nice things I say to myself @meantomyself
Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz mobile.twitter.com/search?q=from%… Joined August 2009-
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come here, i miss you.
My dog seized her opportunity to lick inside my mouth while I was sneezing so no, I am not having a happy Monday
My cat's pretty mouthy for someone who weighs 11 lbs and lacks opposable thumbs
Is "my dog misses me" a valid reason to take a leave of absence from work?
I’ll take nicknames for “Richard,” for $200, Alex.
You wouldn’t last a millenium on the falcon where they raised me.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
therapist: you seem manic me: well it is monday
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, are you mad at me?
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert
.@NCCU student Cameron Elyse has a new exhibit about Greek life at HBCUs. You can see it at @HaytiHeritage through the end of May 🖤
I am a morning person until the dog starts barking at 5:34 am or my alarm goes off at 6:15 am or someone attempts to make small talk before 9 am or I have a meeting before 11 am
Introverted but willing to discuss breakfast sandwiches
Be kind and don't leave us hanging, vote for the rectangular food bar you are most likely to consume when you are running or just running to a meeting.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be men who are mean to strangers on the internet.
You can’t get a toy every time we go to the store, I tell my kids as I eye a new water bottle
[Courtroom] Me: You honor my client..one second *opens Trapper Keeper* ah yes is innocent.
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburMidge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ....:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvMad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsndmom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKmeghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belowI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
14K Followers 973 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
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50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 968 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwOne Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjごくう @goku2956
3K Followers 7K Following 会社員/ seesaaブログで「真の「生きる力」を追求するブログ」(https://t.co/LsKW61E6IA)、はてなブログで「脱!コントロール思考」(https://t.co/b594B9ih94)を発信中です。julius7077 @yunuswahyu27274
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540 Followers 6K Following 💃Rediscover the deliciousness of a Figg Newton. 😁 Pairs well with higher education. Ignore the left's anti-white smear campaign & jealousy. Haters gonna hate!A. Cathleen @ACathleen3
3K Followers 6K Following Jeweler and Corporate/Litigation paralegal - Supporter of Israel and America - Trump and a conservative from NYCThe Firm @Foundation_217
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27 Followers 470 Following Did some stupid shit and screwed my AppleID up, so as I fight to recover this is me now. Before you ask - Don’t! 🤣😂Ian Forman @ianforman8
872 Followers 3K FollowingKellamity⚘️ @kellyksofia
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48 Followers 274 Following Proud new dad to an adorable son and lead guitarist in Nurally 🎸 | Balancing baby bottles with guitar solosZerofox Levtogiv @AnonymusJones
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10 Followers 163 Following aspiring law school dropout My hobby is asking male panelists at professional events how they balance work and familyAbel Ramírez @ramrez45388
34 Followers 662 FollowingSerena Briggs @SBriggs52720
8 Followers 561 FollowingJohnny @Jaytek75
87 Followers 334 Following The only place I wanna go, Is anywhere there's people I don't know… Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 🎧Red Beard @RedBeard_805
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80 Followers 326 Following “Navigate the crypto world with precision and influence.”nothing matters @dunnothemagain
208 Followers 195 Following fine, as a homie / “an absolute gift to the TL” ——— Pulp-Free Papi /Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburMidge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ....:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvMad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsndmom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKmeghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belowI Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
14K Followers 973 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!SneezingWithWetMascar.. @WetMascara
20K Followers 2K Following Yes, THAT Thanksgiving tweet. My Faves: https://t.co/90HdOEinlH Recent Tweets in Link Below.inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
19K Followers 7K Following Public menace. Bog Witch. Level 58 Trainwreck. Costco Gold Star Member.sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 968 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwJae COMMITS TO THE BI.. @NalaWu
8K Followers 523 Following 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ #ADHD | Art Director & Award Winning Illustrator @naladraws, VA, #TTRPG performer 🏆 #ItaewonByNight🩸 & @gobletsandgays !Rebecca Watson @TheRebeccaRiots
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133 Followers 283 Following Via et veritas et vita. Imperfect husband and father. Here for the LOLsFood Porn @FoodPornPhotos
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208 Followers 195 Following fine, as a homie / “an absolute gift to the TL” ——— Pulp-Free Papi /VK ASTROLOGY @DCnumerology
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90 Followers 341 Following stirring the pot as needed. independent, informed, and sarcastic. what could go wrong?Happy Dee-ster @PrincessMissDee
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2K Followers 690 Following nice sweater! || cs55 fa14 ls18|| @pitlaneyappersJared Gilman @realJaredGilman
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9K Followers 2K Following “hold it further away so you get a better shot!” - Mariska Hargitay teaching me how to take a selfieJu @juliaisobela
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760 Followers 365 Following ... a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis ... PR News Top Women in PR | Corporate & Executive Comms Leader | Storyteller | Brand Reputation Expert | opinions are mineJenXhausted @bjrop91
302 Followers 926 Following Wanna-be potter, obsessive cookie-maker, cat servant, occasionally inappropriate.@meantomyself What base is that
Winner. Bang up fucking when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
My cat's pretty mouthy for someone who weighs 11 lbs and lacks opposable thumbs
Is "my dog misses me" a valid reason to take a leave of absence from work?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents' house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
You wouldn’t last a millenium on the falcon where they raised me.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
therapist: you seem manic me: well it is monday
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, are you mad at me?