John H. Beers III 🐀 @Bedlam_Beersie
I'm the kind of guy who could still be laughing while a federal joint task force raids my compound. CR 5 threat for low-level adventures. Avi by @popartcartoonz twitter.com/search?q=From%… Los Angeles, CA Joined October 2015-
Tweets68K
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy? ME: yes MK: and this old iPhone 4 box? ME: yes MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too? ME: yes MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it? ME: yes
Do you think coffins sound like big maracas during an earthquake?
Me feel sad because me no got cookies. But me feel good because me got me. And me not so bad! 💙
sit in the balcony of the muppet theater and heckle the performers
sit in the balcony of the muppet theater and heckle the performers
on the road behind sideshow bob this morning
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
“Thanks, man. Where was I? Oh yeah, so it was December, and I just wanted to get out of the cold. I knocked on some random guy's door. I’m tellin’ ya, dude was out of his friggin' mind! He kept asking me a bunch of super weird questions and whining about some chick named Lenore."
The guy she tells you not to worry about.
i think about how amelia bedelia would do bottomless mimosas more than i care to admit.
The owl outside my window keeps me awake at night with its incessant “Who, who”-ing. So, after years of dedication and research, I have finally invented a machine to translate the owl’s language. Now instead of “who, who,” I hear it asking me “why, why?”
(2040) Them: What the hell is that?! Me: That’s a book. Them: Oh sorry, I was raised in Florida in the 2020’s, we didn’t have those
Dolly Parton as Book Covers: Thread
I love reading literally any book except the one I need to read for book club this month
I once told an 8th grade student that I wanted to read his mom’s books sometime, not even knowing what she wrote. It’s been 14 years & I still think about how I told a middle schooler that I wanted to read his mom’s erotic novels.
• BOOK TWEET CALL • Send us UP TO 3 tweets MAX about BOOKS! Likes, Retweets, etc. Winners will be 🏆’d later. Ends at 8PM EST. ✨ Judges and tweets below: @meantomyself @Tobi_Is_Fab @RiotGrlErin
Pirate: oh no, the song of the siren Siren: Eeeooo Eeeooo, beep beep beep AWOOOOGAHHH Pirate: [pulling over]
Classic Peabnuts
Imagine, if you will, a tiny truck with donuts for wheels. And the back is full of donuts. And also the driver is a tiny man made of donuts. “Who ordered the donut truck?” he would say with a grin and doff his cap*. (*also a donut)
Happy Alien Day! I did these two some 7 and 8 years ago respectively
My body: Water Me: Coffee? My body: Noooo. Water please. Me: Coffee!!!
.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks
8K Followers 3K Following Keeping it funny on Twitter since its early days as a radio show. My tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Z2tnWjzeDx
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.
President Warren G. H.. @PopeAwesomeXIII
13K Followers 2K Following Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! https://t.co/Igf16XkzWv ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
He Called Me Greenhor.. @WhatsAGreenhorn
9K Followers 3K Following He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
Daveastated @Daveastated
7K Followers 1K Following Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong* I only sleep to give my phone a break
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Nate Limit Exceeded @.. @perlhack
22K Followers 6K Following @natesmith.jawns.club homeless pirate. sustainable, carbon-neutral tweets. butterfly whisperer. official soup taster. likes LEGOs BLM. He/Him.
Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1M
DamnFineTweet @damnfinetweet
13K Followers 3K Following RIP DamnFineTweet 8/7/2019-4/27/2023 thank you for 85000 trophies and a million good vibes. I'll miss you!
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
Pru @prufrockluvsong
20K Followers 2K Following humorisht | situation misunderstander | word maker upper | bit prolonger
Lily-may Chilson @ChilsonMay15116
68 Followers 5K Following
Loreta Stergios @stergio_lore
33 Followers 5K Following
Sodapop Stardust @sodapopstardust
98 Followers 258 Following Never let anyone know what you're truly capable of. Being underestimated gives you a tremendous advantage. Having knowledge does not excuse you from hard work.
Lajuana Albery @lajuana53004
65 Followers 5K Following
Karmen Kappe @KappeKarme67701
79 Followers 5K Following
Niyah Scroggin @NiyScrog
54 Followers 5K Following
My name is Andy @saboutime9
737 Followers 593 Following I wonder what I should put here. I mean, who am I in the big scheme of things anyway? 🇺🇸
laurel jenny @LaurelJenny_
446 Followers 567 Following sweet loving and caring person. Down to earth but still above you
De La Joe Is Dead @perryperihelion
917 Followers 1K Following I’m up here for the weirdo swarm. Physical media collector. Saints/Pelicans/Reds fan.
Lorilee Fitzgerald @LorileeFit8686
75 Followers 5K Following
Clara George kate @clara_geor51819
2 Followers 154 Following Clara George Kate living life to the fullest at Dallas Texas🤩💋
Lorie Mallow @lorie_mall
25 Followers 5K Following
milk but passed the d.. @but_milk
1K Followers 5K Following out of jail for shitting on a car (on hood) at Hess gas and someone spraypainted my dog pink . life has just pissed directly into my eyes and mouth and tonsils
ɱissy♡ @xoMISSYox
3K Followers 726 Following Mᴏsᴛʟʏ ʜᴀʀᴍʟᴇss •🪦• Hᴏɴᴇsᴛʟʏ, ɴᴇᴠᴇʀᴍɪɴᴅ. 🖤 Nᴏ ʟɪғᴇ Oᴠᴇʀᴡᴀᴛᴄʜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴇʀ - sometimes i draw @xmssyx
Elisha Arab @elisha_ar
91 Followers 5K Following
Yan Hollings @YHollings86226
74 Followers 5K Following
Lana Cromack @CromackLan10875
75 Followers 5K Following
Doc Johnny Fever🎙 @NikiMarinis
6K Followers 2K Following Weird Girl🔮Co-host of @LyricalCrimes podcast 🎤 Writer of dating & relationship comedy gold 💋📝 “You’re a Gen-X wet dream” - @MickeyBlowtorch
Madeline Popa @madel_po
93 Followers 5K Following
Ron the Robot 🇸�.. @robot_ron
581 Followers 6K Following “I think, therefore I am” — René Descartes. ~~~~ Just a regular human being behind an avatar. Trying to generate life, honesty, and humor. From the Bay to LA
Whitney Wood Alva @WoodWhitne40665
149 Followers 2K Following try to catch up...sailing ⛵️ ⏳️ I'm sweet soul ❤️😍⚓️⚓️ arts 🎨 🇺🇸 #MAGA 🇺🇸 #MAGA 🇺🇸 tiktok : wwhitomf535
Morag Marcheski @MarcheskiM8767
90 Followers 5K Following
Zatari green @ZGreen14695
91 Followers 1K Following
Funny Snarky Humor @FUNNYsnarkyJOKE
9K Followers 2K Following I like 2 make light of things 2 brighten up a dark world. #funny #humor #satire #snarky #memes #humour #hilarious
Caitlyn Ragle @RaCaitl
51 Followers 5K Following
Julienne Moisan @JulienneMo72893
74 Followers 5K Following
Kassie Love @KassieLove64285
103 Followers 5K Following
TwoTinyMice🐭🐁 @twotinymice
1K Followers 691 Following Manic Pixie Scream Girl ❤️😍🔪 Vietnamese-American 🇻🇳💖🇺🇸 Spooky 🧟♀️ MST3k 🌔 Sci-Fi 🚀 Niceness 💚 Please be quiet baby sleeping. 🤫🍼😴
NotThatKaren @karenme1965
3K Followers 4K Following I loathe tfg and every rethuglican that enabled him, and every person who still supports him. Blue no matter who, all the way down. 😷💉🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️✊🏿🌊 🇺🇦
Lumi🌙✨ @lattelume
145 Followers 150 Following
Queeny Grace @QueenyGrac80092
9 Followers 625 Following
Selina Herrold @HerrSel
57 Followers 5K Following
Emily @DSoldatke10362
151 Followers 2K Following I want to accompany a gentleman to travel around the world. If you like me, then you can send me a private message!
brittneycarter @itsbrittneyca
118 Followers 4K Following Expert Binary Trader 📊 10years experience Trade Binary Option Here And Develop Your Income 💰💹 and earn extra cash Dm Me For Updates now 📩
cry me a river @cr1_m3_rivers
3K Followers 4K Following she/her 🌮 , Tarheel alum 🐏 , Democrat 🫏 , citizen of planet 🌎, believer in 🥰, seeker of ⚖️, stoic 🏛, INFP-A 🧠, adoptee 🍼& here for the long haul, y’all.
Demi-leigh April @DemiApril9372
81 Followers 5K Following
Marie rose @Marierosey921
513 Followers 2K Following Follow me and I’ll follow back. I love you ❤️😘💕 y’all
Hulda Canan @HuldaC1096
88 Followers 5K Following
Willow Wilmeth @WillowWilm30651
70 Followers 5K Following
Giselle Toni @gisel_ton
25 Followers 5K Following
.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •
SneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.
Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks
8K Followers 3K Following Keeping it funny on Twitter since its early days as a radio show. My tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Z2tnWjzeDx
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.
President Warren G. H.. @PopeAwesomeXIII
13K Followers 2K Following Commercially Inviable. ✌️ 29th US President (1921-1923) 🧐 Tip jar! https://t.co/Igf16XkzWv ❤ He/Him 👍 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏴☠️ ❤️ See pinned for migration info
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
He Called Me Greenhor.. @WhatsAGreenhorn
9K Followers 3K Following He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
ADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]
NurseBrianRN @rn_murse
19K Followers 825 Following Singer-Songscreamer I Gay Homosexual I Pubic Figure | Fourth Thing
Daveastated @Daveastated
7K Followers 1K Following Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong* I only sleep to give my phone a break
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Nate Limit Exceeded @.. @perlhack
22K Followers 6K Following @natesmith.jawns.club homeless pirate. sustainable, carbon-neutral tweets. butterfly whisperer. official soup taster. likes LEGOs BLM. He/Him.
Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1M
DamnFineTweet @damnfinetweet
13K Followers 3K Following RIP DamnFineTweet 8/7/2019-4/27/2023 thank you for 85000 trophies and a million good vibes. I'll miss you!
Bronwyn @softcorgamegirl
3K Followers 787 Following She/her. I swing both ways, violently with an axe. I am into a wide variety of geekery. Nerdy, Flirty and a little bit dirty. https://t.co/MPKyUcoPK8
Andy “Brak & other .. @amerrill2
24K Followers 700 Following I am Brak. Shut up. I am. I like food and watching TV. I’m so much fun, I make myself puke. I have a 57-year old bladder. I share too much about myself.
ɱissy♡ @xoMISSYox
3K Followers 726 Following Mᴏsᴛʟʏ ʜᴀʀᴍʟᴇss •🪦• Hᴏɴᴇsᴛʟʏ, ɴᴇᴠᴇʀᴍɪɴᴅ. 🖤 Nᴏ ʟɪғᴇ Oᴠᴇʀᴡᴀᴛᴄʜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴇʀ - sometimes i draw @xmssyx
Witty🇵🇸 NIGHT T.. @WittleGoblin
3K Followers 1K Following #NightThirst creator 🦇🌈 @twitch and @youtube partner into game design, kitbashing, painting, gaming, cosplaying I Email 💌 [email protected]
Everyday ElizaDeath @TheLizWasser
1K Followers 827 Following actor | copywriter | writer writer | “My BFF!” -Betty Buckley | opinions are my own and objectively correct | she/her
SARAH SQUIRM @SarahSquirm
106K Followers 3K Following 🤡 sarah sherman on @nbcsnl 🪱 😛 come see me on tour 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 + 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇! 🧠
TwoTinyMice🐭🐁 @twotinymice
1K Followers 691 Following Manic Pixie Scream Girl ❤️😍🔪 Vietnamese-American 🇻🇳💖🇺🇸 Spooky 🧟♀️ MST3k 🌔 Sci-Fi 🚀 Niceness 💚 Please be quiet baby sleeping. 🤫🍼😴
redwyrm @redwyrmofficial
20K Followers 3K Following Father of the Redwyrmling (7yo DM) - On a mission to bring love, kindness, and wholesome content to #ttrpg twitter - He/Him
ella (tiktok: @blonde.. @blondehotcoffee
2K Followers 2K Following i only tweet when i’m high or manic
Amy @AmysGotBirds
6K Followers 6K Following Thank you for the gift of your advice. By any chance, did you keep the receipt?
Yikes is my catchphra.. @rubiks_kubed
483 Followers 550 Following Word nerd, candle addict, chocolate removal specialist. My home bar is constantly stocked. Tweets could be fact or fiction
Clare Blackwood @clareblackwood
14K Followers 3K Following Actor/writer. Creator of #LateNightInCanada. Words @thebeaverton @CBCComedy @mcsweeneys etc. she/her https://t.co/LLO4cEpIrL / [email protected]
Will Forte @OrvilleIV
199K Followers 1K Following
Amy Miller @amymiller
27K Followers 3K Following 💜✌️ female comedian / coastal elite white trash / not talking to you, talking to your dog / never not touching my head
Accordingtowoods @adamkwoods
793 Followers 4K Following
Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly
5K Followers 1K Following eagle trainer. puppy petter. drinker of milk. taker of naps. author. artist. my books available at https://t.co/tNhRJoHok6
Stone Cold Jane Auste.. @AbbyHiggs
12K Followers 4K Following Feral essayist. Genderclear. They/Thembo. Professor: @MorganStateU Words: @MarieClaire_sa @Guardian @The_Rumpus @VICE🖖
Super Saiyan Kale @ss_kale_
17K Followers 83 Following gym life•anime•twitch girl•it's in the link 😏🌶️
madison @xgigglypuff
29K Followers 2K Following harvard graduate | streamer & cosplayer @twitch | software engineer | https://t.co/n5jEZU0fYU | #BlackLivesMatter | she/her
Marianne 🎃🔪🩸 @ScreamQueen514
8K Followers 8K Following Horror movies are life 🔪🎃 | Jason Voorhees is daddy 💦 | Chèvre de la gorge 🐐 | #HorrorTwt 🇨🇦🏳️🌈🔞
VividVivka 🧡 @VividVivka
124K Followers 269 Following Expect Nothing, Appreciate Everything - Vivka (not Viv). I do the D&D. Vaguely human. I got jokes and make wholesome smut. 💚 (she/her)
𝚖͜𝚘͜𝚘͜�.. @ikigai_kel
648 Followers 519 Following ☘#bostonceltics ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 🖤the paranormal. poker. music. stand-up comedy.
Shawn Murphy☮️ @MsMurfie
329 Followers 602 Following
Spencer @13spencer
8K Followers 844 Following I play music in Black Market Heart and Into The Valley of Death, sometimes I sleep.
Cameron Bradford @camerobradford
25K Followers 979 Following Take my hand, we'll weather this storm together.
Robby Slowik @RobbySlowik
20K Followers 1K Following Stand-Up Comic, TV Writer, and Podcast host just like everyone else on this website.
Samantha @itssamanthaaaa_
71K Followers 1K Following Friendly Neighbourhood Ginger, Permanently Hormotional, your husband is probably in my DMs, I’m bi so I have many hobbies like crochet, gardening, necromancy
Jen @JGirltotheNorth
8K Followers 1K Following
KJ Murr @kjmurr
588 Followers 1K Following Illustrator | Animator. Did stuff for Adult Swim, YouTube/Syfy, etc. More details in header. 🌱
loripetty @loripetty
59K Followers 1K Following Official Twitter page of Lori Petty she/her Director/Writer/Actress Instagram: lori_petty https://t.co/0oFfuAvc3T
cob @sillydeadite
4K Followers 767 Following horror enthusiast & maxxxine (2024) self-appointed pr manager
Borscht the T is sile.. @InternetHippo
343K Followers 277 Following
🥀 𝕄𝕒𝕕𝕕.. @TheDreadStone
7K Followers 1K Following ║ 🔞 ║ 𝙃𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙧 🔪🩸║ 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙧 𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩 ║ 𝙏𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙘𝙝 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙚𝙧 ║ 🇨🇦 • 🏳️🌈 ║
Kristi Yamaguccimane @TheWapplehouse
136K Followers 3K Following •America’s Stepdad•@jortscenterpod•alt @wapplehouse•
Emma Claire Parsons @emmacspan
210 Followers 790 Following best in-class truck and winner of jd power award
AJ Jefferies @moonjam
7K Followers 1K Following 3D artist, illustrator, animator & idiot - https://t.co/MCsXGenPAj - repped by @debutart - please do NOT contact me about N F T s
Ada 📸🎲 Peace, L.. @PeaceLoveNGames
5K Followers 1K Following Photographer & Tabletop Gamer. Autistic breast cancer survivor 📸🎲🌻 @adaweyland
Brian Hurst @Hurstcules
629 Followers 202 Following Thoughtful ape. Credible nerd. Balance of laziness and hubris. Cohost of #FlyOverStateOfFear #FatBearWeek
Arielle Dundas @ArielleDundas
14K Followers 4K Following My niche is that I’m funny and I have interesting opinions. She/her. Stardew valley streamer. ADHD. typos are part of my brand.
Sara Goodwin @SoSaidSara
1K Followers 3K Following Desired position: Space Princess. Qualifications: Looks cool with a blaster, impressive boot collection. Writer, has a book out! https://t.co/Lw2ywgsOSyMARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy? ME: yes MK: and this old iPhone 4 box? ME: yes MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too? ME: yes MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it? ME: yes
I offended my cannibal hosts when I arrived late at dinner. They gave me the cold shoulder.
❗️⚠️❗️ Earth Update ❗️⚠️❗️ - Added teacher spawners to the game
Do you think coffins sound like big maracas during an earthquake?
three tickets to Challengers please
My kids put a mermaid tail on the dog 😭I’m dying
I just gave you a real life 6 week old Welsh dragon. What are you naming her?
Me feel sad because me no got cookies. But me feel good because me got me. And me not so bad! 💙
what does it say about our country if the cookie monster can’t even afford a cookie
Me feel sad because me no got cookies. But me feel good because me got me. And me not so bad! 💙
sit in the balcony of the muppet theater and heckle the performers
question for men: what are your favourite things to do with other men?
I'd watch a thundercats musical. Maybe if we ask Greta and Margot really nicely
There are so many jokes there, I don't know where to begin. That really sucks, man.
Sketched John Candy from the great UNCLE BUCK. Castell pens + brush pens on cold press paper. Available to own if anyone wants him 🎳
Okay, look at it like this - The Autopsy Of Jane Doe was the reason Quentin Tarantino told me he wanted to cast me in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood #TheLastDriveIn
on the road behind sideshow bob this morning
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
hello c2e2! i’ve been here the whole time…
If “fuck off” means go away, then come here should be “fuck on”
“Thanks, man. Where was I? Oh yeah, so it was December, and I just wanted to get out of the cold. I knocked on some random guy's door. I’m tellin’ ya, dude was out of his friggin' mind! He kept asking me a bunch of super weird questions and whining about some chick named Lenore."
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