If we retweet you, that means your tweet was published in http://t.co/PGa2xGXP. To submit a tweet, use http://t.co/dgSEBxyE funnytweeter.com Joined June 2012-
Tweets134K
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Followers12K
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Following4K
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Likes11K
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day? Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming. Kid: huh? Me: I said, when we went to the park.
@Pandamoanimum Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend. 'Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!' Realising later that I'd actually texted, 'Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!'
"What do we want?" "Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts." "When do we want it?" "Not!"
(driving in a bad neighborhood) me: *slowly locks my door* murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Personal trainer: What's your goal? Me :To pet all the dogs... Trainer:No your fitness goal Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
firefox refused to restore my session that i've had going for 2+ years.... over 7k tabs down the drain....
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world 1/2
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you've grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist. Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, "I'm not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?".
Another day another dollar. ~ World's slowest counterfeiter
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He's very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
McDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️
Village Person @SvnSxty
31K Followers 4K Following If you support ethnic cleansing, kindly fuck off 😊 Find me and follow me @SvnSxty on all platforms. my tweets ⤵️
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1M
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.
@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
President Warren G. H.. @PopeAwesomeXIII
13K Followers 2K Following Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! https://t.co/Igf16XkzWv ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
Jason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil
17K Followers 4K Following Screenwriter and fart joke enthusiast Popular tweets: https://t.co/cVlfPJFRBK
John Stapleton @JohnSta13351453
0 Followers 1 Following
annoying orange @Buster69Swag
48 Followers 191 Following cat enthusiast, piano dilettante, cashier, flat earther.
CFP @CFPAZ1978
0 Followers 31 Following
Nique Bakunin @nicrux
250 Followers 293 Following Son | Brother | Father| @Arsenal fan| Web Developer| Health Management Information Systems Practitioner| #TeamMursik #TeamFollowback
Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes
5K Followers 5K Following Foxy half of @PatAndMath. Views mine unless they’re yours, then, snap! if you like it then you shoulda put a RT on it. Watch this. https://t.co/S0HTRqFxDd
mpc4000 @mpc40001
5 Followers 46 Following
Late to the party Lau.. @ericamorecambe
4K Followers 1K Following I’m not sure that it’s me who’s late or you who is early. On IG with same name. Also https://t.co/JnR26LsGSQ
Mr. Clean Comedy @MrCleanComedy
66 Followers 260 Following Follow for all kinds of humor, one liners, puns, and dad jokes. But, like, not the dirty ones. 🧼🤣
Arunachalite @arunachalite
3K Followers 481 Following Geopolitics, History, Anthropology, Genetics, Diet and Nutrition Enthusiast.
Thomas Pare @ThomasPare7
44 Followers 48 Following
chells.Bells @ClE60762
110 Followers 847 Following dribble and nonsense!!!! old account (that was binned) Mzmalarkee anyone remembers me give me a follow ☺
Steve shaw @Stevesh60535170
14 Followers 25 Following
Bill Chopik @Chops310
5K Followers 4K Following CHOP-ick. Associate Professor of Social/Personality Psychology at Michigan State University My opinions do not reflect the views and opinions of my employer.
Yikes is my catchphra.. @rubiks_kubed
469 Followers 551 Following Word nerd, candle addict, chocolate removal specialist. My home bar is constantly stocked. Tweets could be fact or fiction
Dadding Around @DaddingAround
14K Followers 5K Following Just an ordinary dad of two, husband of one, pointing out the funny (and ridiculous) side of parenting. Winner of zero awards. Moderately funny 65% of the time.
JasonWRHurst @jasonwrhurst
2K Followers 1K Following Author. Debut novel "Evolution Knows No Master" now available. "Reading Opens Worlds" https://t.co/peYTW86vUa Self-Published https://t.co/514v6luINM
Tina Matthews @TinaMatthe4545
0 Followers 6 Following
aslı @llaslill
0 Followers 18 Following
Marty @martyvdh
20 Followers 132 Following
BradfordWoehrle @BradfordWo55804
73 Followers 2K Following
Katspaks @katspaks
7K Followers 5K Following I see the world through morose colored glasses. My mouth is foul; but my breath, minty fresh. https://t.co/DIRN92aNoW
rab livingstone @rablivingstone
12K Followers 947 Following It's only the thoughts that manage to escape that make it here, some should never have made it out.
𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃.. @im_all_id
6K Followers 1K Following middling jokes & existential dread // been seen in a meme
Idoctrination Exposed @EITC_Official
43K Followers 1K Following Indoctrination Bird Dog | Providing receipts that refute, “it’s not happening.” Videos belong to their respective owners.
greytshirtnotalways @greytshirtmaybe
494 Followers 333 Following Game Producer | Building game teams | Finder of funny things | Conversations are like caffeine
✌🏻 Michelle Blan.. @smarts_is_sexy
2K Followers 1K Following #MommytoanAngel #StonerFam #Empath #DogMommy #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Weirdo #Adorkable @chicagobears @Vol_Football @Braves @nyrangers also @crazyptsdchic
Gray Wolf @uskudarl_312319
228 Followers 692 Following ⚓️ You sank the ship, and I burned the port. That's it…
Gemma 💫☕️ @gemc888
3K Followers 2K Following I like mountains, physics, and good times. “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way”- Voltaire. No DMs.
Yo Llama 🦙 @YoGrace77
1K Followers 2K Following Wiseass•Hockey Extremist•Blazer of Weed•Beard Fan Club•Vintage FuckerUpper•Music is My Everything•2nd Time Rookie Drummer•MMJ 💨😈🏒🇺🇸🥁🎶🎣
Daring Dutch @LieveArjan
234 Followers 763 Following Spielerei...that's all In my defense...Dutch boomer and...don't like my comments "because you have to"....and, I follow people I like, not asking for followers.
Jordan @TEXAS_GOONER14
991 Followers 758 Following The best American you've never met. Dm's are always open. Never hesitate to reach out.
Andi @smiles_and_nods
415 Followers 243 Following Andi 2.0 Lost everyone during my Twitter sabbatical. please follow again.
Nath Honey @NathanHoney
182 Followers 883 Following Dreamer. Sarcasm bringer. Taxi driver. Washing Machine. Exquisite fist-bumper. Terrahawks mentally scarred me.
ItsScotty__ @TaxmanScott
384 Followers 1K Following Ubisoft Creator, Twitch Affiliate, Dark Souls veteran, and Twitch mod. Yes I'm the play it it's free on Gamepass guy. Twitch: itsscotty__
CelestialDiablo @CelestialDiablo
245 Followers 655 Following
jonnyrotten @Rottentothecaw
223 Followers 672 Following Carrion. Carry on. Not a real crow. Just a parody crow.
biscuit @ClarkWGrisman
53 Followers 242 Following
Tytee @Tytee721065
60 Followers 257 Following To feel, to love, to suffer, to devote herself will always be the text of the life of a woman.
impotent joe @crankomanous
82 Followers 275 Following Here to post and kick ass, and I'm all out of ass.
Pedro @PedroCespedes97
25 Followers 363 Following
mm h @asskbgytio
343 Followers 2K Following
dearanyone @syracusefunny
3 Followers 107 Following
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is.
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
Village Person @SvnSxty
31K Followers 4K Following If you support ethnic cleansing, kindly fuck off 😊 Find me and follow me @SvnSxty on all platforms. my tweets ⤵️
Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1M
Trey @treydayway
41K Followers 6K Following *Something profound* - @treydayway https://t.co/c64nfwFO1X
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.
@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
Stone @StoneAgeRadio13
9K Followers 2K Following Big smartass, small pond. Based on true events and other bullshit I made up. https://t.co/zWj3lHItCn
fredesque @FredTaming
27K Followers 891 Following black & trans lives matter | stop asian hate | 🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️ friendly | he/him | fka taming fr*d s*vage |
Crockett Houghton @CrockettForReal
29K Followers 925 Following Your Princess is in another castle. ⤵️
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
ListClean @listclean_xyz
283 Followers 1K Following AI-Driven Email Verification Service with 98% Accuracy
Linus Tech Tips @LinusTech
1.8M Followers 349 Following The official Twitter of the Linus Tech Tips and Techquickie YouTube channels. https://t.co/HS5VbvfvTW // https://t.co/XF9yGyRnUA // https://t.co/WknsV27wdD
ORIGIN PC @ORIGINPC
1.1M Followers 1K Following Fully Customizable PCs | Custom. High-Performance. 24/7 Support.
King Glouis XI @king_glouis_XI
1K Followers 371 Following bed wenches, get schillings || avi by @russissippi
Bourbon Bomb @SwtBourbonKiss
18K Followers 8K Following Just living the imperfect life. Laughter, Whiskey, Pets, and potholes.
Robo Justin (update s.. @justinmatic5000
2K Followers 2K Following Sometimes funny on purpose. Not Y2k24 Compliant. Married to a hot robot, so no dms unless you are @RoboEllen or have an exciting offer about oil changes.
👉❤️Pamsacola M.. @PMiffed
729 Followers 380 Following Subsidiary of Pamco. Yes. It's me, but over here I swear. It's fine. Fun. Funyuns. Sure, I'm other places. Baby, I'm everywhere.
Tippi Hedren Collider @linanneblack
5K Followers 3K Following I'm not spending time here anymore since this cursed app started showing me fan videos of actual murders.
Greg One Leg @Greg_1_Leg
9K Followers 3K Following I’m Greg and I have one leg. It’s the most interesting thing about me.
natalayhehoo @highprobably1
38K Followers 3K Following This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life. Taken not stirred.
WhitePeoplesProblems @WhiteFolkProbs
96K Followers 76K Following Think you have problems? My butler took today off...
Lila Anderson @LilaAnderson200
1K Followers 4K Following Part of #TheResistance. Fierce democrat. Staunch LGBTQ ally. Voracious reader. Reluctant emoji user.
mariana Z @mariana057
110K Followers 38K Following I’m not a comedian, but I joke a lot. I steal the good jokes. Bad jokes are mine. https://t.co/vuTppu9Ipm Resist. NO DMS. https://t.co/NYnPEaUuzV🌊🌊
Generative AI Workspa.. @goJedaAi
8K Followers 208 Following Empower your creativity with https://t.co/X4Wzbh5oO1's Generative AI Workspace Canvas. Unleash the future of collaboration and data-driven decisions. 🚀 #generativeai #aitool
The Hidden Snacks Mam.. @hiddensnacksma
1K Followers 560 Following 🇨🇦 Snacks taste better when they come out of hiding 🤫 Mom of 3 Tweet muses 🐣
Arry Pottah🇨🇦 @13murphy66
8K Followers 7K Following Fitness freak: I burn calories by jogging my memory.
🌜🤷♂️ �.. @raoulvilla
5K Followers 3K Following Husband father of 4. Wu Tang name is Tha Nappa. Parody, not a real moon. As seen on https://t.co/9fhkEMkr1v https://t.co/1vrml28KE3 the weekly church bulletin
stupid® @kik_stupid
4K Followers 4K Following ramblings... born with a golden foot in the mouth! my tweets r just garbage. I'd unfollow me... but then again, I do RT a lot. quite a lot!
Bre @fullofmomsense
2K Followers 714 Following Humor is my coping mechanism | Boymom x2 | GIFs are my love language | more on insta @fullofmomsense | 👀 @today_parents @huffpost @ohbubble @boredpanda
MommyingHard @MommyingHard
4K Followers 1K Following Working mom in her 30s trying to hold it together. 2 kids, 3 if counting husband, 2 dogs. Sharing your daily dose of mom-edy moments.
s͓̽l͓̽i͓̽c͓̽k.. @itsmenicolie
8K Followers 2K Following the baddest in town || stay tuned for my shitshow || surviving stage 3 mets cancer https://t.co/D4D7QtlVtT
🇺🇸Rock Me SAMad.. @SamRC1987
9K Followers 10K Following Senior Copyeditor ✏️❌ | Puzzle Solver 🧩 | History Enthusiast 📜 | Avid Reader 📚 | Aspiring Author 🖋️ | Coffee Epicure ☕ | Verified Nerd 🤓 | '90s Kid 🎮📼💾
tHe debSTeR ❄️☃.. @the_one_debster
2K Followers 2K Following -- understated optimist -- 👧♏️ Also here: https://t.co/n11cNjUNIT and TheDebster on the elephant site
mike☺︎ (joke f.. @PhilipJFried
5K Followers 3K Following Once described as "like a cool dude" | not worth getting to know | sad clown | https://t.co/KrrLsxBmbQ
inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
19K Followers 7K Following Public menace. Bog Witch. Level 58 Trainwreck. Costco Gold Star Member.
Dulce Garcia @candi72447
243 Followers 320 Following
MassShootingTracker @massshootingtrk
15K Followers 1K Following Official Twitter account for the Mass Shooting Tracker at https://t.co/QsnCp1oVD0
Fuck You I Quit @fuckyouiquit
498K Followers 310 Following The labor market is a mess. Here to show you why. Highlighting workers conflict with poor management, corporate greed, bad business, and the economy.
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
15K Followers 974 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!
Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2
4K Followers 3K Following I say things ✨NYC mom✨writer @mcsweeneys @slackjawhumor @huffpost @the_belladonnas @scarymommy @littleoldlady__ @ummuddy @havencomedy @frazzledhumor
Frank Mwiti @mwiti_frank
1K Followers 4K Following Rallying the best teams to solve Africa's complex challenges.
S̲uper H̲uman A̲ut.. @_indica_sky
45K Followers 2K Following
cella @cellapaz
11K Followers 2K Following i’m probably eating soup. seen on @huffpost @buzzfeed @todayshow
Satirical Mommy @SatiricalMommy
6K Followers 577 Following Sleep deprived boy mom. Jennifer Garner liked my tweet. Seen on @scarymommy, @huffpost, @buzzfeed, @todayparents & more. | Scary Mommy Content Creator
no babe, my light bright picture of danny divito stays on during sex
A dark day for parents is when their child learns the meaning of "hypocrite.”
At 43 I should know better than to play Frisbee in the house while drinking red wine over a white rug , but yet here I am on my knees cleaning said wine from said white rug
@PleaseBeGneiss [at the auction] ME (thinking): I can save us big money on breakfast.
So I came out the house at 5 am this morning to check if the car was frozen and I saw this bloke leaning on a wall with a walking stick I thought he must be out of breath just came out the door now at 6 40 and he's still there I shouted mate you alright then go no reply I walked…
I wouldn’t tell anyone I’d won the lottery, but there would be signs…
‘A FUCKIN’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’ I love her
i dated a guy in the 90s who would go to thrift stores and take the forgotten tapes out of the answering machines. we would go smoke cigarettes and listen to them. that was living, that was living!
I have way more respect for & interest in that kind of painting tbh
@Kristen_Arnett For a second, I thought you meant they were both reading a book you wrote and this was the ultimate compliment. Sorry it's the other thing.
WHY THE FUCK ARE CHIP BAGS SO DEEP? YOU TRYING TO SHAME OUR FAT ASSES WITH GREASY FOREARMS? HUH? GIVE US WIDE BAGS. THAT RESEAL OR GIVE US DEATH, I'M FINE WITH EITHER.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist. Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Twenty seven years ago this week, I started at “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” and gradually began creating the World’s Messiest Desk.
My kid only likes Granny Smith apples. I got pink lady the other day. She took a bite, didn’t like it. So i did a little curtsy and a kissy face. I said “these are pink ladys, for the prettiest of little ladys” and then she said she liked the apple and ate it.
me: oh cool this concert is only $25 ticketmaster: bitch you thought
Just paid the garbage bill. I know you’re not interested, but it’s just so much easier for me to post my memos here than to switch between apps.
I just dropped $12 at Taco Bell just for me. When I was in college $12 worth of Taco Bell would feed everyone you knew.
@OFalafel I don't get that post - it doesn't make cents.
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